I Need You
by sweeet-as-honey
Summary: Sequel to Face the Truth. Cal is still struggling to get over Taylor, but then he realises Ethan might need him as much as he needs Ethan.
1. Chapter 1

To **ETWentHome** , **Teeloganroryflan** , **CBloom2** , **Jinxy13112** , **Minnie4114** and anyone else who wanted a sequel to Face the Truth - I hope this lives up to expectations. (I would post a link to Face the Truth, but I don't know how - sorry.)

* * *

Ethan did his best to keep his voice steady as he asked: "I suppose they don't need to know absolutely everything?"

Robyn's eyes widened with shock, then softened. "I think they do, Ethan, really. A patient's died. We have to make a report and if we leave anything out…"

"But some details are irrelevant, aren't they?" said Ethan. "We don't need to report every single little thing that happened."

"Not the little things, no," said Robyn. "But the big things…"

Ethan knew she was right, but he couldn't help asking: "Do you think it was a big thing?" Perhaps Robyn wouldn't be quite sure. Perhaps she would agree it was a little thing. And then they could…

And then they could what? Cover up Ethan's mistake?

Was he really even contemplating that?

Robyn looked genuinely torn. She felt sorry for him, he knew that. She probably didn't blame him for anything. She had been there, after all. She'd seen the whole thing and she knew exactly what had happened, and how. But that didn't change anything.

Ethan turned away for a moment, thinking hard about the process that lay ahead of him, trying to use his intelligence and not his emotions, but he knew there was only one possible answer. "No, you're right. Of course you're right. We'll tell them everything. It's the only thing we can do. I don't know why I considered anything else."

He turned and didn't miss Robyn's relief, though she quickly masked it with a smile. "I'm sure it'll be okay, Ethan."

"Yes, of course it will," he said.

* * *

It _would_ have to be today, Ethan thought as he parked the car. The one day when he'd finally succeeded in persuading Cal that he needed to take a couple of days off and stop pushing himself to save lives when his emotions were so battered and bruised, he could barely think. Cal hadn't wanted to take any time off because admitting he was too upset to do his job simply didn't fit with the image he had of himself. But this morning he'd reluctantly told Ethan he didn't feel great at all and he was going to take the day off. Two days at the absolute most.

Of course, if Cal had been at the hospital today, he would most likely have discovered what had happened and almost certainly made Ethan's life a misery until it was time for Ethan to leave. But at least when Ethan's shift had finally ended, he would have been able to go home and have the place to himself for a few hours.

He wasn't sure what he'd have done with his solitude. He might have sat alone and tortured himself or he might have tried his hardest to concentrate on something else, but at least he would have had the choice.

As it was, there was no choice at all. Cal would be there and the chances were he wouldn't be feeling any better. That morning when Ethan had said goodbye, Cal had asked with tears in his eyes if they could talk later. Ethan had come so close to offering to call in sick too, but his natural honesty hadn't allowed it. Instead he'd promised they'd talk when he got home.

If only hadn't gone to work today. If only he'd stayed with Cal. Then none of this would have happened.

Ethan let himself in and called out to Cal that he was home. There was no reply, which wasn't altogether surprising. Cal didn't usually bother to respond when Ethan announced his return from work or anywhere else. Often, of course, it was because he wasn't there to hear, but even when he was there, he often didn't speak to Ethan unless he wanted something.

Ethan usually left him alone, but things were a bit different now. He went and knocked on his bedroom door. "Cal, I'm home. Are you okay? Let me know if you still want to talk."

He waited a moment without hearing any kind of response and began to feel scared. Maybe Cal was in a mood with him for some reason; maybe he'd regretted his earlier request for a listening ear and was hiding from Ethan; maybe he'd gone out for a breath of fresh air, as Ethan had encouraged him to do.

But Cal was so hurt and sad at the moment. He was just about coping at work, though Ethan had helped him out a few times and taken the blame on another occasion; but he struggled to complete even the most basic of tasks at home. Ethan had asked him to make a cup of tea yesterday, thinking that this was one thing Cal could manage, but after waiting for twenty minutes, he'd discovered Cal staring out of the window, having not so much as boiled the kettle. He didn't eat unless Ethan cooked the food and sat with him to ensure he ate it. He had trouble getting to sleep without medical aids. And he never seemed to know what day it was, so even with his timetable in front of him, he didn't know when he was meant to go to work unless Ethan was there to help him.

Ethan suspected depression and was starting to wonder if Cal had been heading in that direction even before he'd met Taylor. That was part of the reason why she'd become so important to him and why he'd missed the signs Ethan was sure must have been there. He'd just needed someone so badly. It wasn't as though Ethan had been there for him.

Cal still hadn't answered and there was no sound from inside the bedroom. Ethan stood waiting, staring at the door and feeling his anxiety increase. He wouldn't have said Cal was the type to hurt himself, but Ethan knew there wasn't really a type when it came to depression.

Ethan knocked on the door again. "Cal, I'm sorry if I'm being irritating, but I'm worried about you. I'm going to count to five and if you don't answer me or open the door, I'm coming in. Okay?"


	2. Chapter 2

**teeloganroryflan** , you're welcome! Thanks for coming back to read the sequel. Cal's still upset over Taylor, but the events of Face the Truth have pushed him over the edge a bit. You'll find out more in this chapter.

 **GlitterGirl12** , I'm sorry it took me so long to post this. I only post one story update a day and I have four stories. I hope Cal doesn't do anything stupid either... but you'll have to wait and see!

 **ETWentHome** thank you, I'm glad you found it exciting! I'm afraid there's nothing about Ethan in this chapter, but you'll gradually find out more. I just hope it won't be a disappointment when all is revealed!

* * *

Ethan counted slowly, but when the time came, he couldn't bring himself to open the door. The hand he stretched towards the door knob was trembling.

He couldn't do it. He was too afraid. He'd already lost one person today and that was bad enough, but to lose his brother too…

His hand was still suspended in the air when the door opened. Ethan felt almost ready to collapse with relief. Cal was okay. Or perhaps not okay, but alive. Ethan felt his pulse rate returning to normal and he quickly put his hand back down by his side. "How are you?"

"I'm fine," said Cal unconvincingly.

He didn't look fine. There was a telltale redness around his eyes and his hair was sticking up on end. Added to that was an air of being upset and stressed and not quite with it. It gave Ethan a pang to see his brother like this, but at least it meant his own fear and misery were likely to be undetected. Not that Cal was overly empathic at the best of times where Ethan was concerned, but he rarely failed to notice there was something wrong on the occasions when Ethan was really hoping he wouldn't.

"Do you still want to talk?" asked Ethan. A traitorous part of him was whispering that he hoped Cal's answer would be no, but he squashed it down. Cal needed to talk to someone, and the sooner the better.

Cal reached up and pushed his hands through his hair, leaving it in even more of a mess. He blinked at Ethan as though he didn't quite understand the words, or at least the implication of them.

"You said this morning that you wanted to talk," Ethan reminded him almost accusingly. The stress was starting to get to him; the need to be alone was screaming inside his head and his words came out more sharply than he'd intended. He made the effort to soften his next words. "It's okay if you've changed your mind. But I'm here if you do want to talk."

"I don't know," said Cal at last.

 _Well, make up your mind then, you stupid…_ Ethan closed his eyes for a moment. "That's okay, Cal. Why don't I make us both a drink and we can sit together for a bit and see how you feel?"

"Okay," said Cal after a moment or two. "I could make it if you wanted. You've just got home."

Ethan started to ask if he was sure, but then he decided that if Cal wanted to do something, it was probably better to encourage him. "Okay. Thanks. That would be nice."

It would be nice… if Cal remembered to make it.

Ethan felt as though he really needed some tea. His arms and legs felt heavy and knew it was more than the physical exhaustion of a demanding day at the hospital. He felt like he needed to go to bed and sleep for hours, but he doubted that sleep would come easily.

 _A patient has died_ … he heard Robyn's words in his mind again and for the first time he let himself think the words that had been playing around the edge of his consciousness ever since.

It wasn't the death he was thinking of. Of course it wasn't the first time a patient had died. It was always terrible to see another human being lose their battle to live. But that wasn't the issue that was running around in Ethan's head, stirring up feelings of guilt and helplessness and the horrible fear of what could happen next.

 _A patient has died._

 _It was my fault._

* * *

"Ethan?" Cal was standing in front of him with two cups of tea and a worried expression. "Are you okay?"

Ethan wasn't in the habit of confiding his fears to his brother. He certainly wasn't about to start now. "Sorry. I was… daydreaming." He took the cup from Cal, who sat down beside him.

"Daydreaming?" For the first time for days, there was a spark of interest on Cal's face. "What about?"

Ethan's first thought was to say he'd been dreaming of a promotion, but he knew Cal wouldn't like that and instead said: "A girl."

This was dangerous too as it wasn't unlikely that Cal would spend the next six months teasing him about it and trying to work out who this imaginary girl was: a task that would probably involve humiliating Ethan in every possible way. But Cal didn't look even slightly amused. He just looked sad. "Forget about her, Ethan. Women are all the same. You'll only get hurt."

"You don't really believe that," said Ethan. Anger stirred inside him. "What about all the hearts you've broken?"

"I just got there first, that's all," said Cal listlessly. "If I'd given them the chance to hurt me, they would have taken it."

Ethan shook his head. "I don't think that's fair, Cal. I'm sure a lot of women have broken people's hearts by accident – if they couldn't return someone's feelings, it's not their fault. But most women would never do what Taylor did to you."

"Which Taylor do you mean?" Cal asked with a crooked and humourless smile. "I don't think I've ever met a Taylor who didn't hurt me."

"The second one didn't mean to hurt you," said Ethan. "She was injured and terrified. She'd been through something awful and she was all alone. The only person who seemed to know her was you – and you were giving her all the love you felt for the other Taylor. It didn't occur to her that the love was meant for somebody else. When someone gives you that much love when you're vulnerable, it's difficult not to get caught up in it. You know how sometimes patients can fall in love with their doctors?"

Cal nodded and this time his smile was genuine. "That happens to me quite a lot."

Ethan couldn't help wondering if, at least some of the time, it was a product of Cal's imagination, but it wasn't the time to address that now. "Yes. That's kind of what happened with Taylor. The real one."

"But she didn't love me," said Cal sadly. "The minute her real fiancé turned up, she was all over him. Even though she couldn't remember him either."

"I think sometimes the heart remembers even when the brain can't," said Ethan, a bit vaguely. His knowledge of hearts was limited mostly to their anatomical function. "And did you really expect her to break up with someone who'd probably made her really happy and be with someone who was in love with someone else?"

"I would have made her happy," said Cal with intensity.

Ethan shook his head. "You couldn't have done, Cal." His voice was gentle. "She would have been a much better girlfriend to you than Taylor was, but she wasn't your Taylor. She wouldn't have behaved like Taylor. She wouldn't have felt like Taylor. And you know she didn't speak like Taylor. She couldn't have made you happy when you really wanted someone else and she wouldn't have been happy when you obviously weren't."

Cal's jaw tightened. "Oh, so are you moonlighting as a psychologist now?"

"You know I'm not. I'm just trying to explain things from Taylor's point of view. The real Taylor."

"Well, maybe I don't want you to explain things from her point of view!" Cal's voice rose and Ethan realised he was trembling. Cal slammed his barely-touched cup of tea down on the floor. Hot liquid sloshed onto one of his bare feet, but he didn't seem to feel it. "Whoever she is, just forget about her, Ethan. She'll hurt you. And if you think it's bad for me, just wait till it happens to someone like you."

He got up and stormed out of the room, upsetting the teacup. Ethan watched as the tea soaked into the carpet, but made no move either to clean it up or to go after Cal. He heard Cal slam his bedroom door and then there was silence.

Half an hour later, Ethan's own cup of tea was cold and untouched and all Ethan wanted was for today to have been a dream.


	3. Chapter 3

**CBloom2** , thank you for your review. I'm really happy you're enjoying it. I hope you'll like where I take the story, but at this moment I'm not completely sure where that's going to be!

 **ETWentHome** , thank you for saying the last chapter was well-written. That's really kind of you. I hope this chapter is worth the wait!

 **Becs2202** , they do need to support each other, don't they? On TV as well as in this story! Thank you for your review and I hope you enjoy the next chapter.

 **Tanith Panic** , aw thank you, that's really kind of you! I have to say there are worse places to be than inside Cal and Ethan's heads.

* * *

Cal didn't want to go back to work. He'd hoped a day would be enough to get rid of the sadness that was all too close to the surface, but he still felt exactly the same. There was a tightness in his chest; a painful pressure at the back of his throat and his eyes felt gritty and sore. He thought about taking another day off, but he rejected the idea. One more day wouldn't make any difference. It could take him weeks to get over Taylor. Maybe months. Maybe he'd feel like this forever. But he hated the feeling of lying uselessly in bed, unable to do anything except remember every single word Taylor had ever said to him. The look in her eyes when she told him she loved him.

The look in her eyes when she told him she'd only wanted his money.

At work, he could help people. He could save lives. He could get things right. Maybe he wasn't at his best at the moment, but no-one was at their best all the time.

Ethan came out of the bathroom. He looked like he hadn't slept much either. He ran a hand through his hair and avoided looking at Cal directly as he said: "Why don't you take another day off?"

"No point," sighed Cal as he hauled himself to his feet. "It doesn't help, being at home. I'm not ill." He got ready to leave in silence. He was aware that Ethan kept shooting glances at him, sometimes concerned and other times exasperated, but he ignored them. He had to. It was enough effort just keeping himself together.

They didn't talk much in the car either. Ethan insisted on driving and Cal didn't care enough to argue. He soon regretted it, as being a passenger left him with nothing to do but think, but he could hardly demand that Ethan got out of the car and let him take over.

Well, he could have done and perhaps at one time he would have done exactly that.

But not now.

He turned away from Ethan and looked out of the window. He saw a girl with long, blonde hair and his heart jumped, but then sanity returned. He knew it wasn't Taylor. It couldn't be. But that didn't stop him from seeing her wherever he went.

Cal closed his eyes, but even then he could see her.

"Cal. Caleb! We're here."

Cal opened his eyes and blinked sadly at Ethan.

"Cal, go home." Ethan put the car keys into Cal's hand. "I'll tell them you're not well. Because you're not. Not really."

Cal blinked again, trying to clear his vision. "I'm fine, Ethan. Stop fussing."

Ethan shook his head. "I'm worried about you. I'm worried about how you're going to cope." His voice rose. "What if something goes wrong and you know it's all your fault?"

The emotion in his voice startled Cal. "Do you really think I'm likely to mess up that much?" He didn't know if he was touched that Ethan was so worried about him or offended Ethan had so little confidence in him.

Ethan took a moment before answering. "I'm just saying be careful. You've been through a lot. You're bound to be a bit fragile."

"Fragile?" Now Cal was definitely offended. "Do you seriously think I look fragile?"

"I mean fragile emotionally," said Ethan. "Anyone would be after what you've been through."

"I'm not fragile." Cal's voice was shaking.

Ethan continued as though he hadn't spoken. "Just promise me you'll look after yourself, Cal."

"I don't have to promise you anything."

Ethan sighed but didn't push it. "Shall we go inside?"

"We can't sit out here all day." Cal dragged himself out of the car and they went into the hospital.

* * *

Cal walked slowly towards reception, wondering why the stack of files in his arms seemed so heavy. His whole body seemed heavy today and he dragged his feet with every step.

"Cal? Are you okay?" Lofty appeared beside him. He looked at Cal's face and grimaced slightly. "You don't look too good."

"I'm fine," muttered Cal. He tried to walk past him, but some of the files slid out of his grasp and disgorged their contents onto the floor. Cal would usually have sworn loudly enough for most of the hospital to hear him, but he just dropped to his knees and slowly began to pick them up.

Lofty crouched down to help him. "You don't look fine. You should see a doctor!"

"Hilarious," said Cal. He realised his hands were shaking. He looked at them for a moment, then carried on collecting the files and their contents. He was aware Lofty was watching him and had the impression he was wondering whether or not to say something.

Cal pressed his lips together and tried to look unencouraging. In silence, the two men collected up the files and Lofty handed his pile to Cal.

"Cal… are you sure you should be here?" said Lofty, a concerned expression on his face. "Ethan told me you weren't very well."

Cal glared at him. "Ethan says far too much." He turned on his heel and walked away, only to encounter Connie. He uttered a silent groan as she said his name. He didn't need this. Not now.

"A word, please, Dr Knight."

Cal stopped and waited. There was nothing else he could do.

"I know this is a… sensitive issue," said Connie. "You're probably wondering how much I know and it's only fair to tell you the truth. I know everything."

Cal's voice was hoarse. "Who told you?"

"Does it matter who told me?" said Connie. "I had to know. You must see that, Cal. I'm willing to believe this is a one-off, but I'm sure you understand that if a doctor behaves like this, he needs to be under supervision until we can feel confident it won't happen again."

"Who else knows?"

"Everyone who needs to know," said Connie with finality.

"No-one's got to know! It's got nothing to do with any of you!" Cal's breath was coming in little gasps and the tears were filling his eyes faster than he could blink them away. It was the betrayal as much as anything. How could Ethan have told the whole hospital about Taylor? He dropped the files and started to run, ignoring Connie's commands to come back. He hardly knew where he was going, but when he felt cold air on his face, he stopped for a moment and got his bearings.

He was in the car park. He was safe. He could go home.

Then he jumped as he felt an arm going around his shoulders. "Cal, what's wrong? What's happened?" Ethan gently turned Cal to face him.


	4. Chapter 4

**Becs2204** , perhaps I shouldn't give even this much away, but I'm really happy you picked up on that! Thank you so much for your review and your kind words about my writing and this chapter. I really appreciate it.

 **Chellyybellyy12** , thank you so much, that's so kind of you! I really am so happy you like it and I just hope the plot won't disappoint you once I start to reveal more of it.

 **Tanith Panic** , I hope not too, but you know me: I just can't help making these boys suffer! Thank you for your review and your continued support. It means a lot.

* * *

"How could you?" said Cal. His face was wet with tears, but he didn't bother to wipe them away.

"How could I what?" said Ethan, his hands on Cal's arms.

"How could you tell them?" Cal shoved him away.

Ethan staggered and nearly lost his balance. "Who, Zoe? I had to tell her something, Cal. You proposed marriage to a complete stranger. She could tell something was up."

"No, Connie and Lofty!" said Cal.

Ethan stared at him. "Of course I didn't tell Mrs Beauchamp and Lofty. I just said you were ill and you were going to take a couple of days off."

"Then how do they know about Taylor?" said Cal.

"I…" Ethan looked uncertain for a moment. "I don't know." He approached Cal warily. "Come on. Let's go and sit in the car for a bit."

Cal started to refuse, then he realised he didn't want anyone to see him like this. They walked towards the car together, Cal wiping his eyes and nose on the back of his hand.

"Okay, what did Lofty say?" asked Ethan once they were sitting in the car.

"Just that he heard I was ill," said Cal.

Ethan nodded. "And that's all I told him. He asked where you were; I said you were ill. What did Mrs Beauchamp say?"

Cal sniffed. "She said she knew everything and she was going to be keeping an eye on me to make sure it didn't happen again."

Ethan was quiet for a moment. "But she didn't say what 'everything' was."

"She didn't have to." Cal's voice was hard.

"Okay." Ethan was silent, staring out through the windscreen. He seemed agitated, but perhaps Cal's behaviour was reason enough for that. "Listen to me. We can't be sure that's what Mrs Beauchamp meant. I'm sure it isn't. Zoe said she wasn't going to say anything about it and I certainly haven't told anyone. She must have been talking about something else."

Cal put his head in his hands. "But what else can she mean?"

Ethan didn't answer for a while. "It doesn't matter what she means. I'm sure she doesn't know about Taylor." He put his hand on Cal's arm. "Listen, Cal. You're not in any state to work and no-one was expecting you back till tomorrow. Why don't you go home? We can talk about this later."

"I can't stay away from work forever," said Cal.

"But you can stay away for one more day," said Ethan.

Cal sat in silence while he made his decision. He didn't want to go home, but he also didn't want to go back into the hospital and face everyone. "Okay. I'll go home."

Ethan's relief was palpable. "Do you think you could go back into the hospital to change or shall I bring your clothes out here?"

Cal thought about going back into the hospital. The stares and the whispering from all who had witnessed his abrupt departure and the very real possibility of seeing Connie, who would have a few things to say to him concerning his latest lapse. Cal spoke through a lump in his throat. "Could you get my clothes for me, please?"

"Of course I can." Ethan patted Cal's arm awkwardly. "I'll be back in a minute."

Cal watched him go. He was so overwrought, he could barely think at all, but as he watched Ethan walk away, he became aware of something. Something he hadn't noticed before.

It was odd that Ethan was so eager for Cal not to work today. Ethan didn't enjoy the fact that Cal worked in the same hospital as him and he'd been encouraging him to have some time off ever since Taylor had been arrested. This encouragement had only become more forceful after the latest incident.

But Cal couldn't help thinking that his eagerness now bordered almost on desperation.

He looked different too, Cal realised as he watched Ethan cross the car park. He was walking differently. His shoulders were hunched and he was looking down at the ground. It might just be because he was worried about Cal and wondering if he was ever going to get over Taylor: an entirely reasonable concern as Cal was wondering the same thing himself.

But perhaps it was something else.

* * *

"I'm sorry, Mrs Beauchamp," said Ethan unhappily. "It won't happen again."

"I know it won't happen again." Connie's voice was severe. "It can't be allowed to happen again. Is that clear?"

"Yes, Mrs Beauchamp." Ethan looked down at her desk, unable to look her in the eye. She was furious and he couldn't blame her. He'd messed up badly and a patient had died because he hadn't been able to deal with the situation.

"Good." Connie dismissed him with a nod and Ethan scuttled out through the door.

Robyn offered Ethan a smile as she passed him in the corridor. "Are you okay?"

Ethan nodded and tried to smile. "I'm fine."

"At least Cal's better now," said Robyn brightly.

"Not really," said Ethan distractedly.

Robyn looked confused. "I thought he came back today."

"He did, but he went home again," said Ethan. He was surprised Robyn hadn't heard about Cal's dramatic, file-throwing exit, but no doubt Lofty would remedy this omission within about five seconds of seeing her. "He really isn't well. I'm sorry: I must get on."

* * *

Cal couldn't remember driving home, but he knew he must have done it. He also couldn't remember getting into the flat and sitting down on the sofa. But he'd done that too.

He knew Ethan was right. He was in no state to work. It was one thing to drive home on autopilot, but he couldn't have done that at the hospital.

It was so stupid. She was just a girl. There were so many girls in the world and for the most part, one was pretty much the same as another as far as Cal was concerned.

But not Taylor. He loved her and he'd really believed she loved him.

Cal drew his knees up to his chest and began to cry.


	5. Chapter 5

**ETWentHome** , aw thank you! I'm really glad you liked it. Cal will find out eventually, but I'm not saying how!

 **CBloom2** , you will eventually find out what Ethan did, but I'm afraid it won't be for a few chapters. But there will be a few hints. Thanks for your review!

 **Tanith Panic** , exactly, it does take time. And Cal's been trying to pretend he's fine, which doesn't help. Thank you, I'm really pleased you liked the emotion.

 **TheAtomicCheesepuff** , you'll find out what happens next in just a few seconds! I really hope you like it. Thank you for the review.

 **Becs2202** , I'm really happy you're empathising with Cal. I was a bit worried he was going over the top. Thank you for the review.

* * *

Ethan hurried over to the stretcher and helped push it towards Resus as he listened to the paramedics. It was a fairly straightforward procedure, one he'd performed on numerous occasions, and he was grateful for that. It was his first emergency since yesterday's incident and he really wanted it to go smoothly. Zoe had told him all he needed to do today was to carry on as normal and she would be there if necessary, but Ethan could feel the stirrings of panic and perhaps that worried him more than anything because he never panicked.

Then he heard a voice. A loud, angry voice. A man pushed past the stretcher and stood in front of Ethan, blocking his way. "Are you a doctor?"

"Y-yes, I'm a doctor," stammered Ethan. "Could you let us get past, please?"

"My wife doesn't need a doctor!" said the man. "She just needs to go home and rest. She doesn't like strange places and she doesn't like strange men messing her about."

"I'm not going to mess her about," said Ethan. "I'm just going to perform a short and painless procedure, which should-"

The man shoved him away from the stretcher. "She doesn't want it!" He made a grab for the woman on the stretcher. She cried out in pain. Almost immediately, someone took the man's arms and pulled him away from the stretcher, restraining him. Doing what Ethan should have done.

"All right, mate: calm down," said Max. "Nothing bad's going to happen. Dr Hardy just wants to help, but I'm sure we can find a female doctor. Now if you come with me, we'll go to the relatives' room."

Someone touched Ethan's arm. "Ethan, is everything all right?" said Zoe quietly. "Shall I take this?"

Ethan realised he was trembling. "She… she doesn't like strange men," he said unsteadily.

"Then it's much better if I deal with this," said Zoe firmly but soothingly. "It's okay. You're due for a break anyway."

Ethan nodded, but he felt dazed and Zoe's words made little sense. All he could think was that he'd messed up again.

"Let's get her into Resus," Zoe was saying briskly. "Ethan, you're in the way."

Ethan hurriedly stepped aside and watched as the stretcher was wheeled into Resus. Zoe was right, of course. If the woman didn't like strange men, it was better for her to be treated by Zoe, and Max probably was a better person to take the husband to the relatives' room because Ethan would be needed to treat any other patients who arrived.

But he'd still messed it up. He should have stopped the man from grabbing hold of his wife. He should have listened to his concerns calmly and made the decision himself that she should be seen by a female doctor.

And now he should be walking away, ready to get on with his job, but instead he was standing in the middle of the corridor, staring after the stretcher and fighting the emotions he couldn't allow to take hold.

He felt a firm arm go around his shoulders. "Ethan. Come on. Come with me," said Charlie.

"I'm fine," said Ethan.

"No: I don't think you are." Not many people argued with Charlie. They went into the staff room and Charlie gave Ethan some tea. "I know it's difficult, Ethan. It's always hard coming back after something like that and the last thing you needed was to have to deal with a similar problem so soon. But we need you. We're already short-staffed and now your brother's ill as well..."

Ethan looked down into his cup. "Cal couldn't have worked today. He really is too ill."

"Yes, I understand that," said Charlie. "And I know you're worried about him, but we need to talk about you now. I don't want to put any extra pressure on you, but I know you can do this. You're not somebody who usually crumbles under pressure and there's no reason to start now. What happened yesterday was very sad; very unfortunate, but it happens. And the best way of getting over it is to carry on with your job as normal. You're a good doctor, Ethan. You've just got to remember that. Whatever happens from now on, you can deal with it."

* * *

Cal lifted his wet face from his knees. He wasn't sure how much time had passed, but he didn't care. There were nearly 500,000 hours of his life to go. 500,000 hours without Taylor. 500,000 hours of pain and sadness.

He closed his eyes for a moment and conjured up her image, but that just made his eyes fill with tears again. He remembered how she'd looked. How she spoke. How she felt in his arms. Her smell and her taste and the way she looked at him and made him feel she was the most important person in her world. Cal always wanted to believe he was the most important person in any girl's world, but Taylor had been the most important person in his world too.

His Taylor. His future. His life.

Cal dropped his head onto his knees for a moment, but then he sat up again. Crying didn't help. Thinking about her didn't help. If either of those things helped, he would have started to feel better ages ago. If anything, it was getting worse as the days passed and she didn't contact him. He knew she probably never would, and if she did it would only be because she needed his help.

He had to stop this. He had to stop the hurt before it drove him crazy.

He felt his body fill with a fizzing energy he hadn't felt for some time. He could deal with this. He knew what he could do. He knew how to feel better. It wouldn't solve the problem permanently, but it would give him the break he felt he needed.

Cal went into the kitchen and opened one of the cupboards. There, all in a row, stood various bottles of beer. Cal took four of them at random and carried them into his bedroom, amazed by how much better he felt already. It felt good to be doing something rather than just sitting around.

It was going to be all right, he told himself as he went in search of a bottle-opener. Soon it wouldn't hurt anymore.


	6. Chapter 6

**ETWentHome** , thank you for the review. Yes, I'm being cruel to them, aren't I? And I don't let up in this chapter...

 **Becs2202** , he really is, isn't he? Poor Ethan. He really needs Cal's support, but Cal might not be ready to give it just yet. Thank you for the review!

 **CBloom2** , I agree, drink isn't the answer! Unfortunately, it's Cal's answer to a lot of things. Thank you for the review.

 **Tanith Panic** , there will be signs, but perhaps not quite yet! Thank you so much. It means a lot to know you're emotionally involved!

* * *

Ethan dried his eyes and put his glasses back on. To say it had been a tough shift would be an understatement. There had been a couple more emergencies, which Ethan had managed to deal with, but the events of the morning had stayed with him all through the day. All he wanted to do now was to go home, go to bed and go to sleep, but he knew he wouldn't have the chance. Cal needed him.

He gave himself a bit longer to ensure he was completely calm, then he went into the flat. "Hi, Cal. I'm home."

As usual, there was no answer. Ethan shut the door and looked around the room, but there was no sign of Cal. He must be in his room, Ethan decided.

He went to knock on the door, but Cal opened it before he could get there, almost tearing the door off its hinges. "You're late!" Cal's eyes were red and he was sniffling.

Ethan didn't tell him he'd spent twenty minutes crying in the car. "I worked late. We're short-staffed."

"You're the one who made me go home!" said Cal belligerently.

"I know. I'm not blaming you." Ethan's voice wavered. He cleared his throat. "How are you?" Then he wondered why he'd said that. It was a stupid question. His brother was obviously distraught.

"How do you think?" said Cal bitterly. "Knowing the whole hospital knows my business; that I was stupid enough to fall for a con-artist; stupid enough to give her all my brother's money and steal an engagement ring…"

Ethan put his hand on Cal's arm, only for Cal to shake him off. "They don't know, Cal. No-one knows that. Even Zoe doesn't know about the money and the ring. That wasn't what Mrs Beauchamp meant. She meant… something different. I'll... I'll tell you about it."

Cal's eyes filled with tears. "I just want her back, Ethan. I can't manage without her."

Ethan wordlessly held out his arms. He was expecting Cal to refuse a hug, but instead he staggered into Ethan's embrace. Ethan breathed in and almost gagged. "Cal, have you been drinking?"

"Why shouldn't I drink?" said Cal angrily, but then the fight went out of him and he leaned heavily against Ethan. "I just wanted to forget, Ethan. I don't want to feel this way anymore."

Ethan held him for a moment or two, blinking hard as tears threatened to fill his own eyes. "Sometimes alcohol can make it worse. Let's go and sit down for a bit and then we'll sober you up." He urged him back into his bedroom, carefully manoeuvring him around the beer bottles that littered the floor.

"I don't want to be sober," said Cal as the tears rolled down his cheeks. "I want to forget. I want to forget she exists. I want to forget _I_ exist."

"I know," said Ethan gently. He sat beside Cal and hugged him. "But it's clearly not working and if we don't get you sobered up, you'll feel even worse tomorrow."

"I couldn't feel worse," Cal mumbled into Ethan's shoulder.

Ethan stroked circles on his back. "If we get you sobered up, you might feel better."

"I want to feel better…"

"I want that too," said Ethan simply.

It wasn't long before Cal stopped crying, but he didn't let go of Ethan. Ethan released himself gently and looked at Cal for a moment. His eyes looked dull and hopeless and his face was tear-ravaged and red. Ethan gave Cal a tissue and Cal looked at it blankly for a moment before he seemed to realise what it was and wiped his eyes and nose on it.

Ethan squeezed his shoulder. "I'll be back in a minute, Cal, okay?"

"Where are you going?" said Cal. He grabbed at Ethan's hand. "Stay with me, Ethan." His nails dug into Ethan's skin. "Don't leave me."

Ethan couldn't speak for a moment or two. He knew it was mainly the drink making Cal so clingy, but he'd seen Cal drunk loads of times and he'd never seen him like this. "I'm just going to get you some water and something to eat, Cal. And a bucket." He released his hand from Cal's death grip and gently rubbed Cal's shoulder. "I won't be long. I promise."

* * *

Cal felt awful the next day.

He felt as though several holes were being drilled into his head; his mouth tasted horrible; his stomach was still churning; his heart was definitely still broken; and, perhaps worst of all, he still remembered all the rubbish he'd said to Ethan about Taylor last night.

 _That's it_ , Cal thought for at least the 1000th time. _I'm never drinking again_.

His stomach lurched and he was relieved to discover Ethan had left him the bucket because he wasn't in any state to run to the bathroom.

He looked up to discover Ethan standing in the doorway. "Are you okay?" he asked softly, as though he suspected Cal had a headache.

"What kind of stupid-" began Cal, but he stopped and held his head, unable to suppress a whimper. That would normally have embarrassed him, but it didn't seem to matter too much after last night.

"Sorry. That was a stupid question. I can see you're not okay." Ethan came into the room and picked up a glass of water from Cal's bedside table. "Here, have some of this."

Cal regarded it suspiciously, not sure his stomach could cope with even water at the moment, but he knew he needed to rehydrate. He had a cautious sip and it stayed down. After a moment or two, he had some more. "I'm never drinking again."

"It's okay. You don't have to," said Ethan, still softly.

Cal gingerly touched his temple. "I think my head is exploding."

"I've made tea and toast," said Ethan. "If you can keep that down, I'll give you some ibuprofen. If not, you'll have to make do with paracetamol." He picked up Cal's bucket. "I'll empty this and bring it back."

Cal nodded, before realising that nodding was a very bad idea. "What was I thinking?" he groaned.

Sadness was etched on Ethan's face. "You were thinking that if you drank ten pints of beer, you might feel happy."

"Only ten?" Cal said in disbelief. "It feels more like twenty."

"I only found ten bottles, but there could be more," said Ethan. "And you drank them on an empty stomach, which didn't help. I tried to get you to eat something and drink some water last night, but you wouldn't."

Cal rubbed his hands across his face. "I wasn't thinking at all, was I?"

"Not much," agreed Ethan. "It's difficult to think when you're in that much pain." He touched Cal's arm gently. "I'll be back in a minute."


	7. Chapter 7

**ETWentHome** , thank you for your review. Yes, Cal will find out what happens if he goes back to work. He'll only find out from Ethan if Ethan's ready to talk and if Cal's read to listen. It's all a bit iffy.

 **CBloom2** , don't worry, I'm really happy it's not completely obvious to everyone! I hope it's not annoying you too much though. Thank you for the review x

 **Tanith Panic** , oh yes, I love a bit of brotherly bonding! Unfortunately, it's a bit one-sided at the moment. Someone needs to do something about that. Probably me. Thank you for the review.

 **Becs2202** , thank you for the review. Cal really needs the support at the moment. But he's not the only one...

* * *

Ethan sat beside Cal and watched as he ate half a slice of toast. Even that seemed like an effort so when Cal put it back on the plate and closed his eyes in defeat, Ethan didn't press him. Perhaps Cal would like some more later, but he'd clearly had enough for now.

"Would you like your painkiller now?" Ethan asked softly.

Cal unthinkingly nodded and went pale as the pain hit him. Ethan put one hand on the bucket, ready to give it to Cal if he needed it, but in a moment or two the colour returned to his cheeks. Ethan handed him a painkiller and the glass of water.

Cal swallowed the tablet and drank some more of the water. "I hope it starts to work soon," he said. He looked like he was trying to smile, but his lips trembled.

"I'm sure it will," said Ethan. He took Cal's hand in his own, expecting to be rebuffed, but Cal held onto it tightly. His eyes closed again and he said nothing, but Ethan knew he was trying to deal with the pain and was glad that holding his hand seemed to help.

It helped Ethan too.

It was so good to give someone medical attention and to know he was helping. It was so good to be doing something and getting it right. Ethan often didn't where Cal was concerned, but at least he was getting it right today, when they both really needed it.

Some minutes passed before Cal spoke. "I don't know how I'm going to cope with work today."

Ethan gave him an incredulous look. "You don't seriously think I'd let you go to work."

"I've already had two days off," said Cal as he rubbed at his forehead.

"I'll tell them you've had a relapse," said Ethan. Virtuously, he added: "It's not a lie."

Cal tried to smile again. "It's a good thing it's not or they'd never believe you."

Ethan smiled, glad that Cal was making even a very weak joke. "Probably not. Would you like some more toast?"

"Not hungry," said Cal. His eyes were closed again. "Tired."

Ethan wasn't surprised. Cal hadn't got much sleep last night, between the drunken crying and the throwing up. Ethan was tired too. The little sleep he'd got was cramped and fitful, sitting on the edge of Cal's bed. Cal had told him several times to go away and leave him to his misery, but he hadn't argued when Ethan had refused. That was enough to convince Ethan that it would be better to stay.

"Do you want to have a nap?" said Ethan.

"I don't know," said Cal listlessly. "I might dream about her. It's good when I'm asleep, but then I wake up again."

Ethan didn't know what to say so he just squeezed Cal's hand.

"I'm glad you're here," said Cal suddenly. "I'll probably hate myself for saying that when I feel better… if I ever feel better… but I am glad you're here. You're helping. Thank you. I just thought I'd say that while I'm too hungover to care what I say. Make the most of it because I might never say it again."

"I will. And I appreciate it." Ethan was touched. It was almost certainly a coincidence and of course he didn't want Cal to suffer, but Cal was saying and doing everything Ethan needed. Ethan swallowed a lump in his throat. "How about some tea?"

"Tea sounds good."

Ethan handed him the mug. Cal held it in both hands and sipped it from time to time, saying nothing. A couple of times, his eyes welled with tears. Ethan pretended not to notice, though he kept a careful eye on his brother. "It will get easier, you know."

"I hope so," said Cal simply. "Or I don't know what I'm going to do." He frowned. "Hey, what time is it? Shouldn't you be going?"

Ethan had expected the question, but he'd hoped Cal wouldn't notice till it was too late. "I'm not going in today."

"Is it your day off?" Cal's eyes were screwed up. Whether that was because of confusion or because the room was too bright, Ethan didn't know.

"I don't think I should leave you alone," said Ethan.

It was the wrong thing to say. Or possibly the right thing to say, as Cal instantly started to behave more like his usual self. He sat up a bit straighter and thumped his tea down on the bedside table. "Ethan, there's nothing wrong with me! I just got a bit drunk and talked rubbish like drunks do, and now I've got the headache I deserve. There's no reason for you to stay off work too. Besides, didn't you say we were short-staffed?"

Ethan felt his hopes sinking. Cal was right. He had to go. Even if he explained how unhappy Cal was (and he had no intention of humiliating Cal by doing that) it seemed unlikely Connie would agree to letting him stay with Cal. If he said he'd caught Cal's illness, that would be a different matter, but that would be dishonest and wrong – not to mention that he was an utterly unconvincing liar.

"Ethan?" Cal was looking at him closely, his eyes more alert than they'd been since Ethan had got home last night. "Are you okay?"

"Of course I'm okay," said Ethan. If he'd needed proof of how utterly unconvincing he was when he lied, that sentence would have done it.

"Because you don't look it," said Cal. He leaned forward slightly. Ethan didn't miss the flicker of pain passing across his face, but Cal didn't give in to it. "What's wrong?" His voice increased in volume as he became more concerned. "This has nothing to do with what Connie was talking to me about, has it?"

"I'm just worried about you," said Ethan. He steeled himself for what he had to say next. He knew Cal would hate it and he didn't want to upset him any further, but he knew it was the best way of distracting Cal and ensuring he asked no further questions about Connie. Ethan didn't want him to worry about that until he was feeling better. "Caleb, you were so depressed yesterday, you drank yourself half into a coma, then you spent most of last night crying on my shoulder. How am I supposed to leave you alone?"

Cal glared at him. "I'm not depressed! And I wasn't crying for most of the night. And even if I was, it was just the alcohol. I… I was reading some research saying there's evidence to suggest that alcohol stimulates the lachrymal duct."

Ethan shook his head. "I'm sure you're making that up, but even if you're not, you really aren't yourself if you've been reading research papers."

"Ethan, can you just go to work and leave me alone?" burst out Cal in an unsteady voice. He took a breath and continued slightly more calmly. "The way I feel now, I'm never going to drink alcohol again. I'm definitely not going to drink today. And if I'm not drunk, there's no reason for me to cry. Is there?"

He faced Ethan with an angry, challenging stare, daring him to mention Taylor's name. Ethan looked away first. He wanted to stay here and look after Cal and forget work existed for another day, but even if the ED could manage without him, he didn't see how he could stay behind without arousing Cal's suspicions. "Okay. I'll go to work. But I'll come and check on you at lunchtime."

"I'll be fine," said Cal defiantly. "I might be better by lunchtime anyway."

Ethan wondered for a panicked moment if Cal might come to work at lunchtime. If he did, someone would be bound to mention Ethan's situation to him and Ethan couldn't bear for him to hear about it from someone else. He didn't know how he was going to cope with the shame and disappointment on his brother's face when he found out what Ethan had done, and it would be still worse if he knew Ethan had lacked the courage to tell him.

"No, I don't think you should come to work at lunchtime," said Ethan, and carried on quickly as Cal started to object. "I'm sure you will feel better, but if you come in then, it's going to be obvious you were hungover and then everyone's going to think you've been on a three-day bender. Then if it's gets back to Zoe, which it will, she might decide Mrs Beauchamp needs to know about… about anything that might be affecting you. It's too much of a risk."

Cal stared at Ethan for a moment or two, his brain clearly ticking over, but then he clutched at his stomach again, going pale, and Ethan hurriedly gave him the bucket. After a couple of deep breaths, Cal handed it back empty, but he didn't return to the subject of a lunchtime return to work, and when Ethan finally left him holding his head and groaning to himself, he had the feeling that the thought couldn't be further from Cal's mind.


	8. Chapter 8

**theverystuffoflife** , I'm happy you sympathise with both of them! Ethan is being braver than Cal at the moment, but they are both struggling to cope and it's really good to know I've managed to make that clear. Thank you very much for your review.

 **20BlueRoses** , I can't tell you yet if Cal will support Ethan or not, but I agree with you that it needs to work both ways! Don't worry - you will find out what's happened to Ethan and so will Cal. Thank you for reading my story and reviewing it.

 **ETWentHome** , that would certainly be interesting if Cal turned up at work - he probably would notice there was something wrong with Ethan and someone might assume he knew already and try to talk to him about it. But I'm afraid Cal has other plans in this chapter. Thank you for the review!

 **GillianKearneyFan** \- thank you for reviewing and for sympathising with Cal. I was a bit worried you would all think Cal was being stupid and selfish so it's really great to know he has some support.

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you, that's really kind of you! It particularly means a lot considering that both are behaving out of character to an extent. Ethan is far from unflappable at the moment and Cal is hardly emotionally detached. I hope the wait wasn't too long!

 **CBloom2** , it's always really lovely to read that someone is worried about one of my characters - thank you! (though of course Ethan isn't really mine - if only!). I'm afraid there isn't really any caring Ethan in this chapter, but I hope you'll still enjoy it.

* * *

Ethan had always hated school. He'd quite liked most of the lessons, but school could be a cruel time if you were different from those around you. Ethan was supremely intelligent, painfully shy and possessed of a sense of humour only he could understand. All these elements combined to make school almost unbearable. He hated getting up in the morning; he leaving the house; he hated the journey; but perhaps the worst thing of all was walking into the school building, as his vain hopes that the school would somehow cease to exist were finally dashed.

He felt a bit like that now.

Ethan had arrived at the hospital a good ten minutes ago but was yet to leave his car. If he didn't get out soon, he would be officially late, something that rarely happened to him. But his body felt frozen into the driver's seat and he couldn't even extend his hand to take the keys out of the ignition.

He'd have felt slightly better about himself if the reason for his anxiety was Cal. There was certainly a lot to worry about where his brother was concerned. Between the physical and the emotional problems, Cal was probably going to find looking after himself even more difficult than usual. Ethan fully expected to arrive home at lunchtime to find Cal dehydrated, in serious pain, and quite possibly in floods of tears.

But all that seemed like a long way away. Ethan was far more focused on the next few minutes: wondering how he was going to get out of the car, walk across the car park to the ED and then somehow get on with his job. Even the tasks that were unrelated to the incident filled him with trepidation now. If he could mess up one thing, who knew what else might happen?

Ethan looked at the car clock as he'd once looked at the clock in his house before school. Willing it to stop. Willing something to happen so he wouldn't have to go in there.

 _I can't go in there. I can't. Don't make me._

He'd thought the words so many times, but he'd always gone to school and he knew he had to go into the hospital now.

The power of movement returned to Ethan's body. He took the keys from the ignition; got out of his the car; walked across the car park. All the time his brain was still telling him he couldn't do this, but his body kept moving as he knew it must.

Ethan went into the hospital.

* * *

Cal just wanted it to stop.

The ibuprofen was doing its job. The pain in his head was receding. He'd finally finished the toast and his stomach was beginning to settle too. In the past, this moment had always been a relief: the worst of his hangover was over and he would gradually recover.

But with the pain in his head weakening, there was more room for the pain in his heart.

He knew it was stupid. The girl he'd loved didn't exist and he really should be over her. But even now, he was still hoping. Every time his phone rang or signalled a text message, he thought it might be her. Every email lifted his hopes and caused his heart to soar, only for it to crash back down painfully when he realised it was just another piece of junk mail. Every moment, a new daydream filled his head of the moment where Taylor would tell him she loved him and she always had.

 _I had to pretend for your sake, Cal. I knew you were much too good for me. I didn't deserve a man like you. I knew the best thing for you would be to get out of your life completely, but the truth is I can't live without you, Cal. I love you. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone or anything._

Cal balled his hands into fists and slammed them down onto the duvet. Stupid, stupid daydreams! Idiotic thoughts that shouldn't be there but wouldn't go away.

He felt a tear roll down his face, followed by another. He let his head fall into his hands and sobbed for a while, but then he made himself stop.

He had to do something. Drinking wasn't the answer: that had only made him feel worse. Drugs didn't appeal to him and even if he was tempted to overdose, the fact that he'd end up being treated by his friends and colleagues would have been enough to dissuade him. Going out and getting laid had its attractions, but it was impossible not to compare the girls he met with Taylor and they never measured up.

He only wanted Taylor.

He had to see her.

Cal got out of bed. His headache protested loudly, but he ignored it as he grabbed some clothes and went to the bathroom. A quick shower and then he was on his way.

He realised he had no idea what he would say when he saw her, but he would think of something, he was sure. He was seldom at a loss for words with girls. If he couldn't think of anything to say, perhaps she would start the conversation.

He got into the car and drove to the prison. His head was beginning to throb and he was starting to feel nauseous again, but he hoped that would pass. He parked outside the prison and stumbled inside, nearly tripping over the step. He steadied himself against the wall and breathed, trying to calm his emotions as well as his stomach. His head felt as though someone was pounding it with a fist, though it wasn't as bad as it had been when he'd woken up.

Cal looked over at the desk. The man seemed to be engrossed in something and hadn't even noticed Cal. Cal walked groggily towards him and said he'd like to see Taylor.

The man looked him up and down and seemed unimpressed by what he saw. "I take it you mean _Mr_ Taylor?"

"No, I mean _Miss_ Taylor. I mean Miss Ashbie. I mean Taylor Ashbie." Cal held onto the desk as a wave of dizziness overcame him. "She's a prisoner."

"You can't just walk in off the street and ask to see one of the prisoners!" said the man. "Especially not in this state. You'll need to telephone the visiting booking office."

"Can't you just book me in now?" said Cal as he put his hand to his aching forehead. "You must have all the details. Please. I need to see her."

The man looked annoyed. "This is not the booking office. You'll find the number on our website." He returned his attention pointedly to his computer screen.

Cal held on more tightly to the desk. "Where is the booking office?"

"You can't go to the booking office in person. You can only book over the telephone. If that's all..."

"Please!" Cal's eyes were filling with tears. "Please just let me see her. I love her."

The man raised his voice. "I've already told you I can't do it. Now, are you going to leave or do I need to ask security to remove you?"

Cal felt his stomach heave and realised that if he didn't leave, he was in danger of throwing up all over the floor. Defeated, he turned and left the building and stood out in the fresh air, breathing deeply and trying not to cry. He saw cars driving past and considered walking out in front of one of them. If he did it just right, his colleagues might think it was an accident.

But they'd probably save his life and that was the last thing Cal wanted at the moment. He didn't want anything that would only make the pain go on and on.

Slowly, he walked back to the car.


	9. Chapter 9

**ETWentHome** , Ethan does tell Cal a little bit in this chapter, but whether it will have any effect on Cal remains to be seen. Thank you for the review!

 **Tanith Panic** , I agree Cal should have more sense and I'm sure he knows what he's doing isn't a good idea, but I think he's just too upset to care at the moment. He's just reacting without thinking. I'm happy you think I've raised some really good points but also intrigued to know what they are! Thank you for the review.

 **ProfessorElk** , thank you so much for reading and reviewing my story. Things are quite intense in this chapter too - I hope you enjoy it!

* * *

Nothing had gone wrong for Ethan so far, but you could never relax in the ED. There was always a chance that an emergency patient would arrive. Always a waiting room full of patients who were in the various stages between being at death's door and being perfectly all right. You never knew what would happen next. You never knew who your next patient would be.

Ethan was almost relieved when his phone rang. At least it would be a brief respite.

When he realised the caller was Cal, he berated himself for worrying so much about his own problems. Cal was in a much worse state than he was and he needed to remember that. At least Ethan was still able to work, just about. Cal could barely leave his room.

"Ethan!" Cal was breathing hard, almost sobbing. "I need your help."

"It's all right, Cal," said Ethan as comfortingly as he could. "Just tell me what's happened."

"My car's been clamped," said Cal.

Ethan wondered if he'd heard correctly. "Sorry, can you hold on for one second?" He retreated to the far end of the corridor where it was quieter. "Sorry about that. Can you tell me again what's happened?"

"My car's been clamped!" said Cal, in much the same voice he might have used to announce that the flat had burned down or he'd run out of beer.

"You mean outside the flat?" said Ethan, confused.

Cal sniffed. "No, outside the prison."

"Outside the…" Ethan didn't need to ask what Cal was doing at the prison. "Did you see her?"

"No, they wouldn't let me," said Cal sadly. "Will you come and get me, Ethan?"

Ethan checked the time. "I don't think I can really leave the ED now," he said with genuine regret because all he really wanted was to get out of there. Even if it did mean getting Cal out of another mess. "Can you get a taxi?"

"I haven't got any money," said Cal. "Please come, Ethan. My head's hurting and I feel sick."

Ethan waited for the anger; the irritation; the frustration with Cal for needing his help again and with himself for not being able to say no.

But instead he just felt grateful to be leaving the hospital.

"Of course I'll come," he said with far more warmth than he could usually have mustered. "Don't worry. I'll be with you soon."

He felt even more worried when Cal, rather than saying something like: "Yeah, great, see you soon," instead thanked him meekly and gratefully. But he also felt glad because it vindicated even further Ethan's decision to leave the hospital.

He didn't tell anyone he was going. They would only try to stop him (and probably succeed) and he didn't want anyone to know what Cal had done. Luckily, Zoe had been called away to help with an emergency, leaving Ethan to deal with minor accidents and ailments in cubicles. Ethan got changed quickly, collected his keys and drove to the prison. Cal was standing outside it, his hands jammed in his trouser pockets. He wasn't wearing a coat or jumper and he was shivering. His hair was sticking up on end and his eyes were red and puffy.

Ethan quickly went over to him. "Cal?"

Cal jumped at the sound of his name. He looked at Ethan as though he hadn't expected to see him.

Ethan put his arm around him. "Come on. I'll take you home."

Cal went with him docilely. They were both silent on the journey home. Ethan didn't know what to say and Cal seemed lost in his thoughts. Ethan glanced at Cal every so often, but his face was white and blank and Ethan wasn't sure he'd have heard even if he had spoken.

When they got home, Cal went to bed. He sat on top of the covers, still not speaking. Ethan touched his cold hand. "I'll get you a jumper, Cal, okay?"

Cal didn't answer, but when Ethan brought him a jumper, he did manage to put it on himself. "Thanks," Cal said softly, staring down into his lap.

"That's all right." Ethan patted his shoulder. "I'll make you some tea and toast. The tea should warm you up a bit and if you eat something, that should settle your stomach and you'll be able to have more painkillers too."

He didn't know why he'd said all that. Perhaps to fill the silence. Again, there was no response from Cal. Ethan felt a lump forming in his throat and hurried out into the kitchen.

Ethan filled the kettle, put two slices of bread into the toaster and waited. Now Cal was home and safe, Ethan felt as helpless and useless as he had at the hospital. Cal needed help, but apart from keeping him fed and pain-free, there was nothing Ethan could do. All those years at medical school and he couldn't even make his own brother better. He knew, of course, that Cal's problems were psychological and therefore outside his field of expertise, but he felt he should have realised that before and done something about it before now. He was trained to recognise psychological problems and make the correct referrals. He should have spotted it before it reached this stage.

Ethan's phone rang and he pulled it from his pocket. A sharp knot of fear formed in his stomach when he saw who it was. Connie Beauchamp, who no doubt wanted to know where he'd disappeared to. And he couldn't tell her the truth because then he'd have to explain just how serious Cal's problems were. "Hello, Mrs Beauchamp."

"Dr Hardy. So you are still alive. Care to tell me why you're not at work?"

"I…I…" Ethan didn't know what to say. In a panic, he ended the call and switched the phone off, but as soon as he'd done it, he was overcome by horror. He'd just hung up on the clinical lead at a time when his behaviour was already a cause for concern. All because of Cal and his broken heart.

Ethan's hands shook as he poured out the tea. Hot liquid sloshed over the sides, but if Ethan burned himself, he didn't notice. He grabbed the toast from the toaster and went into Cal's bedroom. His brother was sniffling pathetically, his cheeks wet with tears. Ethan slammed the plate onto his lap and put the tea only slightly more gently on the bedside table.

Cal looked up at him, his eyes wide and bewildered. "Ethan, are you okay?"

Ethan was hit by a burst of wild, desperate fury. "Of course I'm not okay! I had to leave my job without telling anyone _again_ just because my brother, my _older_ brother had got himself into another stupid mess that was completely his fault! She doesn't love you, Cal. Get over it! It's hardly a matter of life or death, is it? Do you think I want to look after you all the time? Did you think I wanted to sit up with you all night, wiping your tears away and holding your head while you puked your guts up? No, probably not, because you never do think, do you? Not about me. All you think about is yourself and your precious Taylor. Well, I'm sick of it!"

He glanced at Cal as he spoke, expecting him to be crying again, but he was just staring at Ethan in shock.

"Yes, I'm sick of it, Cal," said Ethan harshly. "I've been sick of it for a long time. You're not the only person with problems, you know. I've got problems. My whole career might be falling apart for all you know!"

"Your career's falling apart?" Cal held out his hand, but Ethan ignored it. "Ethan?"

"Maybe it is; maybe it isn't," said Ethan. "My point is you don't know! We live together and work together, but you don't even care-" He heard his voice tremble and stopped. He didn't want to cry in front of Cal. He didn't want Cal to have any idea there was anything wrong, and he especially didn't want Cal's sympathy at a time when Ethan had none of his own to offer.

"Ethan," said Cal. His voice sounded odd, but at least he was showing no signs of collapsing in tears. Unlike Ethan. "Of course I care. What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong!" said Ethan. "At last, finally, I've got something right."

He turned and fled from the flat.


	10. Chapter 10

**ETWentHome** , noticing Ethan's feelings isn't usually one of Cal's strong points! So you wouldn't expect him to be any better at it when he's heartbroken and hungover. Thank you so much for your kind words.

 **Becs2202** , Ethan hasn't said very much, but let's hope it's enough to get through to Cal. Thank you for the review!

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you so much! That's really kind of you. I agree it was justified. You could say it wasn't the best time, but when would it have been a good time?

* * *

Cal stared after Ethan, too confused to be upset. He could understand why Ethan was annoyed with him. Everything Ethan had said to him was true. He shouldn't have kept Ethan awake for most of the night and although he hadn't had much choice about asking Ethan to come and pick him up from the prison, he knew he shouldn't have gone there in the first place.

It seemed especially thoughtless when Ethan had problems of his own. Cal had realised that yesterday, but then he'd got all wrapped up in his own problems again and he'd forgotten about Ethan. He'd forgotten about his own little brother.

Ethan had tried to talk to him last night, Cal realised. He'd offered to explain what Connie had meant about the doctor who needed supervision at work. But all Cal had wanted to do was talk about his own problems.

Assuming Connie really hadn't been talking about Cal, there was only one doctor she could mean. She would hardly have mentioned it to Cal if it was Dylan or Zoe. It was just about possible that he meant a junior doctor like Lily: perhaps she'd made a mistake in front of Cal which he hadn't noticed because he was too busy trying to keep himself together, but it seemed far more likely that she was talking about the doctor Cal knew better than any other. The doctor he'd grown up with and now lived with. His brother.

Ethan was struggling at work and Cal had made things a million times worse.

Cal didn't know what to do. He could apologise, of course - much as he hated apologising to Ethan - but he couldn't do that until Ethan came home. He would also ask what was wrong and offer his support, but he knew Ethan might refuse to tell him anything. It wasn't the first time he'd accused Cal of not caring about him and not noticing there was something wrong, but part of the problem was that Ethan didn't confide in him. He just carried on as usual and expected Cal to guess.

Cal picked up his phone and toyed with the idea of sending Ethan some sort of supportive text message to help get him through the day, but his mind was blank. He started scrolling through the other texts he'd received, looking particularly at the get-well-soon texts that Lofty, Max and Robyn had sent him, but although they were kind, Cal didn't see how he could adapt them for Ethan's situation. He went further back in the hope that someone might have sent him a supportive text at some stage and, perhaps inevitably, he ended up reading through all his messages from Taylor.

The result of this was predictable. Cal cried for a while and then started wondering if one drink would do any harm. He wasn't at all convinced one could help where ten had failed yesterday, but he stumbled into the kitchen all the same, only to discover that Ethan had hidden all the alcohol.

A part of him was glad. He knew that drinking wouldn't be good for him and it would only cause more stress for Ethan, but Cal was angry now. If he wanted to drink, that was his decision. Ethan had no right to take the choice away from him.

Cal stomped into Ethan's room, thinking that was the most likely place for him to have hidden alcohol, but his brother was meticulously tidy and it didn't take long to establish there was nowhere the bottles could be hidden. More in hope than anything else, Cal grabbed some books from the shelves and threw them onto the floor. There was no space behind the books for bottles, but the action seemed to help so Cal took another handful and did the same thing. Once he'd emptied the bookshelf, he looked at the fallen books and fell to his knees with a sudden rush of guilt.

He carefully began to gather up all the books, which he arranged on the shelf in alphabetical order. Perhaps that was wrong; perhaps it was supposed to be subject order or some sort of numerical order: it was difficult to tell with Ethan. But Cal couldn't leave them all over the floor.

He _had_ to stop letting his emotions control his behaviour. Ethan needed him. Perhaps more than he'd ever needed Cal in his life.

* * *

Ethan knew he was late. He'd been late even before he'd left the flat, but he'd been trying to cling to a vague sort of hope that all the clocks in the house and in his car were wrong. He was so worried about it, he didn't even panic about leaving the car and soon he was hurrying off to get changed and back to work.

Exactly what his work could entail was something he was trying not to think about.

He was also trying not to think about how Cal must be feeling following Ethan's outburst. He would probably feel very upset once the shock had worn off, but there was nothing Ethan could do about it now. There wasn't time to phone and apologise and he felt apologies should really be made face to face.

"You're late," Louise told him with a certain amount of relish as he passed reception.

"Give it a rest, Louise," said Noel. "Ethan wouldn't be late without a good reason."

Ethan threw him a quick smile and hurried past, but Louise called him back. "I just thought you'd like to know Mrs Beauchamp is looking for you."

"Thank you," said Ethan and went off to change, but all he really wanted was to go home and hide in bed with Cal as though they were children again.

But he knew he wouldn't be welcome. Not after what he'd said.

* * *

When Cal had finished putting the books back on Ethan's shelves, he returned to his room. He'd hoped that doing something nice for Ethan might help him to feel better, but it wasn't quite the same when he'd caused the problem in the first place. He finished the tea and toast Ethan had made for him, but Cal didn't think that would help Ethan much either.

Cal lay down on his bed. Almost at once, he thought of Taylor and the tears rose to his eyes again, but he dashed them away in sudden annoyance. He couldn't lie here crying like a big baby when Ethan needed him. He needed to go and do something useful. Something that would help Ethan.

Cal stayed where he was for a moment. Gradually, an idea formed in his mind.

It wasn't going to be easy. His head still ached and the nausea hadn't completely gone, and his emotions definitely still felt raw. He knew he'd struggle to concentrate and not make mistakes and he wasn't sure how he'd cope if something went wrong. All he knew was that he couldn't ask Ethan to rescue him. The whole point of this exercise was to make things better for Ethan, not worse.

This time, Cal remembered to put a coat on. He also remembered his wallet and his key to the flat.

But he knew that was the easy part.


	11. Chapter 11

**ETWentHome** , thank you for the review! I thought it was about time Cal started thinking of Ethan, but you're right that Ethan won't necessarily accept Cal's help. Cal isn't in this chapter, but he will be in the next one.

 **Becs2202** , Cal can be a bit slow sometimes when it comes to doing the right thing for his brother, but hopefully he'll get there this time. Thank you for the review!

 **Tanith Panic** , I'm glad that part made you smile! There's not much to smile about in this story. I can imagine Ethan arranging all his books in some sort of order. Thank you for the review.

* * *

Ethan was tired. So, so tired, but he had to keep going. All his patients had been relatively easy to deal with so far and so had their relatives. He'd had some bad news to deliver on a couple of occasions, but although there had been tears, no-one had blamed him. Gradually, Ethan had felt himself beginning to relax back into his job, but now the exhaustion and stress was catching up with him and he wanted nothing more than to go home, make sure Cal was okay, and then sleep.

But the end of his shift was a long way away and now he found himself in the one position he was really hoping to avoid. An emergency patient was heading straight towards him. Ethan felt a moment's panic, but then his professional instincts kicked in and he went to help.

The person on the stretcher was conscious. And angry. "What's wrong with you?" she was screaming at Dixie. "Aren't you listening to me? I'm in pain and I need pain relief!"

"We've given you some pain relief, lovely," said Dixie. She looked up and met Ethan's eyes momentarily. "And I'm sure Dr Hardy will give you some more if you need it."

"He better had give her some more!" said the man who'd followed the stretcher. "Because as far I've seen, you've been nothing but useless. Look at her: can't you see she's in pain? And all this fuss about her pulse. Of course her pulse is high: she's stressed, isn't she?" He looked at Ethan. "Are you going to do something then, or are you just going to stand there?"

Ethan had been telling himself he needed to do something, but his body wouldn't obey. He was trembling so hard, he was sure it must be visible to everyone, and all he wanted to do was turn and run.

Then Zoe appeared beside him. She apologised to the patient, the paramedics and Ethan for taking so long, and quickly took control. "Dr Hardy, could you go on ahead to Resus and check everything's prepared? And please ask Rita to help if she's available."

Ethan knew there was no need. He knew Zoe was just giving him a minute or two to recover himself. On arriving at Resus, he discovered Rita gossiping with some of the other nurses and reminded them that a patient was on her way in. "She's asking for pain relief. I think she's had morphine so maybe we could have some on standby, but I think Dr Hanna wants to examine her first."

He thought he'd done a reasonably good job of sounding normal, but he didn't miss the concern in Rita's eyes. She asked one of the junior nurses to organise the pain relief and went over to Ethan. "Are you okay?" she asked in a low voice.

"Never been better," said Ethan untruthfully.

Rita seemed about to say something else, but at that moment the patient was wheeled in, and Ethan focused on what Zoe was telling him, trying to push all his fears and anxieties out of his mind.

After all, he didn't have to deal with this alone.

* * *

"Well done," said Zoe, and smiled warmly at Ethan as she squeezed his arm. "You did well. Now go and get some lunch."

Ethan gave a small smile and went straight out to the car. He knew he hadn't really done well. The patient was now calm, stable and happily doped up with pain relief and Ethan hadn't put a foot wrong, but he also knew that he should have been able to deal with the problem himself. He knew this with certainty because he _had_ dealt with the problem himself. On numerous occasions.

But he didn't even want to think about what might have happened if Zoe hadn't been there.

When he got home, he knocked on Cal's bedroom door, but there was no answer. Ethan's heart thumped as he pushed the door open, but one glance told him the room was empty. He tried the bathroom, which was also empty, then the living room and kitchen, but there was no sign of him. The only other possibility was Ethan's own room, but he didn't think Cal would be in there.

Unless he'd gone looking for the missing beer bottles, of course. They were actually in the boot of Ethan's car, but if Cal had discovered their absence, Ethan's room would be the obvious place to look.

Ethan opened the door stood there for a moment, frowning slightly. Cal wasn't there and there was no obvious sign he had been, but his room looked different in some way he couldn't define. He didn't think it could be anything Cal had done because if Cal had searched his room, he would never have tidied up after himself when he'd finished.

But there was something.

However, the exact nature of that something was unimportant. Ethan needed to find Cal before he did something (else) stupid. He tried phoning him, something which he really should have done before, but Cal didn't answer, though his phone was clearly switched on. Ethan left a garbled message telling him he was really sorry and asking Cal to call him as he was worried about him, but he knew Cal might not even have his phone with him. He was fairly sure it wasn't in the house as he hadn't heard Cal's ringtone, but he could have left it anywhere.

All Ethan could do was go and look for him.

He ran out of the flat, got back into his car and drove to the prison, but there was no sign of Cal and the man on the desk said he hadn't seen him since that morning. Next, Ethan tried all the pubs, these being the obvious place to go when you needed a drink, but Cal wasn't there. His next thought was to check the park benches, but none of them were occupied by Cal, and now time was running out. He should really have been back at work five minutes ago and he hadn't had any lunch.

Ethan wanted to keep looking for Cal. His brother wasn't thinking straight at the moment and God only knew what he would take it into his head to do next. But Cal was an adult and he was really responsible for himself, however little he was capable of looking after himself at the moment. Ethan was responsible for the patients who were waiting at the hospital in varying stages of distress.

He stopped at the off-licence, bought a sandwich which he wolfed down far too quickly, and returned to the hospital.


	12. Chapter 12

**ETWentHome** , thank you so much for your review. Ethan doesn't leave the hospital once in this chapter so maybe he'll put Cal out of his head completely and get on with his work. Or maybe he won't...

 **Tanith Panic** , I promise I didn't steal the stomach ache idea from you! I love it when Ethan does his best for Cal and I'm hoping he'll get back to doing that in tonight's episode. Thank you for the review!

* * *

Ethan arrived back at the hospital fifteen minutes late with stomach ache. Guiltily, he hurried off to change, only to see Connie coming the other way.

"You're late, Dr Hardy. Care to tell me why you keep disappearing?"

"I'm sorry, Mrs Beauchamp. I was checking on Caleb," said Ethan. He put his hand to his stomach and wondered if the pharmacy had any indigestion tablets.

"If Dr Knight is unwell enough to need the services of an ER registrar, he can come and sit in the waiting room like everyone else," said Connie. "If not, he's hardly your concern."

"He's my brother!" Ethan said disbelievingly. "You can't expect me not to worry about-" He remembered who he was talking to and stopped himself. "I'm sorry, Mrs Beauchamp. For being late and for speaking to you like that."

"And what about all the rest of the trouble you've caused lately?" said Connie. "Are you sorry for that?"

Ethan hung his head. "Of course I am. I'm very sorry for everything I've done wrong."

"Then go and do something right for a change," said Connie.

Ethan scurried off to change. He was fighting tears, but he knew he deserved her rebuke. He hadn't done anything right for a long time. He'd messed up with his patients; he'd been cruel to his heartbroken and possibly depressed brother; and now he couldn't even get to work on time. He knew he needed to sort himself out, but he didn't know how.

He wished there was someone he could talk to, but he didn't feel that close to anyone in the ED. He knew they all respected him as a doctor (or they had done) and he didn't think any of them actively disliked him, but none of them seemed that interested in him as a person. Lily seemed to enjoy their medical discussions, but she preferred not to discuss personal matters. Lofty was very kind, but he was more Cal's friend than Ethan's and it seemed disloyal to tell him about Cal's problems. Rita would listen, but she'd want something to be done about it and there was always a chance she might make a decision without consulting Ethan. There was always Zoe or Charlie, of course, but they'd already spent valuable time supporting Ethan recently and he didn't like to ask any more of them.

And Robyn… he couldn't talk to Robyn. He couldn't even look at her without feeling guilty, so how could he unburden himself to her?

* * *

Cal hadn't thought about alcohol for some time, but considering where he was, it was inevitable he'd come face to face with it sooner or later.

Not that alcohol really had a face, but it was certainly giving Cal a good, hard stare.

He stretched his hand out towards one of the bottles and told himself there was no reason why he shouldn't buy it. He was over eighteen and had every right to buy as much alcohol as he wanted to. Just because he was buying it, it didn't mean he was going to go home and drink it all at once.

Maybe he was going to drink it at all. He could buy it for Ethan. Ethan was obviously going through hell and it might help to drown his sorrows a little bit.

Cal picked up one of the bottles and put it into his basket. Another followed. Then another.

Then another…

* * *

Ethan sat in the staff room and tried to calm himself down. Nothing had gone wrong. He'd only been dealing with patients from the waiting room, but at least he hadn't needed Zoe's help. So far, everything had gone well, but he couldn't help worrying.

A successful hour or so at work didn't change the fact he had a problem and it also didn't change the fact his brother was missing. Cal did have a habit of disappearing off the face of the earth and then turning up completely okay, but that was often only after weeks or even months of worry. Ethan hoped he would get home at the end of the day and find Cal waiting for him. If he did, he would apologise for his behaviour and ask Cal to forgive him.

But what if Cal wasn't there?

The phone in Ethan's hands vibrated and he almost dropped it. He nearly did the same again when he saw who the text was from.

It was from Cal.

Or maybe it wasn't from Cal. Maybe it was from someone who'd found Cal's phone. Maybe Cal was so upset by what Ethan had said, he'd gone off and done something stupid and abandoned his phone somewhere…

Ethan's mouth was dry as he looked at the text.

 _I'm fine, I'm shopping, don't worry_

At first, Ethan only felt overpowering relief that Cal was able to reply to his text message. The fact he was doing the shopping willingly was out of character, but it would be good for Cal to do something useful. Maybe Ethan's words had had a positive effect.

Then Ethan felt terror as he realised that it might not be so much food shopping as retail therapy. Ethan wasn't necessarily against the idea of buying yourself something to cheer you up, but Cal's tastes were expensive and his bank balance was low.

He phoned Cal, but his brother didn't answer.

* * *

Cal stumbled down another aisle. There had to be loos somewhere. Wasn't it the law or something? He was sure there had to be loos if there was a café and Cal knew there was a café because that was what had caused the problem. He didn't know what it was he'd smelled, but it had turned Cal's slight queasiness into something much worse.

At last, he saw the sign up ahead of him. He dropped his basket outside the door and rushed in, hoping there was an available cubicle. To his relief, there was. He sank down onto his knees, leaning over the toilet bowl just in time.

When he was sure he'd finished, he sat up, leaning back against the door. This had been a stupid idea. He wasn't well enough for shopping trips and now he was going to need Ethan to come and pick him up.

Poor Ethan. He deserved so much better than a brother like Cal.


	13. Chapter 13

**ETWentHome** , thank you for the review. I'm really happy I'm managing to put Ethan's feelings across. Let's hope he doesn't have too much of a mess to deal with when he sees Cal - but considering I'm the one writing is, there's probably not much chance of that!

 **CBloom2** , no, I'm sorry, I haven't told you yet. This story is quite badly-structured! But the truth does start to be revealed in Chapter 15 so there's only about a week to go. Thank you for your review!

 **Tanith Panic** , I was just teasing you. I'm sorry. I knew you wouldn't really think that. Thank you for the review - I really appreciate it that you said it was realistic as both their situations are a bit outside my experience.

* * *

As soon as he felt he could justify having another quick break, Ethan checked his phone again, but there was nothing from Cal. Ethan knew this wasn't necessarily bad news: it might simply mean that Cal didn't want to tell Ethan what he was doing at the shops. He might think it was a silly question or none of Ethan's business or he just couldn't be bothered to text Ethan his whole shopping list.

But Ethan couldn't help worrying there was another reason.

He jumped as the door opened and Zoe entered. She smiled at Ethan and asked how he was doing, but Ethan felt the now-familiar panic rising and jumped to his feet. "I'm sorry. I was just having a very quick break. But I've finished now. I'll get back to work."

"Ethan, it's fine," said Zoe with a gentle smile. "You should have as many breaks as you need. I'm not here to check up on you – I need a break too! We just had that hypochondriac girl here again. You'll never guess what it was this time – radiation burns on her lungs! She actually came to talk about hyperparathyroidism again, but she got a bit breathless walking up the steps next to the x-ray department and drew her own conclusions."

Ethan gave an unconvincing laugh. "That sounds like our Imogen."

Zoe laughed too. "Doesn't it just? Very annoying at the time, of course, but I have to give credit for her imagination." Then she looked at Ethan more closely and the smile faded from her face. "Ethan? Has something happened?

"No, nothing's happened," said Ethan. He knew he needed to get back to work before Zoe asked any more questions, but instead he found himself sinking into a chair.

"Ethan, it's okay," said Zoe. She sat beside him. "I know it's been a tough time for you. All this worry over Cal, and then the problem with the patient. It's not surprising you're so stressed. Listen, once Cal's better, why don't you take a few days off? You look like you need it."

To Ethan's horror, his eyes filled with tears. He turned quickly away, but he knew he hadn't been fast enough when he felt Zoe's arm around his shoulder.

"Ethan, is there something else wrong?" said Zoe. "I know you've got more than enough reason to be this upset, but it's not like you to show it."

"I suppose everyone has their limits," Ethan said in a wobbly voice.

"Yes, of course we do," said Zoe. "And everyone reaches them sometimes. And that's okay. In order to be a good doctor, you do have to be a human being too."

Ethan felt a tear escaping and lifted his glasses so he could wipe it away. "I'm not a good doctor at the moment."

"Of course you are," said Zoe. "You are struggling with a very small part of the job, which happens to everyone sometimes, but every other aspect of your work has been exemplary. As it always is."

Ethan wiped another tear. "I'm not sure Mrs Beauchamp would agree with that."

Zoe stroked his back. "You know what Connie's like. Ethan, listen to me. If there is something else wrong, you don't have to tell me what it is. Even if it is affecting your ability to do your job, it's still your business. But if you do tell me, perhaps I can square it with Connie for you. I don't think she wants to know all the details. She just wants to know the hospital can continue to run smoothly. If I tell her you've told me what's wrong and we've come up with some sort of plan, that might be enough for her."

"Perhaps," said Ethan, but his tears were so close to the surface and he didn't think he'd be able to tell Zoe anything without breaking down completely.

"I'll tell you what," said Zoe after a moment. "Go and wait in my office. I'll bring you some tea and we'll see if you feel like talking."

Ethan nodded gratefully. If he had a few moments to himself, perhaps he could get his emotions under control. "Thank you."

Zoe patted Ethan's shoulder. "We can get through this, Ethan, okay?"

* * *

Cal paid the taxi driver and went into the flat. He was exhausted, but at least he'd managed to finish his shopping trip without phoning Ethan. He'd felt dreadful for a short while, but then he'd gradually started to recover and had eventually returned to the supermarket. He'd had a brief panic when he couldn't find his basket, but then he'd realised he was looking in the wrong place.

But now, finally, Cal was home, and he didn't need to do anything for a couple of hours. He had plenty of time to make himself some toast, take some painkillers for his hangover and have a lie-down.

Once the toast was made, he went to his room and flopped down gratefully onto the bed. He knew he'd done well to go out and buy everything he needed. It hadn't been easy. Just because he'd actually started something and managed to see it through, it didn't mean he was no longer upset.

The supermarket and its surroundings had held constant reminders of Taylor. Blonde girls; people collecting for charity; items of food he'd bought for the last meal he'd cooked for Taylor: a meal neither of them had eaten because she hadn't shown up and he'd been too upset to eat. Sometimes it was no more than a word he'd heard that she'd once said to him; a laugh that reminded him of hers; a colour that suited her.

But he'd coped. He'd bought everything he'd intended to buy – and he'd put all the beer back on the shelf. He hadn't cried (or thrown up) in the middle of the supermarket or in the taxi. It was true that reminding himself of this was making him feel a bit emotional, but the point was he'd controlled himself when he'd needed to, and that gave him a bit of hope.

Hope that he could push his own problems aside and be there for Ethan.


	14. Chapter 14

**Tato Potato** , thank you so much! I'm really happy you're enjoying it and I really appreciate your reviews.

 **ETWentHome** , thank you for your review. I didn't want to leave Ethan without support for a minute longer!

 **CBloom2** , not much longer to wait now! Thank you for sticking with the story - and for all your reviews.

 **Tanith Panic** , I'm not sure which door you mean, but as long as you're enjoying it, I'm happy! Thank you for the review.

* * *

Even now she was no longer clinical lead, Zoe's desk was piled high with files, papers, and a couple of shoeboxes. There was nowhere to put their cups of tea and Zoe mounted a swift reorganisation process which seemed completely haphazard, but Ethan suspected it was not an accident that a box of tissues ended up next to him on the desk. He appreciated the thought even though it embarrassed him, but he'd got himself under control now and he hoped that tissues would not be needed.

"Okay, Ethan: I appreciate this won't be easy for you," said Zoe. "So take your time."

Ethan nodded. He had no idea how he was going to start, but Zoe looked so kind and sympathetic, Ethan ended up telling her the whole story, starting from when Cal had decided to take some time off. Zoe listened, nodded understandingly and threw in the occasional comment or question, but mostly she let Ethan talk.

Ethan tried to pretend Cal was a patient rather than his brother and this helped him to present the facts clearly and with minimum emotion. It only became difficult when he confessed everything he'd said to Cal before leaving him. "A lot of it was true and Cal probably needed to hear it, but it wasn't the right time. He was so upset already and I doubt he was in any state to take it in. A lot of the time when I speak to him, I'm not even sure he understands me. Even simple things."

"Cal does sound very unhappy," said Zoe. "You've done a lot to help him and a lot of people wouldn't have done anything like as much. But don't forget you've been through a lot too, Ethan. You're human as I said and you have emotions. You're not going to be able to control them all the time. I'm sure Cal understands that."

"I'm just so worried about what he might be doing now," said Ethan. "He could be anywhere and he's not thinking clearly at all. What if he does something to hurt himself?"

"Then that would be very sad and very worrying," said Zoe, "but it wouldn't be your fault. You can't take responsibility for everything Cal does. He's an adult. He was showing signs of reckless behaviour before you told him a few home truths so anything he does could easily have happened anyway. But the thing about Cal is when he gets into trouble, he always wants your help. So if he does do anything, I'm sure he'll tell you and then we'll be able to help him. Do you think there's any chance Cal might agree to a psych referral?"

Ethan started to say no, but then he stopped. "He might. He just wants to feel better. He might be willing to try anything."

"Then that's something you can discuss with him when the moment seems right," said Zoe. "Or I can do it if you think it would be better coming from someone outside the family. I'll sign Cal off from work officially and we'll see how he goes. But now we need to talk about you, Ethan. I accept your reasons for leaving the hospital - though if it happens again, perhaps you could let me know first – and I'll tell Connie you've spoken to me and there's no need to investigate any further. But you are struggling, Ethan, aren't you?"

Ethan gave a reluctant nod.

"And that's understandable," said Zoe. "A professional crisis of confidence is very difficult, even when your brother isn't having a nervous breakdown."

Ethan's head jerked upwards. "Do you think he is?"

"I didn't mean that literally," said Zoe, a bit too quickly. "But let's talk about you for now. Ethan, we agreed that you should continue to come to work so you could prove to yourself – you don't need to prove anything to anyone else because we know you're capable – that you can still do this job. But if you'd rather take some time off, I'm sure we can sort something out."

"No, I'd rather keep working." Ethan hadn't even needed to think about that. The only way of rebuilding his confidence was to put himself in similar situations and try different ways of dealing with them. But then he thought of something and felt despondent. "But maybe I should take some time off to look after Cal."

Zoe shook her head firmly. "No, Ethan. Forget about Cal for a minute. If you'd rather keep working then that's what you should do. We'll support you all we can and I'm sure that soon, you'll be able to work on your own again."

"But what about Cal?" Ethan asked in a choked voice.

"Cal will be okay," said Zoe. "It'll probably take him a bit of time, but he always lands on his feet eventually."

Ethan couldn't stop his eyes from flooding with tears. "Only because I'm there to catch him."

* * *

Cal sat, gripping a glass of water and told himself there was no reason to throw it at the TV. That would be stupid. All it would do was create more stress for Ethan and that was the one thing Cal definitely didn't want to do.

It wasn't as though the TV or the glass were in any way to blame. Cal had made the decision to watch daytime television. He'd also made the decision not to change the channel when he realised the programme was about fraudulent charities and how to spot them.

He'd hoped the programme might help bring home to him how badly Taylor had behaved and how unscrupulous she really was, but it only made him aware of the many clues he'd missed. Cal knew he wasn't stupid. He'd gone to medical school. But where Taylor was concerned, his brains seemed to be complete mush.

Now he was so angry with himself for being so stupid, he wanted to break something. Ideally more than one thing. But he knew he mustn't. He'd caused enough damage and Ethan would be the one who picked up the literal and figurative pieces because he always did.

Cal wiped his eyes, released a shaky breath and picked up the remote control. He wouldn't watch anymore. He'd switch off the TV, sort himself out and by then it would be time to start cooking.

He'd hoped to have Ethan's favourite dinner ready as soon as his brother walked through the door. That was what Ethan would have done. But Cal realised he'd messed up the timings slightly and everything seemed to take slightly longer today. He had to be careful about chopping food because his hands were a bit shaky and he lost concentration a couple of times and nearly made a mistake, but considering what a mess he'd been in earlier, he wasn't doing too badly.

He was relieved when the food was finally in the oven. As long as he'd set the timer correctly, there wasn't anything that could go wrong now. He left the kitchen and went to sit on the sofa.

And remembered the last time he'd cooked a special dinner for someone.

 _Keep it together, Cal! Keep it together for Ethan!_

But he was having trouble even thinking about Ethan now.


	15. Chapter 15

_I know it's supposed to be Can't Let Go today, but I'm not happy with the chapter so I'm going to give myself another day to rewrite it. Also I know some of you really want to know what's wrong with Ethan and he does finally start talking about it in this chapter! Thank you to everyone who's still reading._

 **ETWentHome** , thank you for your review. I love writing about them caring about each other, probably more than the arguments! As for the next chapter, here it is! I really hope you like it.

 **sunsetstargazer** , thank you for your review. It's lovely to have a new reader! I'm really happy you like the storyline and I hope you like where it goes in this chapter too.

 **Tanith Panic** , I'm kind of sorry you're uneasy, but as you say it's a good sign so I'm happy at the same time! I think Cal is a really kind person when he engages that part of his brain, but he so often doesn't! Thank you for your review.

* * *

Ethan had never been so relieved to get home, but he knew the day wasn't over. Who knew that kind of state Cal would be in? Ethan had removed all the alcohol from the house, but Cal had been shopping and could so easily have bought more. He might even be completely drunk again. Even if he wasn't drunk, he was going to need Ethan to support him and look after him, and Ethan didn't know where he was going to find the strength.

As Ethan ascended the stairs to his flat, he realised he couldn't even be sure that Cal would be there.

Ethan hadn't seen any more patients after his chat with Zoe, who'd been really kind to him. She'd been tempted to send him home, but Ethan thought he should stay and work. As a compromise, he'd spent the afternoon in Zoe's office, catching up on paperwork. He felt guilty for not seeing any patients, but he was convinced he'd only mess it up and at least this way, none of the patients or the other doctors would know he'd been crying.

Ethan took a deep breath, unlocked the door and went into the flat.

"Ethan!" Cal came running to meet him.

Ethan hated himself for it, but all he wanted was to run away. Perhaps he would have done if he hadn't been so tired.

Cal threw his arms around Ethan and almost knocked him over. "I'm glad you're home."

Ethan could well believe it. He hugged Cal for a moment, discovering to his surprise that it was actually slightly comforting, and then held Cal away from him. His eyes were red, but he wasn't crying now. The blue eyes searching Ethan's face were anxious. Perhaps even as anxious as Ethan felt.

"How are you?" said Cal.

"Fine," said Ethan. "Just a bit tired. How are you?"

Cal suddenly leaned closer. He removed Ethan's glasses. "You've been crying. What happened?" He put his arms around Ethan again. If Ethan wasn't so overwrought, he might have found it unnerving. As it was, he was just confused and worried. Affectionate hugging wasn't on the same level as drinking and trying to visit prisons, but it was out of character and therefore a sign that Cal wasn't himself.

"No, it's allergies," said Ethan. "Someone came in and sprayed lots of perfume around and…" He stopped as he saw the hurt look on his brother's face.

"Ethan, you don't have to lie to me," said Cal. "I know I'm not always as supportive as I could be, but if something's wrong, then I want to help you."

Ethan swiped quickly under his eye. "It's nothing. It's not as bad as what's happening to you."

Cal gave Ethan his glasses back and put his arm around him. "How about if I get us some tea and we can… you know. Talk. A bit. If you want to."

Ethan swallowed. "I do need to tell you what happened, Cal. If I don't tell you, someone else will and then I'll hate myself even more."

"There's no need for you to hate yourself!" Cal rubbed Ethan's back awkwardly. "I can hate you enough for both of us. Come and sit down, Nibbles."

Ethan nodded and let Cal guide him to the sofa. While Cal was making the tea, Ethan took his glasses off again and wiped his eyes. He felt stupid and weak. It was okay for Cal to cry. He'd had his heart broken. He'd lost someone he really loved, who had turned out not to care for him at all. Then he'd thought he'd got her back, only to discover it wasn't her.

But all Ethan had done was fail to do his job properly. Again.

"Here you are!" Cal returned with two cups of tea and gave one to Ethan. "Get that down you. I put some cold water in so it shouldn't be too hot."

Ethan's throat felt tight, as though it might explode with the pressure of not crying. He gulped down some tea. It was a bit hot, but he almost welcomed the pain.

"That's better," said Cal. "Now tell me what happened."

* * *

Cal watched helplessly as Ethan's eyes filled with tears and hoped he was strong enough to deal with this. Something bad had happened to his brother and Cal didn't know if he could help. He could cope with making Ethan some tea, but he didn't see how he was going to solve a problem too serious even for Ethan.

He tried to think what could have upset his brother so much. Clearly, it was something to do with work if Connie knew about it. But even though Cal lived with his brother and knew him better than anybody, he had no idea what had happened.

He should have known. Ethan was his brother. But as usual, Cal had been too wrapped up in himself even to realise there was something wrong.

Cal could see that Ethan was struggling for words. He tried to ignore his own sadness and focus his attention on Ethan. "Mrs Beauchamp said something about a doctor needing to be under supervision to ensure something didn't happen again. I assumed she meant me. But she meant you, didn't she?"

"Yes," said Ethan. He had some more of his tea. "But I can't be supervised properly because we're short-staffed. Zoe helped as much as she could, but it almost happened again. Twice." His lip quivered.

Cal put his arm around Ethan's shoulders. "What happened?"

Ethan pushed his glasses up so he could wipe his eyes. "Today or yesterday or the day before?"

"Start with the day before yesterday," said Cal. He hoped that was the right thing to say. He knew it was often better to begin at the beginning.

"Okay." Ethan held his cup in both hands. "There was a patient. He was critical but stable. We knew his wife had been asking to see him and we decided it would be okay to let her in. Just for a few minutes."

Cal knew it would be most helpful if he just listened, but his brain was already jumping ahead. "Did the patient deteriorate?"

"No. Well, yes. But that wasn't the problem," said Ethan. "Or not the whole problem." He stared down into the cup.

Cal was about to ask more questions; to encourage him to speak, but then Ethan continued.

"His wife came in. She was very distressed, of course."

"Did she upset you?" said Cal. He patted Ethan's shoulder. "Listen. I know it's a bit embarrassing, letting some woman upset you. But it happens. You can't say I've never let a woman upset me, can you?"

He felt Ethan's shoulders rising and falling with every breath. "She was shouting. I did ask her to calm down, but she ignored me. So Robyn got involved. The woman was very tall; very athletic and she was shouting at Robyn and I just let her. Robyn's a tiny thing."

Cal doubted anyone had ever said that about Robyn before, but he took Ethan's point. Robyn certainly wasn't very tall.

"Robyn didn't shout back," said Ethan. He removed his glasses and brushed a finger under both eyes. "She spoke loudly and firmly, but that was all. She said everything I should have said. But the woman thought she was shouting and she shoved her away. Robyn fell over."

"Was she badly hurt?" asked Cal, remembering what Ethan had said about being short-staffed.

"No: just a bit shocked," said Ethan.

Cal stroked his shoulder. "You see? That's not your fault, Ethan. It sounds like there wasn't any harm done."

"No harm done!" Ethan's eyes flooded with tears again. "The man died, Caleb!"


	16. Chapter 16

**ETWentHome** , I'm glad you like Cal supporting Ethan - he took his time about it, but he's doing his best now. Thank you for your review!

 **Guest** , thank you so much. That's really kind of you. I'm quite overwhelmed! I hope you keep reading.

 **CBloom2** , yes, Ethan is in a state - but that is often where we like him! I'm sure Cal will try to help. Whether he succeeds could be another matter. Thank you for your review!

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. I have to say I wouldn't mind if Cal stroked my shoulder! I hope it's convincing for Ethan to feel responsible, though there is more about that later on.

 **Tato Potato** , if you want to know what happens next, just keep reading! It's nice writing about supportive Cal for a change. Thank you for your review!

* * *

Cal wished he'd kept his stupid big mouth shut. But he never did and now he'd upset Ethan even more.

It all proved he was a bad person, but he knew that already. Taylor wouldn't have tried to hurt him if he was a good person like Ethan.

No. That was wrong. Taylor was a con-artist. She didn't care if her victims were good or bad. As long as she thought they were rich.

Ethan started speaking again. Cal wrenched his mind away from his own situation and back to Ethan. His brother needed him. He had to think about Ethan now.

"I should have been keeping an eye on him, but I went to help Robyn," said Ethan shakily. "She got her arms around the woman and escorted her out. I didn't want her dealing with the situation on her own so I went with her."

Cal nodded approvingly. "I'd have gone with her too. It's not your fault, Ethan. Someone should have been there helping you."

"They were all busy," said Ethan. "There was a big car smash with several casualties. So it was just me and Robyn. I should have stayed with the patient, but I went with Robyn. And then…"

"And then the patient deteriorated and he died," said Cal heavily.

Ethan nodded, unable to look at Cal. The cup slipped from his fingers and hit the table leg. It shattered. The crash seemed to startle Ethan. He shrunk towards Cal and started to sob.

Cal put his arms tightly around his little brother. The anger inside him surprised him, but he did his best to control it. He didn't want Ethan to think it was directed at him. Cal wasn't sure if he was angry with the woman who'd caused the problem; the doctor who had left Ethan in charge of the patient; the members of staff who had failed to recognise something was wrong and not come to help Ethan… or just the world. "Ethan, it's okay. You did your best. The patient was obviously a lot more seriously ill than anyone realised. It happens sometimes. You know that."

"And… and… and then…" Ethan tried to force the words out between his sobs.

"Don't try to talk now," said Cal. "You can tell me later. You've got hours to tell me." Cal didn't usually like it when it took someone hours to tell him something, but he knew what it was like now. When you wanted to talk, your mind went blank sometimes and there was nothing there except the pain. Cal wanted to talk about Taylor. He just wanted to get the words and the feelings out of his head and his heart. But the words were too far away for him to reach them and maybe it was the same for Ethan. "Tell me when you're ready, Nibbles. I'll be here."

Ethan cried for a bit longer, but then he lifted his head from Cal's shoulder. "Sorry. I'm okay."

"That's probably the most unconvincing lie you've told me all week – and that's saying something," said Cal. He held out his own cup of tea to Ethan. "Go on. Have some."

Ethan shook his head and sniffled. "No thank you."

"Shall I make you some more?" said Cal, knowing that he and Ethan didn't share the same taste in tea.

"No. I want to tell you." Ethan wiped his tears away. "If you don't mind listening."

"Of course I don't mind listening," said Cal, as he put his arm around Ethan again. "If something's upsetting my little brother, I want to know about it."

* * *

It was difficult, but Ethan managed to explain. He told Cal about the woman on the stretcher and the husband who hadn't wanted her to be treated, particularly not by a man. Cal listened and didn't interrupt. This worried Ethan a little bit as Cal always interrupted. He hoped he wasn't putting too much pressure on Cal. Ethan had a big problem, but he hadn't lost anyone.

He wasn't even sure if Cal was listening. He still had his arm around Ethan, but he was staring off into the distance. But when he finished speaking, Cal patted his shoulder and told Ethan he'd done the right thing. "If she wants a female doctor and there's one available, then she should see the female doctor."

"But I should have restrained her husband," said Ethan.

"It sounds like Max didn't give you the chance," said Cal. "And what could you have done with him? You couldn't go off anywhere and leave the patient without a doctor." He gave Ethan an overprotective look. "I don't like you getting involved in physical stuff anyway. You're too small."

"I seem to remember taking _you_ out with a right hook," said Ethan.

"Right uppercut, Ethan. A right hook is a-" Cal stopped as an alarm went off. "Dinner time. I hope you're hungry, Nibbles, because I made your favourite."

Ethan wasn't hungry at all, but he felt a surge of gratitude at Cal's words. A few days ago, Cal hadn't been able to make a cup of tea without forgetting what he was doing and now he'd taken on a whole dinner? Just for Ethan?

Cal looked slightly embarrassed. "I know you're going through a difficult time and I just thought I should help you out, okay?"

"Thank you, I appreciate it, but it's a lot more than I deserve after the way I spoke to you this morning," said Ethan.

"No, you did me a favour," said Cal. "You made me see how stupid and selfish I was being. No wonder you're struggling at work if you're spending the whole time worrying about me falling apart. And no wonder you had problems today after I kept you up all night." His jaw was set and determined. "But things are going to be different now, Ethan. I'm going back to work tomorrow and I'm going to look after you."


	17. Chapter 17

**ETWentHome** , thank you so much for your kind review. I'm writing the chapters where Cal supports Ethan at the moment - I'm finding them quite difficult to write, but I hope to be able to post them soon.

 **Tato Potato** , thank you for your review - I really appreciate your kind words. I'm enjoying writing about supportive Cal - it's a bit of a new experience for me! I'm so happy you enjoyed the chapter.

 **Becs2202** , Cal took his time about it as usual, but he got there in the end. He should try doing it more often - it seems to go down well with the ladies if these reviews are anything to go by! Thank you very much for your review.

 **CBloom2** , thank you for your review - I really appreciate it and I'm happy you like supportive Cal. Yes, Cal is on the case, but will he do a good job of it or will he mess up as usual?

 **Tanith Panic** , I think I'm probably about the same height as Cal... if I wear six-inch heels and a massive fascinator! Thank you so much for your lovely review. I love writing about the brotherly relationship and I'm really happy you like the way I do it.

 **is-there-somewhere-x** , thank you so much for your review. I'm happy you liked the brotherly moments and the new, improved Cal! I do like (writing about) a good argument, but I like it best when they're being nice to each other.

* * *

Ethan looked at him doubtfully. It was true that Cal seemed much better and had coped well ever since Ethan had got home, but that didn't change what he'd done this morning and yesterday.

"I'm serious," said Cal. "I'm going to help you through this."

"Are you sure you'll be okay?" said Ethan.

"I'll be fine," said Cal. "She's just a girl. I can find another girl easily enough if I want one. But at the moment, I don't."

Ethan gave him a sympathetic look. "That's understandable after what's happened. And probably for the best."

Cal sighed. "Maybe. Anyway, let's go and eat and then you can tell me what happened today."

* * *

Ethan sat at the table and waited for Cal to bring the food out. Some of it shouldn't have been cooked in the oven and he'd got one of the vegetables wrong, but Ethan decided not to say anything. "It looks lovely, Cal. Thank you for making it." He smiled at his brother.

"I hope you enjoy it," said Cal.

"I'm sure I will." Ethan couldn't quite imagine enjoying anything, but the food tasted good. He realised he hadn't eaten properly since breakfast and wondered for a moment if that had affected him, but he knew that wasn't the whole problem. He was having confidence issues and he needed to face them.

When they'd finished eating, Cal made more tea and Ethan told him about panicking and needing Zoe to help him with a procedure he'd done on his own lots of times. "I just feel stupid, Cal. So stupid."

"Hey, there's no need for that! Stupid is the last thing you are." Cal put his arm around Ethan. "It wasn't you who drank lots of beer on an empty stomach and then went to a prison and demanded to be let in."

Ethan was starting to feel teary again. "But that was because something bad happened to you. I just failed to do my job properly."

"Ethan, you mustn't think that!" said Cal. "Of course you did your job properly. The thing is, our job is about saving lives, but we can't always do it. It's impossible. And we can't always make the right decisions because every case is different. Often there isn't a right decision anyway because every decision would lead to the same thing. I know it's hard. I've lost patients after making a decision like that and it's devastating. It does take a while to get over it. But you're strong, Ethan."

"I don't know if I'm strong enough," admitted Ethan.

"Well, _I've_ got over things like that," said Cal. "And everyone knows you're much stronger than me."

Ethan shook his head. "I don't feel strong. Not at all." He gave a sudden sob. "I don't know what I'm going to do, Cal."

Cal stroked Ethan's arm. "I'll tell you what you're going to do. You're going to get an early night and wake up tomorrow feeling a bit better. Then we're going to go to work together and I'll look after you. I'll supervise you and give you lots of feedback and you can get as annoyed with me as you like."

Ethan shook his head, but he couldn't help smiling a little. "I do appreciate it, Cal, but are you sure you're ready to go back to work?"

"Completely ready," said Cal. "I never should have taken a day off in the first place. I was just being stupid. But I'm not going to be stupid anymore. I'm going to look after you for a change and we're going to get through this. Together."

Ethan bit his lip as he remembered what Zoe had said to him. He knew he had to tell Cal what he'd done, but he was sure Cal would be angry and he didn't think he could cope with an angry Cal at the moment. On the other hand, if he kept quiet…

"Hey, what is it?" Cal leaned round, trying to see into Ethan's face. "Come on, Nibbles. There's nothing you can't tell me. I'm your big brother! A new and improved version."

"I… I told Zoe today," said Ethan unsteadily. "About your problems. I'm sorry: I know I shouldn't have done. I was just upset and Zoe asked me what was wrong and the words ended up coming out… I'm sorry, Cal."

Cal looked momentarily annoyed, but then his face softened and he held Ethan more tightly. "It's okay. You must have been really worried and you needed to talk to someone. If I'd been behaving like a reasonable human being..."

"Your behaviour was reasonable," said Ethan. He felt as though he could afford to be a little bit generous. "You're really hurting and you need someone to support you and I wasn't doing a very good job of it."

Cal looked shocked. "Ethan, you did a brilliant job. You looked after me when I was drunk; you came and picked me up from the prison… you didn't have to do any of that, but you did."

"But you could probably tell I wasn't completely focused on you," said Ethan.

Cal held up his hand. "Okay, I've got a deal for you. You stop blaming yourself for the things I did and I'll think about stopping blaming myself too. Okay? How does that sound?"

Ethan gave a shaky smile. "Okay, I'll try. But… but I've actually got more to tell you. And you won't like it."

"I'm a big boy," said Cal. "I should be used to hearing things I don't like."

Ethan took a breath for courage. "Um… well… it's about going back to work tomorrow."

"Do you need to take a day off?" said Cal. "That's fine, Ethan. Then you can have a proper rest."

"No, that's not what I mean," said Ethan uncomfortably. "I can go back to work tomorrow. But you can't."

Cal looked confused, then a look of horror came into his eyes. The hand in his lap clenched and unclenched and Ethan could feel the stiffening in the arm that lay across his shoulders. "I've been sacked?" said Cal in disbelief, his voice shaking.

"No, no, of course not!" said Ethan, annoyed with himself for making it sound like that, and he felt Cal sagging against him in relief. "Nothing like that. Well, not really like that. I just mean Zoe's signed you off work."

"Then I'll go and see her and tell her to un-sign me off work," said Cal.

Ethan looked at him warily. "You're not annoyed with me?"

Cal gave a reluctant smile. "Well, I'm a little bit annoyed I'll have to spend time convincing Zoe I'm fit for work when I should be looking after you. But considering how I've behaved lately, I've probably got off quite lightly."


	18. Chapter 18

**ETWentHome** , thank you so much for your review. It's a bit of a new experience for me, writing about Cal supporting Ethan instead of the other way round! I'm glad I'm doing okay with it.

 **Tanith Panic** , well, it wouldn't be the first time Cal has done the wrong thing! Especially not in my fics. Thank you for your review! I hope you enjoy Chapter 18.

 **Becs2202** , thank you very much - that's really kind of you. I would love to see Cal being supportive in the show too - and he might get his chance with the whole Honey/Lily situation.

 **Tato Potato** , I was thinking that would be fairly typical of Cal - he either thinks problems are much bigger than they are or he acts like they're just not a problem at all! Thank you for your review.

 **smish123** , thank you for your review. It is sad writing about Cal when he's all heartbroken and depressed. The next few chapters focus a bit more on Ethan, but I won't forget about Cal. I don't think I could!

* * *

Ethan woke up the next day to find breakfast already on the table. During breakfast, Cal gave him lots of advice about taking deep breaths if he felt panicky and reassured him he wouldn't leave him. After breakfast, Cal drove Ethan to work and noticed straight away when Ethan felt the usual panic on entering the car park.

"It's okay, Nibbles," said Cal. He held out his arms. "Come here for a minute."

Ethan had a quick look outside to make sure no-one was watching and let Cal hug him.

"You're shaking," said Cal, surprised but sympathetic. He gave Ethan's back a rub. "It's okay. You're going to be fine and I'll be right there. If you need to take a break, you can take a break. I won't be able to go with you if we're in the middle of dealing with a patient, but I'll come and find you as soon as I can."

"I feel so stupid," said Ethan, and felt even more stupid when he heard his voice shaking.

"You're not stupid," said Cal. "You're having a few problems at the moment and that happens to everyone, but you wouldn't be a doctor if you were stupid. It's just a very emotional job, Ethan. Everyone's going to struggle sometimes." He pulled Ethan closer. "It's going to be okay."

"You won't leave me?" Ethan said into Cal's shoulder.

"Of course I won't l- well, actually, I do need to speak to Zoe about un-signing me off, but there's no reason why you shouldn't come with me," said Cal. He smiled. "But if I need a poo you'll have to wait outside."

Ethan managed a shaky laugh. "I think I'd rather wait outside, thanks."

"Good," said Cal. He let go of Ethan. "Let's breathe for a bit before we go inside. Okay?"

"I'd rather _not_ breathe and _not_ have to go inside," said Ethan.

Cal laughed. "I know, Ethan, but I also know you can do this. And I think you know that too or you wouldn't be making jokes about it. Besides, if you don't breathe, I'll resuscitate you and take you in on a trolley and that will be much more embarrassing."

Ethan smiled a bit as he admitted to himself that Cal was right. After a minute or two of slow, calming breathing, Cal asked Ethan if he was ready to go inside and Ethan nodded.

He was still very worried, but it helped to have his big brother next to him. A few people spoke to them on the way in, but Cal did all the talking and Ethan didn't mind because he knew it was Cal they wanted to speak to anyway. Once they'd got changed, they both went to see Zoe, who smiled warmly at Ethan, only to look surprised when she saw who was accompanying him.

"Cal? I wasn't expecting you back," said Zoe.

Cal smiled. "There's nothing like signing a guy off to make him decide he's better."

Zoe invited them both into her office and shut the door behind them. Then she sat opposite them and gave Cal a long, appraising look. "I am very glad to see you back, Cal, but are you sure you're ready for this?"

"Yes, I think so," said Cal. "I just needed a bit of a kick up the backside. You and Ethan between you managed that, so now I'm back and I'm fine."

Zoe gave Cal a slightly apologetic look. "I know this probably sounds really disrespectful, but would you mind if I asked Ethan for his opinion?"

"No, not at all," said Cal.

Ethan knew he was lying, but the fact he'd accepted Zoe's words so calmly showed how much better Cal was feeling. "I don't think we can really know for certain until Cal's working, but he's been fine ever since I got home yesterday." He ducked his head a little bit, embarrassed but determined to get the words out. "Actually, he's been brilliant and I don't think I could have made it into work without him."

"I'm sure that's not true, but I'm glad I've helped," said Cal.

Zoe was looking slightly freaked out. "Well, it is a bit weird seeing you being so supportive of each other, but I'm looking forward to getting used to it."

"So am I!" said Cal, and gave Ethan a quick hug.

Zoe looked very freaked out then.

"But I would like to talk about this supervision thing," said Cal as he let go of Ethan. "I don't think it's helping."

Ethan wished Cal was still holding him. "But you said you'd supervise me! I can't do it on my own, Caleb. What if I mess up again?"

"Of course I'll be with you, Ethan, but I think the supervision is making it harder," said Cal. "It's like you're punishing him when he's done nothing wrong. He made a decision that turned out badly, but for all you know, the other decision could have been even worse. The patient could have died even if Ethan had stayed and the relative might have attacked Robyn again if Ethan hadn't been with her."

"Yes, of course that could have happened," said Zoe. She looked at Ethan. "We're not blaming you for anything. Ethan. What happened to the patient wasn't your fault and it would have happened even if you'd been in the room. There was nothing you could have done." She looked concerned. "I thought I explained that to you."

Ethan tried to remember. He knew that he'd been taken to Zoe's office some time after the incident and that she'd spoken to him, but it was all a blur. The only bit he remembered was that he was going to be supervised. "I'm sorry, Zoe. I don't remember much about what happened afterwards."

"Oh, that's my fault," said Zoe. "You probably weren't in any condition to take in what I was saying so soon after it had happened. I should have spoken to you again the next day. I'm sorry, Ethan."

"But why is he being supervised if you don't blame him for anything?" broke in Cal. "You can't think he's a bad doctor. You know how brilliant he is. If Ethan's a bad doctor, why am I even still here?"

"Of course Ethan's not a bad doctor!" Zoe's voice rang with certainty. "Ethan, look at me."

Ethan reluctantly lifted his head.

"You're not a bad doctor, Ethan. You've always been a good doctor and you're getting better all the time."

"Then why the supervision?" said Cal impatiently.

"We're just concerned about Ethan's confidence and assertiveness," said Zoe. "Our job does mean dealing with the public and Ethan seems to be struggling with that at the moment. I'm really concerned that another incident like that could affect Ethan's confidence in medical situations too. I just thought that if I worked with him for a little while, he could deal with the patients with my support and know I'll be ready to step in if something goes wrong. Unfortunately, Ethan's confidence was more severely knocked than I realised, so for the moment, I'm dealing with the patients and Ethan is observing."

Ethan looked at the floor and felt so stupid.

Then he felt Cal taking his hand. "Ethan, you can do this. I know you can. But we'll be doing this together from now on. It's okay to be scared, but I know you won't be scared forever. You can get back to where you were and then once you've done that, you can be even better than you were."

"Cal can just talk to people," said Ethan. His eyes filled with tears and he blinked, hoping Zoe and Cal wouldn't notice. "I can't."

Cal squeezed his hand. "I'm not as shy as you, but that doesn't mean I always say the right thing. All doctors say the wrong thing sometimes. The important thing is we keep on trying to do our best. Even when it goes wrong and we end up feeling awful."

Ethan digested this. Then he asked in a small voice: "Do you ever feel awful?"

"All the time," said Cal. "Sometimes I can just dismiss it, but other times, it stays with me. Do you remember when I had that migraine a few weeks ago?"

"The migraine that was really a hangover?"

Cal shook his head. "No, the migraine that I let you think was a hangover but was actually me feeling devastated over something I'd said to a patient."

Ethan touched his arm. "I'm sorry you couldn't tell me how bad you felt." He paused. "Will you tell me next time?"

Cal hesitated, then nodded. "Of course. And one day – I'm not sure it's a good idea now – I'll tell you what happened when I first met Taylor. I said a few of the wrong things then, didn't I, Zoe?"

"I've never been so embarrassed in my whole career," said Zoe with feeling. She paused. "Except by some of the things I've done."

"You see? Even Zoe gets it wrong sometimes," said Cal. "And Dylan and Lily are always offending patients. I know Lily's only a junior doctor, but Dylan's a lot older than you. And unlike Zoe, he actually looks it."

"Yes, Cal, thank you for saying I'm a lot older than Ethan," said Zoe. "It's ten years, not twenty!"

Cal grimaced. "Sorry. You see, Ethan? I just said the wrong thing. I tried to pay Zoe a compliment, but I ended up saying she was old – which she's not. I feel pretty awful, but I'll get over it." He smiled at Ethan. "And so will you. If you need to say something to a patient, it's better to say it. It can be difficult sometimes, but I know you can do it and I'm going to stay with you with it till you've proved it to yourself. Because you don't need to prove it to anyone else."


	19. Chapter 19

**ETWentHome** , thank you for you review - I'm really happy you liked the update. It's been nice to write a chapter where everyone is working together so well. There's not much of that in my writing!

 **Gillian Kearney Fan** , I'm really happy you liked the Number 2 joke - it's always really nice to know when a joke works. I'm glad you like Caring Cal - he's in this chapter too! Thank you for your review.

 **CBloom2** , thank you for your review. I love supportive Cal too. I think he does have this side to his personality - the problem is that Ethan doesn't usually see much of it! But he's trying to make up for that now.

 **Tato Potato** , thank you for your review. I really appreciate it and I think Cal would too! There will be more understanding Cal in this chapter (and the next and almost certainly the next!) so I really hope you won't get fed up with him!

 **Tanith Panic** , I'm glad the supervision makes sense. At the start of the story, I wasn't really sure why Ethan was being supervised or how it all worked, which is always a danger in writing - much better to sort things out beforehand! Thank you for your review.

* * *

Cal thought Ethan was managing very well. They'd only worked in cubicles so far and none of the patients had been difficult, but Ethan was doing fine. He was a little bit shy and some of his jokes didn't quite work, but that was just Ethan. Some patients found him a bit odd, but others adored him - and most were too focused on their illnesses and injuries to worry too much about the doctor.

One outspoken young patient had asked why Cal and Ethan were working together when they were both registrars, but Cal was ready for that. "We all have to assess each other sometimes. Not all the time because it does leave us one doctor short, but it's an important part of our development – the assessing and the being assessed." He smiled. "I bet Dr Hardy will have lots of complaints about me. He usually does!"

"You'll have to wait and see, Dr Knight," said Ethan.

Cal pretended to be scared. "That doesn't sound good, does it?"

"Have you got any complaints about Dr Hardy?" said the patient.

"I would like to say yes," said Cal, "but unfortunately he's done really well. As usual." He smiled at Ethan. Once the patient had gone, he reiterated his words. "I did mean it. You are doing really well."

"I hope so," said Ethan uncertainly.

"Of course you are!" said Cal.

Cal just wished he could say the same about himself. Outwardly, he knew he was fine. He didn't think even Ethan had any idea of how he was feeling. But they'd only been there for half an hour and he was exhausted. He'd also felt like crying when he'd heard Rita speaking to a patient with the surname of Taylor, but he didn't think Ethan had heard what Rita had said or seen Cal's reaction.

He knew he couldn't worry about his own problems now. They weren't relevant and he'd had more than enough time to get over them. It was all about Ethan now.

* * *

Ethan didn't usually count the minutes to his break. He often forgot to take a break at all. But even though Cal was being kind and supportive, in an unobtrusive way that none of the patients seemed to have noticed, he felt ready to scream from the tension.

Everything had gone well so far, but that was part of the problem. Even though Ethan was dreading something going wrong, he also wanted it to happen so it could be out of the way. There was nothing worse than knowing it could happen at any time, but not knowing exactly when.

"Are you okay?" Cal asked when they were between patients. "You look a bit tense."

Ethan opened his mouth to say he was fine, but instead blurted out his real feelings. "I can't do this."

Cal put his arms around him, regardless of the fact a patient or colleague could see them. "You can do it, Ethan. You've been doing it ever since you got here. It's going to be all right."

Ethan listened to Cal's words and nodded, but he couldn't believe them.

"You'll be fine!" said Cal. He held Ethan away from him and tried to look into Ethan's face, but he kept his gaze on the ground. "Ethan. It's okay. Look at me."

Ethan lifted his head.

"If you feel like you're panicking, just take a moment and breathe," said Cal. "Can you do that for me now, Ethan?"

"Okay," whispered Ethan, more because he couldn't bear to disappoint Cal than because he believed it would do any good. After a few breaths, Cal patted him on the shoulder and released him.

"Time for our next patient, Ethan. You can do the talking."

 _No!_ thought Ethan, but he said nothing. He followed Cal to the waiting room, called for the next patient and took her into the cubicle.

He knew immediately that the patient was going to be difficult. As soon as she saw the two doctors, she started complaining about the long wait. Ethan turned to Cal in a panic. Cal gave the patient a quick apology for the delay and put his hand on Ethan's arm. "Dr Hardy, could you go on ahead and check the cubicle's ready? Thanks."

Ethan knew that Cal meant for him to get him _self_ ready, but he didn't know how he was going to do that. He went into the cubicle, had a look around and then stood tensely, waiting.

The patient was young, rather beautiful if you liked that sort of thing, and took an instant liking to Cal. Cal responded at once, but Ethan could see he was just going through the motions. He was saying all the right things and smiling in the right places, but his eyes still looked sad.

Before long, it was clear that Cal and not Ethan was going to be doing the talking.

Ethan was glad. He usually felt uncomfortable when Cal turned on the charm. It was inappropriate; it was embarrassing; and it made him aware of his own shortcomings in that department. But now, he was glad of the chance to switch off and pretend he was somewhere else.

"…Lofty?" said Cal.

Ethan jumped. He was sure he wasn't called Lofty. "Did you say something, Dr Knight?"

Cal smiled at him reassuringly. "Yes… once I finished saying all the things you were thoughtfully trying not to listen to, I asked if you could go and find Robyn or Lofty to take some bloods."

"Why don't I do it as I'm here?" said Ethan tensely.

"Sure. That would be great if you don't mind," said Cal. Ethan went to get everything ready, glad of the chance to escape. He was almost back at the cubicle when Louise called his name.

"Dr Hardy, are you treating Melanie Sturgess?"

For a horrible, terrifying moment, Ethan's mind was blank. But then it came back to him. "Yes. Yes, I am."

"This is Melanie's husband, Rob. He'd like to see her," Louise said briefly and left them.

Ethan looked up at Rob. The man was close to a foot taller than Ethan so he had to look quite a long way up. "Husband?" he almost squeaked. Apart from the fact Melanie called herself Miss, she certainly hadn't behaved like a married woman.

"Yeah. She's mine. So back off, four-eyes." Rob gave him a contemptuous look. "All you doctors with your salaries and your big cars and your swanky houses, you think you can have anything you want. But you can't have her. Get it?"

"N-n-no: you don't understand: I don't want her!" said Ethan.

Rob bent down, his face close to Ethan's. "Don't you say things like that about my wife."

"i-I-I didn't mean to say anything," stammered Ethan.

"Which cubicle?" said Rob.

Ethan was filled with panic. When he'd left the cubicle, Cal had been stroking Melanie's arm. Ethan knew this was just to offer comfort. She'd just said she was: "not _overly_ keen on needles, if you know what I mean… it's the 'little prick' part that gets me every time. I just don't like little pricks."

Ethan had moved out of earshot before Cal had made his standard response to 'little prick' comments, but he didn't want Rob to go in there and see what his wife - if she was his wife - was doing. He was afraid of what he might do to Cal. Ethan usually had little sympathy when Cal started going after married women, but Cal hadn't known she was married – and it wasn't as though he was getting any enjoyment from it. Not this time.

"Are you going to tell me which cubicle?" said Rob. "Or am I going to have to rip every single curtain open till I find her?"

Ethan looked round in a panic. He couldn't see Max or anyone else who could deal with this. There was only Ethan.

Panic rose up inside him and he began to shake. The equipment he was holding fell to the floor with a crash. Rob was speaking again, but Ethan couldn't understand the words. Then he heard Cal's voice too, equally indistinct as Ethan stood frozen. A hand touched his arm. Ethan wasn't sure whose arm it was, but he shoved it away and heard a grunt as someone fell on the floor. Then Ethan regained the power to move, and he used it. He turned and ran and didn't stop till he was out of the hospital.


	20. Chapter 20

**Tato Potato** , thank you for your review. I agree Ethan shouldn't have to deal with people like that - he really is unlucky at the moment!

 **TheAtomicCheesepuff** , thank you for your review - I hope you enjoy the update! It's lovely that Ethan has so much sympathy.

 **CBloom2** , Ethan really does need to get a handle on his panic - it's a good thing Cal is there and he's in such a caring mood! Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , I wanted to make Rob really obnoxious so it's good to know I've succeeded! I didn't think he had the brainpower to think of a more creative way of insulting Ethan. Thank you for your review - I would say there are at least five or six more chapters.

* * *

All Cal wanted was to follow Ethan. He wanted to run after him and hold him and tell him it wasn't his fault. It was Cal's fault for messing up again and not realising what Ethan needed.

But he couldn't. He had to stay and help the patient - or he would do once he'd dealt with this complete loser.

Cal got to his feet and smiled at the guy, though he really wanted to punch him for what his behaviour had done to Ethan. "Sorry about that." He realised he sounded almost convincing and felt a bit disloyal.

"Was he a real doctor?" The guy was staring after Ethan in disbelief.

"Of course he's a real doctor!" said Cal angrily, but there was a lump in his throat simply because the guy had to ask. "He's the best doctor in the whole hospital. But it upsets him when people like you shout at him and make threats. That's something no doctor should ever have to deal with."

"Rob? What are you doing here? How did you know I was here?" Melanie was peeping around the curtain, her face pale. "Oh my God, what have you done now?"

"Nothing!" said Rob. He sounded a bit shocked. "I just asked where my wife was and that idiot completely lost it. Stood there stammering like an idiot and when this guy tried to help him, he knocked him over."

 _Wife_? thought Cal. He was actually quite relieved to hear it as he didn't have any interest in Melanie and had actually been quite horrified when he'd started flirting on auto-pilot without his brain's consent. Once he'd started, he didn't see how he could stop.

"Right. Okay," said Cal. "Melanie, could you come back into the cubicle for a moment, please?" He turned to the husband. "And if you wouldn't mind waiting? It's standard procedure."

To his relief, Rob made no further objections. In a weird way, Cal thought Ethan's behaviour had silenced him much more effectively than asking him to calm down would have done, but he still wished it hadn't happened. Ethan was out there right now, suffering. Blaming himself. Just because he couldn't deal with a situation that would be too much for a lot of doctors.

Cal tried not to rush, but it was impossible to slow down when he was so worried about his brother. He did his best to listen and focus as Melanie told him Rob was her ex-husband and she didn't want him in the hospital. Cal couldn't be sure if the first part was true or not, but he made the necessary arrangements for Rob to be escorted from the premises – which was perfectly reasonable considering the way he'd spoken to Ethan. Once that was done, Cal found Lofty and asked him to take the bloods, also explaining the patient's aversion to needles and telling him to watch out for jealous husbands. Then he almost ran out of the cubicle and out of the hospital in the direction Ethan had taken.

He knew Ethan could be anywhere. He would have got into the car if he could, but Cal knew he'd locked the door because Ethan had made him check. It was possible Ethan had gone back into the ED, but he could also have kept on running. In any direction.

Cal's chest tightened with anxiety as he scanned the car park. Ethan could be literally anywhere. Cal stood with his hands in his hair, not fighting the panic at first, but then he realised he had to be sensible. Ethan would want safety so the car was the obvious place for him to go, but if he realised he couldn't get in, he'd probably either return to the ED and take refuge there or stay with the car until he felt ready to go back inside.

Having made this decision, Cal went over to the car, but when he heard someone crying, he couldn't really describe the resulting emotion as relief. Cal ran around to the other side of the car and threw himself down beside Ethan, who was sitting with his head buried in his knees.

"Ethan, it's okay." Cal's voice was choked as he put his arms around his brother. "It's not your fault. It was my fault for not looking after you properly."

"I shouldn't need you to look after me properly!" sobbed Ethan. "I just can't do it, Cal. I'm useless."

Cal lifted Ethan's head and guided it onto his shoulder. "You're not useless, Ethan. You're a great doctor. More than great. I've been working with you all day and you've been brilliant. You've made diagnoses; you've given the correct treatment: I couldn't have asked any more of you. You don't really need me there - but don't worry. I'm not leaving you."

"But there's more to being a doctor than treating symptoms and making diagnoses," wept Ethan. "You have to talk to the patients too. And I can't do it, Cal. I've never been able to do it. I pretended I could. I convinced myself I could deal with anything. I told myself I was unflappable. But I'm not. I never was."

"Of course you are!" said Cal. "You've always been able to deal with anything. I'm the one who falls apart."

"Really?" said Ethan. Despite everything, there was a hint of humour creeping through his tears.

Cal was relieved to hear it, though he knew Ethan was a long way from being all right. "Yes, you are. There's only one thing you have trouble with. Aggressive patients. I'm usually pretty good with those, but I have problems with all kinds of other things. I've never been unflappable. I go around telling everyone I can deal with anything, but I don't think anyone believes me."

Ethan sniffed. "I believe you."

Cal knew he was lying, but he was touched. "That makes one of us. I can't even deal with looking after you properly! But we're not talking about me. We're talking about you and what I'm saying is you're a great doctor and you can learn to deal with this. I'm sure you would have dealt with it if I'd looked after you like I promised." He rubbed Ethan's back. "So when you're ready, we're going to go back in there and I'm going to look after you properly. Okay?"

"I can't," said Ethan, his shoulders shaking again.

"Yes, you can," said Cal. "I know you can."

"No, I can't!" said Ethan, raising his voice slightly, but then some of the tension drained out of him and he sagged into Cal's arms. "Yes, I can. I don't know how I'm going to do it, but there are people in there who need me. I don't have a choice. I've got to go back in. So I will go back in and I'll deal with it." He lifted his head and his red eyes met Cal's. "If you're there with me."

Cal stared at him in amazement – and pride. He hugged Ethan more tightly. "Of course I'll be there, Ethan. Of course I will."


	21. Chapter 21

**Gillian Kearney Fan** , thank you for your review - and the good news is caring Cal isn't going anywhere in this next chapter.

 **Tato Potato** , thank you so much for your kind words. I really appreciate them. Lots more brotherly love to come!

 **TheAtomicCheesepuff** , I love Cal no matter what, but you're right: there is definitely something amazing about caring Cal! Thank you for your review.

 **Becs2202** , thank you for your review - and for mentioning that they were supporting each other. I'm really happy you noticed that Ethan was watching out for Cal a bit too.

 **Tanith Panic** , I love hugs too! And there are more in this chapter. Maybe Cal should tell Ethan he's the best doctor in the hospital! Thank you for your review.

* * *

Ethan finished drying his eyes and put his glasses back on. "How do I look?"

"Absolutely terrible," said Cal with a smile to show he didn't mean it. "But not really any worse than usual."

"I don't want the whole hospital to see I've been crying," said Ethan with a slight catch in his voice.

Cal stroked his arm. "Then don't start again! But it's okay. You look fine. I can sneak you in through the fire exit if you like - then you can wash your face before anyone sees you - but there's no need."

"I think I'd like to go in through the fire exit," said Ethan with a sniff. "Unless it's going to set the alarm off."

Cal thought and shook his head. "I don't think so. I went out that way once when I was hiding from Mrs Beauchamp and I'm sure it didn't set any alarms off."

Ethan wiped his nose. "Why were you hiding from Mrs Beauchamp?"

"Um... I'll tell you at lunchtime if you like," said Cal. That story was going to need editing if he wanted to avoid a brotherly lecture. "It can be like a reward for getting through half the day." He patted Ethan's arm. "Are you ready to go in then?"

Ethan nodded and Cal took him to the fire exit. Cal entered the ED by a more conventional route, and only narrowly avoided crashing into Connie.

"Dr Knight. Care to tell me what you were doing out in the car park? It's too early for your lunchbreak, surely?"

"I was comforting a distressed relative," said Cal. There was no need to mention that it was _his_ distressed relative.

Some of the annoyance on Connie's face faded. "Where is the distressed relative now?"

"Still out there," said Cal. "Lofty's with the patient now, taking some bloods."

Connie nodded. "And where is Dr Hardy? I understood you were working together today."

Cal decided to stick with the truth. "He stayed outside."

"With the relative: I see," said Connie, nodding. "Well, if the two of you have it under control, I'll leave it in Dr Hardy's capable hands."

Cal flinched a little bit at that, especially as this was one of the very few times when he probably was more capable than Ethan, but he thought it was better to say nothing.

* * *

Ethan put his glasses on and looked in the mirror. It still seemed obvious to him that he'd been crying, but he thought there was a good chance their patients wouldn't notice.

"You look fine," said Cal. "If I was anyone other than me, I might even be jealous."

Ethan managed a small smile, more to make Cal happy than because he felt like smiling. "Thanks, Cal. For being here for me."

"What are big brothers for?" said Cal.

Ethan's smile faltered as he thought about what could be awaiting them outside. "I don't know if I can do this."

"Of course you can do it," said Cal, and hugged him.

"Yes. I can do it," said Ethan mechanically. He still didn't know how, but he knew he had to manage somehow. For Cal as well as for the patients. He knew Cal would blame himself if something went wrong again and he didn't want that. Cal was a great doctor and (as it turned out) a great brother, but as usual he was trying to be a superhero and on this occasion that meant blaming himself for Ethan's mistakes.

They sprang apart as someone entered the loos. Cal immediately started doing his hair in the mirror. Ethan hesitated and did the same thing.

"I took the bloods and sent the patient back to the waiting room," said Lofty.

"That's great. Thanks, Lofty," said Cal.

Lofty came a bit closer and watched the brother doing their hair. "Are you two okay?"

Ethan met his eyes in the mirror. Lofty was one of the most understanding people in the ED, but Ethan had already decided he didn't want anyone but Cal and Zoe to know there was something wrong.

"I'm okay," said Cal. "I don't know what's up with Ethan. I think he's making fun of me for doing my hair all the time. But he's just as bad as me. He takes ages in the bathroom every morning putting every hair in place."

"Yes, but my hair stays there," said Ethan. His voice sounded almost normal. "It doesn't need checking and re-doing fifteen times a day."

Lofty leaned against one of the sinks and smiled. "Hair can be annoying. I went through a stage of straightening my hair once. It took ages. Then sometimes I'd have to do it all over again when I got to school because it rained and that made it curl again. I tried all kinds of different straighteners, but none of them-"

He broke off as Max entered. "Sorry, I thought this was the gents'."

Cal gave him a funny look. "This is the gents'."

"Is it?" said Max. "I must have got confused by your topic of conversation."

Lofty looked embarrassed.

He paused. "Though I actually do have a question about hair I wanted to ask you. Not the hair on my head, though. The hair on my-"

"I'm very sorry, but we really have to go now," said Ethan, and left in a hurry with an amused Cal right behind him.

* * *

Cal squeezed Ethan's arm as the patient left the cubicle. "Well done, Nibbles," he said.

"Thanks, but I would rather you didn't call me that in public," said Ethan.

Cal was quite pleased with this response. He'd called Ethan' Nibbles, after every patient so far, but this was the first time Ethan had objected. "Are you ready for the next patient, _Dr Hardy_?"

A look of fear came into Ethan's eyes, but then he nodded.

"Do you think you could do the talking?" said Cal. "I'll be right here."

Ethan looked even more frightened. "Okay."

Cal pulled him into a hug. "You can do this. I know you can."

"I hope so," said Ethan.

Cal hoped so too, but he kept his voice confident. "You can do it, Ethan."

They went out to the waiting room together and Ethan called for the patient. "Stella Thomas." His voice trembled slightly, but it was clear and the patient heard him. "This way, Miss Thomas."

She looked at them both and stopped uncertainly. "Can't I see a lady doctor?"

Cal started to answer, but he realised Ethan was speaking too and quickly stopped.

"Is your problem of a personal nature?" said Ethan. He went a bit pink presumably contemplating various personal feminine problems, but he kept his voice steady and met the patient's eyes with some pretence of confidence.

Stella Thomas hesitated. "Not exactly. But the last time I came in, it wasn't personal, but the doctor still asked me about… stuff." Stella looked even more embarrassed than Ethan.

Ethan froze. Cal felt a bit panicky too as he wondered how to help Ethan, but then he saw Big Mac coming their way with a wheelchair and put his hand on Ethan's back. "Sorry, Ethan. We're in the way a bit here." They weren't really in the way, but he wanted to give Ethan a bit of support without making it too obvious. He kept his hand on Ethan's back for a couple of seconds more than he needed to.

Some of the rigidity left Ethan's body. "We could always talk about what you want to talk about and then if it does seem to be getting too personal, Dr Knight can go and find a female nurse?" he suggested.

"Hey! Why me?" said Cal.

"Because I'm the lead doctor," said Ethan. "And when it comes to finding females of any description, Dr Knight is the best."


	22. Chapter 22

**Tato Potato** , it was probably too sassy for Ethan and a bit tactless considering the situation with Taylor, but I couldn't resist! Thank you for your review. I'm happy you liked the chapter.

 **ETWentHome** , I don't mind how many times you say it! I'm just really happy you're enjoying it. More brotherly support to come in this chapter. Thank you for your review.

* * *

Cal smiled as he handed Ethan a large mug of tea with cream on top.

"Cream?" said Ethan, trying not to sound too doubtful.

"We're celebrating," said Cal. "We got through the first day of the rest of our lives. I didn't think you'd want champagne, but we do have cream."

Ethan decided not to say that he was saving the cream for a carbonara. Cal had meant well and the last thing Ethan wanted was an argument. "Thanks, Cal. And not just for the tea. I couldn't have got through today without you."

"But soon you'll be getting through the day so well, all you'll want is for me to go away and leave you alone," said Cal. He sat beside Ethan and patted his shoulder.

Ethan had a mouthful of cream, made a face, and decided it wasn't really all that bad. "It's lovely."

"You deserve it, Ethan. I'm proud of you, little brother."

Ethan smiled. "Thanks. And I'm proud of you."

Cal smiled too. He looked nearly as tired as Ethan felt.

"How are you?" said Ethan.

"I'm f-" Cal stopped and began to laugh.

"What?" said Ethan.

"You've got cream on your nose," said Cal.

Ethan had a closer look at his brother. "Well, you've got cream on your eyebrow! I don't know how you managed that."

"I'll get some tissues," said Cal. He put his drink on the floor and stood up, but Ethan caught his wrist.

"It's okay. I've got some. I knew I wasn't going to get through today without crying so I'm very prepared."

Cal's smile faded and he looked sad. "You only cried properly once," he reminded his brother.

"Yes, for about fifteen minutes!" said Ethan.

"That's okay," said Cal. "It made you feel better."

Ethan nodded. "I suppose it did. But you helped too." He gave Cal a tissue and watched him try to wipe the cream away. "No, Cal, that's the wrong eyebrow. No, other side. Oh, give it to me." He wiped Cal's eyebrow for him.

"Now I'll do your nose," said Cal.

Ethan was sure he could manage – he only had one nose, after all – but he gave Cal the tissue.

"How many times have I wiped your nose for you?" said Cal as he carefully cleaned Ethan's nose.

"Probably only once in the last ten years," said Ethan. "Including this time. And I hope only once in the last twenty years."

Cal's eyes were sparkling with mischief. "Oh, it was more than once in the last twenty years. Would you like me to remind you?"

"No, thank you," said Ethan.

"Okay. I'll save the story for when we have guests," said Cal.

Ethan surprised himself by laughing a little bit. "Okay, Caleb: tell me now."

"I would," said Cal, "but I need to get started on dinner. I don't want you to starve to death."

"Dinner?" Ethan tried not to view the prospect with too much trepidation. "You cooked last night, Cal."

Cal pretended to be offended (at least, Ethan hoped he was pretending). "Hey, what's wrong with my cooking? I've never had a complaint from any of my girlfriends. Even the one who ended up in the ED didn't complain that much. And the dinner I cooked for… for…" Cal's face quivered.

Ethan put his arm around Cal. "I'm sure it was lovely."

Cal nodded, but he said nothing, his gaze averted.

Ethan stroked his shoulder. "You'll get over her, Cal. I know you will."

"Of course I will." Cal's face was calm now, though his voice wasn't. "I'm going to go and start cooking."

"Finish your drink first," said Ethan.

Cal picked it up from the floor. "I'll take it with me. I really need to stat cooking now."

"Okay," said Ethan reluctantly. He was hoping Cal would stay and talk to him about the feelings Ethan knew were still inside him, but perhaps it was better not to argue. Perhaps it was better to let Cal do what he wanted and keep his mind off Taylor.

Ethan knew he wasn't over her. He just hoped supporting Ethan wasn't doing Cal more harm than good.

* * *

By the time the dinner was cooked, Cal was calm again, if slightly annoyed with himself for getting upset. He was supposed to be supporting Ethan now and he needed to forget about his own problems. He carried the plates in to Ethan, followed by two champagne glasses filled with something bubbly. "Relax, it's not champagne," he said when he saw Ethan frown. "It's just lemonade."

Ethan gave him a quick smile, but Cal could tell something was bothering him.

Cal sat down and reached out to put his hand on Ethan's wrist. "What's wrong, Nibbles?"

"I…" Ethan stopped.

"Come on, Ethan. Out with it," said Cal.

Ethan seemed hypnotised by the bubbles rising in his champagne glass. "I don't want to make a fuss about nothing."

"Of course you don't," said Cal. "But it's not nothing, so don't even think about that."

"I… I…" Ethan hesitated and cast Cal an agonised look. "I don't want to hurt you, Cal."

Cal gave a weak smile – and an equally weak joke. "Just don't pretend to love me and then steal my money and I'm sure you'll be fine."

"Don't worry: I'm definitely not going to pretend to love you," said Ethan a bit shakily, but then he faced Cal. "I just think it's a bit too soon to be celebrating. That's all."

Cal did feel a small stab of hurt, but he thought he managed to conceal it. "We're only celebrating _today_ , Ethan. Every day is tough and that means every day is worth celebrating."

"But there's so much I still haven't done," said Ethan. "So much I don't know if I'll ever be able to do."

"Ethan, you've spent most of the day dealing with patients," said Cal.

"But none of them were really difficult," said Ethan, frustration creeping into his voice.

Cal leaned forward over the table. "Melanie and Stella were difficult."

"But I didn't deal with Melanie," said Ethan. "I just ran off and cried and let you deal with it. And Stella wasn't difficult. She just needed a bit of reassurance."

"There are still some encouraging signs," said Cal. "Melanie's husband-boyfriend-whatever would have fazed most doctors and you needed to think quickly to decide how to reassure Stella."

But Ethan looked unconvinced and Cal couldn't help thinking he had a point.

* * *

Cal lay in his bed, sleepless and sad.

Ethan had gone to bed a couple of hours ago. He was exhausted and to Cal's relief he'd fallen asleep quite quickly. Cal was tired too and had gone to bed not long afterwards, but he couldn't sleep.

It was all just so difficult.

Cal didn't regret a single moment of the time he'd spent helping Ethan, but it had been a terrible strain and he didn't know how much longer he could keep going. He'd already messed up once and it terrified him to think that Ethan had left the ED and could potentially never have returned.

It was also so unlike Ethan. Cal had got upset at work on numerous occasions and had walked out of the hospital mid-shift, but Ethan wasn't like that. He was too calm; too controlled; too dedicated.

Cal wanted to believe he would keep supporting Ethan for as long as it took, but it was only one day and already he felt almost at breaking point.

 _I can't do this_ , thought Cal as he rolled onto his stomach and buried his face in his pillow. _I'm weak. I'm stupid. I can't even help my own brother. No wonder Taylor couldn't tell me I was different from the others._

He cried himself to sleep, muffling his sobs in the pillow. He didn't want Ethan to hear. Ethan needed him to be strong. Cal didn't know how he was going to manage it, but he was determined he would.


	23. Chapter 23

**ETWentHome** , thank you for your review. They do both need help, but you're right - it would take a lot to make Cal ask for help. And Ethan probably doesn't think he deserves it. Poor boys! (If I can call them boys when they're quite a bit older than me.)

 **Gillian Kearney Fan** , I'm glad you enjoyed the cream scene! I thought they needed to have a bit of fun after such a difficult day. Thank you for your review!

 **Guest** , thank you for your review and for your idea. I have the next part of the story written already, but I like your idea so I'll see if I can incorporate it in some form.

 **TheAtomicCheesepuff** , I love reading about (and watching) sad Cal too - I'm so glad it's not just me! It's good to know that I'm bringing across how much they're both struggling. Thank you for your review.

 **Tato Potato** , I'm really happy you think Cal is doing a wonderful job - I'll try to make sure Ethan is properly appreciative! Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for both your reviews. I suppose Max might have meant the hair on his chest or his arms, but I doubt it! I think it would be lovely to be treated by Cal or Ethan. I would probably die, but I'd die happy. I love your stories too!

 **is-there-somewhere-x** , thank you for your review - I'm happy you're still enjoying it. I'm sorry for the sad ending - things are a bit up and down for Cal and Ethan at the moment. But the last chapter might have a happy ending!

* * *

The next day, Ethan felt exactly the same. Terrified. Cal talked to him during breakfast, giving him advice and reassurance, and then calmed him down when they reached the hospital. It did occur to Ethan to wonder if Cal was really as okay as he seemed, but Cal insisted he was fine.

They saw Zoe not long after they arrived. She asked them both how they were and said they'd managed very well yesterday. "I'm sure you'll be fine today too, but you know there are always going to be ups and downs in this job, even when things are going well. So if either of you finds you're struggling, you can always take a break or come and find me and we'll set aside some time for a chat."

"Thanks, Zoe," said Ethan, and hoped she could tell how much he appreciated it.

* * *

They started off in cubicles. To Ethan's relief, all the patients were relatively easy to deal with and the most difficult ones were young children who had their parents with them to help keep them calm.

He was surprised when Cal told him it was time for his mid-morning break. The time had gone so quickly. They both had some coffee and Cal told Ethan how well he'd done.

"I didn't really," said Ethan.

"Of course you did," said Cal. "You coped when that girl was screaming about the cannula, didn't you?"

"She wasn't really difficult," said Ethan. "She was just terrified. She didn't make me feel like I was doing something wrong."

Cal thought for a moment. "I think most difficult people are probably terrified. Even the angry ones. Fear can manifest itself in lots of different ways."

Ethan tried not to be surprised at hearing such a profound statement from Cal. It wasn't that Cal was stupid – far from it –but it was very unusual for him and Ethan to have a conversation about a patient that didn't involve bickering or questioning Ethan's decisions. "I think you're right, but some ways of showing it are easier to deal with than others."

"Yes, but not all doctors find the same things difficult," said Cal. "You're very good with shy children, but I find them a bit worrying because I know I can be a bit insensitive, though I'm not as bad as Lily and Dylan. Some people would consider a shy child a difficult patient because it's so difficult to get them to explain what's wrong, but you usually manage to get through to them – and without offending the parents too."

"Parents do worry me a bit," admitted Ethan. "It's not easy telling someone they're not doing the best thing for their child. But I suppose I understand shy children because I was one."

Cal's smile was affectionate. "That's true – but it's also because you're a good doctor."

Ethan went back to work feeling almost happy.

* * *

Cal was often quite relieved when lunchtime arrived. Sometimes he was exhausted because of a particularly late night. Sometimes he had a hangover and wasn't at full strength. Sometimes he was physically or emotionally exhausted from saving a patient's life. Other times, he was just hungry.

But this was different. He wasn't just ready to stop working: he was desperate. The relief when it finally happened was immeasurable. The patients hadn't been particularly difficult – Ethan had had a very successful morning – but Cal was tired and despite everything, he did miss Taylor.

The trouble with beginning to get over someone was that sometimes you forgot. When the misery wasn't in your head absolutely all the time, it was possible to forget the relationship had ended, then before you knew it, you were looking forward to seeing her again and dreaming of another night together.

Cal couldn't help thinking about how sympathetic Taylor would have been about the situation with Ethan. He always felt as though he could tell her anything. She always listened and supported him. She never seemed to get impatient or annoyed. There were times when she suddenly stopped talking about whatever his latest problem was and insisted he needed to distract himself for a while instead of dwelling it, but she never made it seem as though she was bored.

She probably was though, thought Cal. She was probably bored out of her mind. Either that or laughing at him. The supportiveness was all part of her act.

"Cal?"

He came back to earth. "Sorry, Ethan. I was miles away. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," said Ethan. He was looking concerned. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine too," said Cal. "I was just thinking about how well you'd done this morning. You were brilliant."

Ethan looked startled. "Was I? I haven't really done anything. Nothing difficult."

"When you feel this bad, everything's difficult," said Cal, with more emotion in his voice than he'd intended to show. "You've done really well and I'm proud of you. I've hardly had to say anything. You didn't need me at all this morning – but I'm not leaving you to till _you_ know you don't need me."

"What if I never know that?" said Ethan.

Cal put his arm around him. "You will, Ethan. I know you will."

* * *

Cal was lying face-down on the staff room floor, sobbing. Ethan was kneeling on the floor beside him, stroking his back.

"It's going to be all right, Caleb," Ethan was saying gently. "You can do this. I know you can. I know it's scary, but I'm going to be with you the whole time. I won't let anything bad happen to you. I promise."

"No!" Cal screamed into the carpet and slapped his hands loudly on the floor. "I told you I'm not doing it. Why can't you just leave me alone?" This was followed by more sobs.

"Because I'm worried about you," said Ethan. "I want you to feel better and I know you want that too. If you don't let me help you, then you're going to carry on feeling like this, perhaps forever."

Cal sat up slowly and wiped his hands across his face.

"Well done," said Ethan, and patted Cal's shoulder. "You're doing really well, Caleb. Do you think you can get up now? You can't be very comfortable down there on the floor." He offered his free hand to Cal and kept one hand on his shoulder as he helped him to stand. "There. Can you sit down for me-"

"Get your hands off me!" Cal shoved Ethan backwards into one of the chairs. "Why can't you just take a straight answer when you hear it?" He stood over Ethan. "I don't need you and I don't need your-"

"That's enough, Caleb!" said a sharp voice, and they turned to see Zoe. She took Cal's arm and led him away from Ethan, but she didn't look angry so much as sad. "I had a feeling this wouldn't work. I know you want to help your brother, Cal, but you're just not well enough to be at work." She looked over at Ethan, who was still sitting down. "Ethan, are you all right? He didn't hurt you?"

Ethan felt very uncomfortable. He'd had no idea Zoe was there. "I'm really sorry, Zoe, but-"

"Ethan, you have no reason to apologise. You haven't done anything wrong. All you've done is try to help your brother."

"Actually, I was the one helping him," broke in Cal, who looked even more embarrassed than Ethan felt. "None of that was real, Zoe. We were just doing role-play."

Judging from the horrified look on Zoe's face, she hadn't interpreted the phrase correctly. "Role-play?"

Cal laughed. "Not _that_ kind of role-play. What have you and Max been doing to make you think of that first? I meant the kind of role-play where we take a difficult workplace situation and try to act out how to deal with it."

It was Zoe's turn to look embarrassed now. "Oh, I see. Of course. I'm sorry I interrupted you, but it was very convincing. You were dealing with the situation very well, Ethan. Why don't you carry on? I've got a few things I need to do here, but you won't disturb me."

Ethan shook his head. He couldn't do it in front of an audience. He also knew that a role-play with Cal, who would never hurt him and had carefully positioned him to ensure that he landed safely in a chair, was very difficult from dealing with the real thing. "Thank you, Zoe, but I'm actually really hungry so I was ready to stop."

Cal gave him a quick glance and didn't push it. "I'm actually hungry too now you mention it." They walked out of the staff room together. "I've got an idea. How about if I start a food fight and you restrain me?"

"How about you don't?" Zoe called after them and both brothers laughed.


	24. Chapter 24

**ETWentHome** , thank you for your review. I'm glad you found the role-play funny - I hoped it would be. Cal really throws himself into it! But he is still very down and he does need some support - ideally from Ethan.

 **Tato Potato** , I enjoy writing scenes that seem to be one thing but turn out to be something else. I'm really relieved this one worked! I'm glad you think Ethan handled it in the right way. Thank you for your review!

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. I love writing about their relationship and it's really lovely to know that you like how I write it. You're right - it won't be easy for Cal to get over Taylor.

 **Bettie** , thank you for your review - I'm really happy to know you're enjoying my stories. That's a really interesting idea and I'd love to write it. It might not be very soon as I'm writing so many stories already, but I'm excited about writing it already!

* * *

Cal tried not to look as alarmed as he felt when they saw the teenage boy coming towards him. Even without speaking to him, Cal could tell Ethan was intimidated. Not that he gave any obvious signs of it, but Cal knew his brother and he knew which types of people scared him to death.

Jordan Driscoll was definitely one of them. Despite being only seventeen, he was a good six inches taller than Ethan. His bare arms showed bulging muscles and tattoos. His face was pierced in more places than Cal had ever seen on one person, and he was casually dressed in a vest, jeans and dirty trainers. The leather jacket he was carrying was probably a good £800 cheaper than Cal's, but it still gave off the impression of danger.

Cal had a feeling he could only have terrified Ethan more if he'd been female.

"Hi, Jordan," said Ethan with a brave smile. "I'm Dr Hardy and this is Dr Knight, who's assisting me today. Please would you follow me?"

Jordan rolled his eyes and made a grunt that could have meant anything, but he followed Ethan to the cubicle as instructed. "Have you got any pretty nurses?"

"I couldn't possibly say," said Ethan.

"Oh, so you're gay, then?"

"No, I don't think so," said Ethan. "Would you like to lie down? How can we help you, Jordan?"

"You can't help me," said Jordan fiercely. He deigned to sit on the edge of the bed but showed no signs of lying down. "I don't want you to help me. There's nothing wrong with me."

"I see," said Ethan. "Are you here at someone else's request?"

Cal gave Ethan a glance of approval. Cal would probably have asked Jordan what he thought he was doing there if there was nothing wrong. Perhaps there was something to be said for being a little bit intimidated.

"My boss said I had to," said Jordan in tones of deep contempt. "Just because I threw up twice at work and he came barging in and saw there was blood in it."

"It can be difficult when you think someone's overreacting," said Ethan. "You know your body better than he does, after all. But blood in your vomit can be a sign of something you need help with so let's check things out while you're here. Would you mind lying down on the bed for me? Thank you. Are you experiencing any pain at all?"

"Everywhere!" said Jordan. "My shoulders, my arms, my legs… though yours would be aching too if you did my job."

"How about your-" Cal stopped himself with an effort. "Sorry, Dr Hardy."

Ethan gave him a surprised look, but made no comment. "How about your stomach, Jordan?"

"On and off," said Jordan. "But it was so bad just before I came in here, I actually screamed, which is how my boss found out. I usually only scream in bed."

Ethan blushed (even though he must have heard things like this before) and looked at Cal for help.

"Oh, do you get a lot of nightmares?" said Cal in his best 'interested doctor' voice.

Jordan glared at Cal. "That's not what I meant!"

"Now, there's no need to be embarrassed," said Cal. "Nightmares can actually be a sign of a physical illness. Isn't that right, Dr Hardy?"

Jordan looked ready to strangle Cal. Ethan's eyes filled momentarily with panic, but then he tried to get the conversation back on track.

"How would you describe the pain?" said Ethan.

"Painful!" said Jordan.

Ethan smiled uncertainly. "I'm sorry. That's a very stupid question that doctors ask all the time, and no-one can be expected to understand if I don't explain what I mean. Would you say the pain was intermittent or constant?"

"What's internettant mean? Speak English, can't you!"

"Sorry, I was being overtechnical," said Ethan. "Are you experiencing the pain all the time or just some of the time!"

"All the time, but it's not always that bad."

"And would you say the pain is sharp or dull?"

Jordan sighed loudly. "Look, how long's this going to take? We all know there's nothing wrong with me."

"I'll be as quick as I can," promised Ethan. "Your boss might not let you go back to work unless I make a proper investigation."

Cal tried not to smile at the thought of Ethan being quick.

"You don't need to do anything!" said Jordan. "I'll just tell him you gave me loads of blood tests and they came out clear."

"That wouldn't be very ethical," said Ethan.

Jordan swung his legs over the side of the bed, narrowly missing Ethan, who flinched away.

"Listen, you do want to go back to work, Jordan, don't you?" broke in Cal.

"Only for the money," said Jordan.

"Yes, well, Dr Hardy likes money too," said Cal. "And he won't get nearly as much if he gets sacked for not examining his patients properly."

"Do you usually speak for Dr Hardy?"

"Only when I'm really tested," said Cal.

Ethan started to look really worried. "I… I… um…"

Cal put his hand on Ethan's arm and squeezed it gently. "Sorry, Dr Hardy. Sorry, Mr Driscoll. That was uncalled for. I won't interrupt again."

If anything, this made Ethan look even more worried, but he managed to continue with the questions, establishing that the pain was sharp and that movement sometimes helped to ease it, though breathing didn't make it better or worse. "Would you say you drink a lot of alcohol, Jordan?"

"I'm seventeen," said Jordan. "Of course I'm not going to admit to drinking alcohol in front of a doctor."

Cal decided this was one instance where he really could be helpful. "I was drinking heavily when I was seventeen."

"Yeah, okay: I like a drink with my mates every- have you got a bowl?" said Jordan urgently.

Ethan quickly passed one over. When Jordan had finished throwing up, Ethan took it away and gave him another one. "We'll keep this one for analysis." There had been sympathy in his eyes when Jordan was vomiting, but he seemed to realise Jordan wouldn't welcome it and kept his voice neutral. "Do you ever take aspirin or ibuprofen?"

"No, I take paracetamol for hangovers," said Jordan. He stood up, his hand going to his stomach as he did so, and looked down at Ethan. "What's that got to do with anything? Listen, if you're going to tell my mum I've been drinking…"

"You're over sixteen." Ethan tensed at his proximity, but he didn't move away. "Even if the problem is caused by excessive alcohol consumption, which is very unlikely at your age, I would only consider telling your mum if there was a significant deterioration in your condition – if it became life-threatening - and if she was your next of kin. As things stand, the information you've given me is confidential."

Cal nodded approvingly at Ethan and listened as Jordan confirmed (after further explanations from Ethan) that he suffered from heartburn and acid reflux, though he had no problems swallowing. Ethan blushed again when Jordan suggested that difficulties with swallowing were more of a problem for girls, but then Ethan pointed out calmly that swallowing was quite important with eating too.

"Right. It sounds like you're suffering from gastritis," said Ethan. "It's very unpleasant but not serious, though I'd like to run a few tests just to rule out other conditions."

"Tests?" said Jordan.

"Just a few routine blood tests, a urea breath test and I'll need a stool sample if possible," said Ethan.

Jordan gulped audibly. Then he thrust his face close to Ethan's. "I don't need any tests: got it? You said it yourself: there's probably nothing wrong."

"It's always better to make sure," said Ethan.

"Maybe I don't want to make sure! Did you ever think of that?" Jordan shoved him in the chest

Cal immediately grasped Jordan by the shoulders. "I've got him, Ethan. You leave if you want to. You don't have to put up with this."


	25. Chapter 25

**Tato Potato** , thank you for your review. It is a good thing Cal was there - and although I'm sure he'd never admit it, maybe Cal is glad not to be alone with the patient too!

 **ETWentHome** , I'm sorry the ending was scary, but I really wanted to scare Ethan! I'm glad you think he's dealing with the situation well. If only Ethan agreed with you! Thank you for your review.

 **Paradoxilla** , that is the reality, unfortunately. The really sad thing is that some patients are even worse, though I thought this one was more than enough for Ethan! Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. I'm glad you like the Cal and Ethan scenes. I really love writing them so I'm happy that you're enjoying them too.

* * *

Ethan was pale and trembling. He turned and took a step towards the curtain, but then he turned back. "Please let go of him, Dr Knight. He's not struggling now." Ethan's voice was trembling too, but his gaze was determined.

Cal wasn't at all sure that letting go of Jordan was a good idea. "I think we should call security and have him removed."

"Too much for you, am I?" said Jordan.

"Please, Cal," said Ethan. "Let go of him."

Cal hesitated, but then he reluctantly did as Ethan had asked, though he stayed close behind him, his hands held out ready.

"Jordan, I do strongly recommend that you have the tests, but we can't force you," said Ethan. "If you want to leave now, I can recommend some over-the-counter medications that might help you to feel better, but I will have to write to your GP about your hospital visit, our recommendations and your decision not to follow them. Not to report you: just to keep your GP in the picture in case there are further problems."

He looked anxiously at Cal. Cal smiled and gave him a thumbs-up behind Jordan's back.

"There won't be any more problems!" said Jordan. "I'm fine now. And I'm going."

"Before you go, can you quickly tell us why you don't want a blood test?" said Ethan. "You don't have to tell us. But if you do, we might be able to find a way of making it easier."

Jordan looked him up and down assessingly. Ethan showed no signs of fear this time, but Cal knew it was still there.

"Can you do it without the needle?" said Jordan aggressively.

Ethan gave a reluctant smile. "I'm afraid not, but there are things we can do to make it easier. We can use a slightly smaller needle called a butterfly needle, which is less painful and actually safer. We'll give you some water to drink before you do the test as good hydration can help with the process. Then we'll give you a basin of warm water for you to put your arm in for five minutes before the test as being warm can also help. We won't rush you and we certainly won't judge you because we all have phobias. Don't we, Dr Knight?"

"Um… yes," said Cal. He hoped Ethan wasn't planning on giving Jordan any more details about that.

"I haven't got a phobia!" said Jordan.

"No. Of course not. What I meant to say is we all have perfectly reasonable dislikes of nasty objects," said Ethan. "So, what do you think? If we send you to the waiting room, bring you a glass of water and call you back in about twenty minutes, we can have another chat – but if you do stay, that doesn't mean you have to have the test. You can change your mind at any time."

* * *

An hour later, Jordan left the cubicle again, secure in the knowledge that he almost certainly had gastritis. He hadn't been able to produce the stool sample, but Ethan had given him some equipment to take home with him, asking him to perform the test himself when he had the opportunity.

As soon as he'd gone, Ethan began to tremble. The same thing had happened each time Jordan had left the cubicle, firstly to wait for his blood test and secondly to wait for the results, but Cal had calmed him down with a few soothing words and a hug. But Ethan knew that wouldn't be enough this time.

Ethan's breathing quickened and his eyes filled with tears. "Can't stay here."

"You don't have to stay here," said Cal. "We'll go to the staff room. Come on. It's going to be okay."

Ethan nodded and they walked there together. Ethan was still shaking and it was all he could do to keep the tears back.

"Nearly there," said Cal as they walked.

Ethan brushed his hand across his face when a tear escaped, despite his best efforts.

"It's okay," said Cal. "There's not much further to go now, Ethan. Maybe ten more steps."

Ethan could see for himself that they were nearly there (though the tears weren't helping his vision), but he was grateful for Cal's words all the same. He concentrated on Cal's voice and Ethan managed to get into the staff room without further loss of control.

They sat on the sofa and Cal put his arms around his brother. "It's okay, Ethan. It's okay. It's over now and you did really well. You handled everything."

Ethan took his glasses off and buried his face in Cal's shoulder. He didn't know why Cal was saying that when it wasn't true.

"It's okay," said Cal gently. "It's over now and you did really well."

"No, I didn't," sobbed Ethan.

Cal stroked his back. "Why would you think that?"

"Look at me," said Ethan. He sat up and wiped his hands across his face. "In what way am I handling it?"

"it's over now," said Cal. "It doesn't matter what you do once it's over. Well, if you took all your clothes off and ran naked around the car park, I think there's a good chance you'd end up in Connie's office – and probably not because she enjoyed the view. But it's okay to be upset after dealing with a difficult patient. What you do after it's over doesn't change what you achieved when it was happening."

Ethan sniffed. "But after a difficult patient, you're supposed to carry on and see another patient. Not run to the staff room and cry all over your brother."

"It's not always possible to carry on," said Cal. "You know that. I've had times when I've had to take a break; when I've locked myself in the loo and wished my brother was there for me to cry over. Everyone has. It's a difficult job, Ethan. A stressful job. And you just dealt with a very difficult and stressful situation. You calmed down a potentially violent patient and you talked him into doing something that terrified him. I couldn't have done that. I was all ready to call security. But you stopped me because you knew there was a better way to deal with the problem and you knew you could do it."

"Really?" said Ethan cautiously. "You're not just saying that?"

"When do I ever just say things?" said Cal. He hugged Ethan again. "You cry all you want to. You've still got a way to go before you catch up with me."

* * *

Cal smiled proudly as he and Ethan left the hospital. "I know you probably won't agree with me, Nibbles, but I think that was another successful day for Dr Hardy."

Ethan gave a small smile. "I suppose it was better than yesterday."

"It was much better than yesterday!" said Cal. "Look at what you had to deal with. But you were brilliant and I'm proud of you."

"I'm not proud of myself," admitted Ethan.

They stopped beside Ethan's car. Cal went straight to the driver's side, but Ethan made no objection.

"What would you have to do before you can feel proud of yourself, Ethan?" Cal asked softly as they drove home.

Ethan didn't answer. He stared out of the windscreen. Cal gave him a sideways glance and realised how tired he looked.

"Early night for you, I think, Nibbles," he said.

Ethan just nodded.


	26. Chapter 26

**Tato Potato** , thank you for your review. I'm really happy you enjoyed it. Thank you for saying you felt Ethan handled the situation well - I couldn't handle that kind of situation at all so I didn't really know if it was realistic or not.

 **Paradoxilla** , I agree, he is a wonderful doctor! So wonderful, even Cal's saying so! I'm sure he'll get his confidence back eventually, but I'm not sure how, which is bad considering I'm writing it! Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you so much! I find it difficult writing patients as they're created to suit the plot rather than existing for their own sake so I'm glad you liked Jordan. I love writing the bond with Cal and Ethan - it's lovely that you like the way I do it.

* * *

Ethan wasn't ignoring Cal's question about what would make him feel proud of himself. He just wasn't sure what his answer should be. He seldom thought about being proud of the things he did every day. They were just part of his job. He'd been proud when he'd first become a registrar and he didn't doubt he'd feel proud when (if) he became a consultant, but that would only be fleeting. The things he had achieved weren't that important because there was always something else to do. Always someone else who needed help.

Sometimes, when he'd achieved something particularly difficult, or stuck to his own convictions in the face of adversity (which usually came from Cal) and it turned out that Ethan was right, then he might feel a small amount of satisfaction – but he would also feel relief. Sometimes it was clear what a doctor should do, but other times there was no obvious right answer. Making the right decision, or hitting on the right one of several possibilities, was often partly down to luck. Ethan didn't think he should really be proud of himself if he'd been lucky. Experience, gut instinct and the laws of probability also played a part, but Ethan didn't think that was something he could be proud of either – in the end it was still a guess.

Ethan had a feeling he hadn't always seen things that way, but that was how he saw them now.

It wasn't until they'd almost finished eating that Ethan finally came to some sort of conclusion. "Cal?" he said to his brother, who was staring off into the distance and hadn't taken a mouthful of food for some time. He didn't respond and Ethan frowned. "Caleb, are you okay?"

"Of course!" said Cal with an unconvincingly bright smile. "I was just thinking about… how hot Lily looked today."

Ethan knew he was lying. Cal had barely looked at any girl but Taylor for months. He wondered if he should say something about Taylor, but there was no denying that Cal had been a lot better since they'd stopped talking about her. "Well, don't tell Lily she put you off your food. She might take it in completely the wrong way."

"Even if she took it the right way, I doubt she'd be flattered," said Cal. He looked down at his plate. "Sometimes I think I don't understand women at all... Did you want to say something?"

"I was thinking about what it would take to make me feel proud of myself," said Ethan.

Cal looked slightly confused – he'd clearly completely forgotten about the question he'd asked Ethan more than an hour ago – but he smiled encouragingly. "What did you decide?"

"I was thinking I couldn't be proud of myself till I became a consultant," said Ethan. "That I couldn't be proud of myself until I'd outdone myself in some way."

A worried look came into Cal's eyes. "Ethan…"

Ethan sighed. "But I suppose things have changed now. My best isn't my best anymore. I shouldn't be trying to compete with the person I used to be. Only with the person I am now."

"No, you are the same person," said Cal. "You are. And you will get back to where you were." Cal came round the table and sat beside Ethan. "I suppose in some ways, you could see it as being similar to becoming a consultant."

"What?" Now it was Ethan's turn to be worried: Cal was making no sense at all. "How is being a complete emotional mess like being a consultant?"

"When you become a consultant, it doesn't change who you are," said Cal. "It's really the _experience_ of being a consultant that makes you better. Having consultant on your name badge instead of registrar doesn't really change anything. It just gives the opportunity to have those experiences. In some ways, becoming a consultant is going to make you a worse doctor. You'll have new responsibilities. New knowledge. New skills. More pressure. More responsibility. It's going to take you a while to adapt to that and for a while, it could have a negative impact on your work."

Ethan nodded cautiously. He could agree with Cal that far.

"You'll still be the same person," said Cal. "You'll just get a whole set of new challenges. And that's what you've got now, Ethan. You're still Dr Hardy. You've still achieved everything you've achieved. But you can't just get on with your job exactly as you did before because you have new things to think about as well. But it won't be difficult forever because soon it'll just become part of your job. It will just become automatic for you and then they won't worry you anymore – or not nearly as much."

Ethan wanted to believe him. He knew there was some truth in what Cal was saying. But that didn't change the fact that the things he was struggling with now were things he used to be able to deal with. Perhaps not as well as other doctors dealt with them, but better than he was coping now.

* * *

Cal woke up with a headache and a feeling of hopelessness. He didn't know how he was going to get through another day, but he knew he had no choice. He had to go to work because that was his job.

He stumbled into the bathroom for a shower, but the hot water plummeting down on his head made him feel worse.

Ethan's eyes went wide when he saw him. "Cal, are you okay? You don't look well."

"It's just a headache," said Cal. He realised Ethan had already got breakfast ready and he berated himself for not getting up earlier so he could do it. He must have forgotten to set his alarm. He'd actually got an early night again, going to bed not that long after Ethan, but he'd lain awake for some time. When he had finally slept, he'd dreamed of Taylor and woken up at about half-past two with tears on his cheeks. He'd spent about two hours crying, on and off, before finally taking some sleeping tablets. They'd done the job, but they hadn't made up for the sleep he'd already lost.

Ethan stood up. "I'll get you some paracetamol."

Cal felt as though he ought to be doing that, but instead he found himself sinking into a chair and waiting for Ethan. While he was out of Ethan's line of sight, he put his head in his hands. He really did feel low today. He wished he could tell Ethan, but his brother had enough things to worry about at the moment. He didn't need Cal crying on his shoulder again. No matter how much Cal wanted to.

Ethan returned with two paracetamol and a glass of water. Cal swallowed the tablets and told himself he'd feel better once they'd started to take effect.

"Cal, if you're not well enough to go to work, you shouldn't go," said Ethan. "I can work with Zoe instead."

"No, I'm fine," said Cal. "I'm not ill. I think I just slept awkwardly."

"Do some stretching exercises," suggested Ethan. "And I can give you a massage too if you'd like one."

Cal did a few stretches, but they didn't help. He sat down to eat his breakfast. He was aware Ethan was watching him and he knew his brother was still worried. Cal didn't want him to worry. He didn't to make the day even more difficult for Ethan.

"You're going to be fine today, Ethan," Cal told him. "I know you don't think you did anything special yesterday, but take it from me: you did. If I'd been on my own with Jordan, I'd have lost patience with him and told him to get out. Or he might have lost patience with me. Either way, if I'd been his doctor, he wouldn't have got the tests he needed. But he did and that was because of you. You didn't give up on him. Remember that."

He wasn't really expecting his words to make a difference, but Ethan's face lit with surprise. "Thank you," he said and gave Cal a hug.

It was only then that Cal realised how much he needed one.


	27. Chapter 27

**TheAtomicCheesepuff** , thank you for your review. Cal and Ethan are very interesting characters so I enjoy imagining what goes on in their heads!

 **Tanith Panic** , I find the healing process quite difficult to write about - I don't want a miracle cure, but I don't want it to go on forever and bore you! I'm glad you're happy with it so far. Thank you for your review.

* * *

Zoe was standing by the staff room door talking to Max when Cal and Ethan arrived. "Hi, you two. Max, I need to have a word with my registrars. I'll see you later."

Max winked at Cal and Ethan. "What have you two been up to then, eh?"

"Oh, I couldn't possibly say," said Cal, winking back.

"You mean you're back in circulation again?" said Max, looking delighted. He patted Cal on the back. "That's great news, Cal. That's really great news. It's about time you forgot about that two-faced Tina-bitch."

"Yeah," said Cal. He decided not to correct Max about Taylor's name. That would involve saying it out loud.

Max included Ethan in his smile. "We'll celebrate later, okay? But right now I've got to go before Dr Hanna hits me over the head with my own mop." He gave Zoe a kiss, and Zoe took Cal and Ethan to her office.

"So, how are you two feeling?" asked Zoe. "Connie was very impressed with you two yesterday."

Cal looked startled. "With me?"

"Well, more with Ethan," admitted Zoe with a smile. "She read over your notes about how you dealt with the boy with gastritis. She said she'd have been impressed with that even if she didn't consider the current circumstances."

Cal seemed delighted for his brother, but Ethan had mixed feelings. "What did you write in the notes, Caleb?"

"Just what happened," said Cal. "If he's a problem patient, we need to flag it up and it's helpful to have information on the sort of approach that works with him."

Ethan turned to Zoe, still not quite able to believe it. "And Mrs Beauchamp felt I did the right thing?"

Zoe gave him a warm smile. "Of course! You're a very good doctor, Ethan. That hasn't changed."

"Exactly what I've been telling him!" said Cal.

Zoe looked at him and frowned slightly. "Cal, are you okay? You look pale."

"I've got a headache," said Cal. "It's nothing."

"He slept funny," Ethan said quickly before Zoe could jump to the wrong conclusions. "He hasn't gone out drinking for ages." He phrased this very carefully to exclude the time when Cal had got drunk in the flat.

Zoe looked as though she was in two minds about whether this was a good thing or not. "I am glad you're not hungover, Cal, and I'm sure you're not ready to get back into 'circulation', as Max calls it. But you shouldn't shut yourself away, either of you. It's good to have a couple of drinks and spend time with your mates."

"Yeah, maybe tonight," said Cal. "If Ethan's up to it."

Zoe nodded. "It is good to see you supporting him, Cal. You're doing a good job. You both are."

* * *

Cal and Ethan were on their way to the waiting room when a trolley appeared, clearly heading for Resus. Cal didn't seem to notice, but Ethan quickly pulled him out of the way. They waited until the trolley had passed, then Cal started walking again, but Ethan stayed where he was, staring in the direction the trolley had taken.

"Ethan?" Cal came back to him. "What's up?"

"I was just thinking about Resus," said Ethan with a sigh.

Cal put his hands on Ethan's shoulders. "Don't think about it. Think about all the times you've been in Resus and everything's been fine."

Ethan looked up at Cal. "I wasn't thinking about that. I was just wondering if they'd ever let me back in there."

"Of course they will!" said Cal. "They might even do it today or tomorrow if you decide you're ready. This isn't about not trusting you, Ethan. It's about helping you to trust yourself."

Ethan nodded. "I know. I just feel like it's something I've got to do. I want to come back from this, Cal. I want to be the doctor I was before."

"You still are that doctor," said Cal firmly.

"Okay, I want to be doing all the things I was doing before," said Ethan.

"You will be," said Cal.

Ethan tried not to show his frustration. "But I won't know I'm really back till I'm doing my normal sort of workload again. There are things I need to do. To prove to myself I can do them. I can't prove to myself I'm ready for Resus till I've been in Resus. But I'm scared, Cal. I don't want to be scared, but I am."

Cal's voice was gentle. "Of course you're scared. Anyone would be. But not everyone would be man enough to admit it. Me, for one!" He gave Ethan a quick hug. "It's going to be fine, Ethan. I'll tell you what. Why don't we go and see Zoe later and ask if we can observe the next time she's in Resus? That might help you get used to being there again. Then the next time, maybe we can both assist Zoe. Then you can be my assistant; then I'll be your assistant."

"That's going to take a while," said Ethan sadly.

"It'll take as long as it takes," said Cal. "But you'll get there, Ethan. I know you will."

* * *

The shared laughter helped to get Cal through the rest of the morning, but by the afternoon, he was struggling again. It didn't matter too much as Ethan was managing brilliantly with every patient and didn't need Cal to do anything, but he knew he wasn't himself and he couldn't help worrying about whether he'd be able to help if Ethan did have a problem. Cal felt exhausted and overwrought and his headache still hadn't gone.

He didn't know what was wrong with him. He hadn't slept very well, but he'd been known to come to work after a night of heavy partying. A couple of missed hours shouldn't make any difference. But it had and now Cal was struggling to concentrate and he didn't even know if he was doing the right thing for Ethan. He was helping him through each difficult moment, but Ethan's eventual aim was to manage on his own and Cal could be holding him back.

He wished he could talk to Taylor about it. She would listen to him and tell him he was doing all the right things to help Ethan.

She wouldn't mean it, though. She'd just say whatever it took to keep Cal sweet and get his money.

"…Dr Knight?" said Ethan. "Could you do that for me, please?"

"Yes, of course," said Cal automatically.

Then he came back to the present again and he realised he had no idea what Ethan was talking about. He looked at the patient, quickly running his mind over his symptoms. A logical step to take would be a CT scan. Cal nodded and went off to arrange it.

On his way back, he stopped outside the loos and considered going in for a moment. Just for a few minutes. Just so he could have a bit of a break from all the stress of pretending everything was okay.

But he couldn't. He'd left Ethan alone with the patient – something he'd already promised himself he wouldn't do – and anything might happen.


	28. Chapter 28

**Tato Potato** , thank you for your review. I'm really happy you think Cal is doing a good job - thank you for saying that. I really appreciate it.

 **Gillian Kearney Fan** , yes, I know, I'm making them suffer again, aren't I? And it's not going to stop! Thank you for your review.

 **CBloom2** , thank you for your review. You will find out how Ethan will cope if something happens to Cal - but something else is going to happen first...

 **Tanith Panic** , I'm sure Cal will have some more roguish moments to come! I'm afraid he won't be getting any rest in this chapter... thank you for your review.

 **ETWentHome** , ending lines like that aren't usually a good sign! Thank you for your review. I really am happy you're enjoying it.

 _What Ethan does in this story comes from an idea from an anonymous **Guest**. Thank you for the idea and I hope you like what I've done with it (I won't quote the idea as that would give too much away)._

* * *

Cal hurried back to the cubicle, terrified of what he might find, but all seemed calm. Ethan was having a friendly chat about how nice Ibiza was at this time of year. Not that Ethan knew from personal experience, but he'd obviously listened when Cal was talking about it.

"All arranged, Dr Hardy," said Cal smoothly. "They said it should be about twenty minutes."

Ethan looked startled. "Twenty minutes? Are you sure?"

"I think it must just be pretty quiet today," said Cal.

"Quiet?" said Ethan, confused. "If it's going to take that long, perhaps one of us should do it. We don't need to wait for a nurse."

"Nurse?" said Cal blankly.

"To take the bloods," explained Ethan.

Cal groaned and covered his eyes.

"Dr Knight, can we have a word outside for a minute?" Ethan's voice was higher than usual. Cal nodded at once and took Ethan outside.

"What's up, Ethan?" he asked, concerned now. "Do you need to go and take a break? That's fine. It's nearly time for you to have a break anyway so don't worry about coming back. I'll deal with the scan."

Ethan took a shaky breath. "I didn't want him to have a scan."

"I meant the bloods," said Cal quickly, but he knew it was too late.

"That's what I meant too," said Ethan. "But I must have said scan… what's wrong with me, Cal? I can't even say the right words now."

Cal heard the quiver in Ethan's voice and saw his brother's eyes fill with tears. "Ethan, you did say the right words. It's my fault. I wasn't listening and I didn't want to admit it so I made a guess at what you wanted me to do and got it wrong."

A tear slipped down Ethan's cheek.

Cal quickly wiped it away before anyone could walk past and see it. He wasn't embarrassed, but Ethan would hate it if anyone saw him not being unflappable. "I'm sorry, Ethan. I really am."

Ethan gave a choked sob and another tear escaped.

Cal didn't know what to do. It was clear that Ethan was in no state to go back to work and Cal didn't want to leave him, but he also had to consider the patient, who was probably very confused. "Why don't you go to the staff room and I'll come and find you when I've finished with the patient?"

He was expecting Ethan to refuse, but he didn't. "Okay," he almost whispered and gave Cal the file. Then he turned and almost ran away down the corridor. Cal watched him go, his heart twisting. All he wanted was to run after Ethan and hug him and tell him how sorry he was for messing up again, but he knew he couldn't. He had to do his job.

* * *

Cal had never been so relieved to see Zoe. She was talking to a patient who was clearly about to leave, but Cal couldn't wait. "Zoe, I've lost Ethan."

He saw the look of worry on Zoe's face, but she merely said: "I'll be with you in a minute, Caleb," and continued speaking to her patient.

Cal didn't like to interrupt again, especially not when she'd just called him Caleb, but it felt like an eternity. As he waited, he was constantly looking around him for some sign of Ethan. He knew he was unlikely to see him, but he kept looking, silently begging any God that might happen to exist to arrange Ethan's safe and immediate return.

"I'd better let you go," said the patient at last. "Your colleague looks more worried than I feel and that's saying something!"

"If you have any more questions, you can always try your GP or NHS Direct," said Zoe. "Or if it gets worse, come back as I said before. But I'm sure everything will be fine." The patient finally left and Zoe turned back to Cal. "What do you mean you've lost Ethan?"

"I sent him to the staff room," said Cal shakily. "He was upset. It was my fault: I made a mistake and he thought it was his mistake. He was too upset to go back to the patient so I sent him to the staff room, but he's not there!"

"All right." Zoe put her hand on Cal's arm. "We can't discuss this out here. We'll go to my office and you can explain properly."

"But we've got to find him!" Cal was close to tears now. "I said I wouldn't leave him, but I did and now he's gone."

Zoe gave him a gentle push. "Come on, Cal. It's going to be okay. We'll find him, but I need you to calm down and come with me."

Cal went with her, but he didn't calm down. "How can you expect me to calm down when my brother might be dead?"

"Okay, maybe asking you to be calm is unrealistic, but you can't let the patients see you like this," said Zoe. They walked for a while in silence as Cal tried to control his tears, but then Zoe stopped him. "Okay, we can talk now if you like, as long as you keep your voice down. Can you tell me exactly what happened?"

Cal blinked hard. "We were seeing a patient. Ethan was talking to him, but I wasn't really listening. I didn't sleep very well and my head's still hurting so I was a bit distracted."

Zoe looked even more concerned, but she made no comment on Cal's mental and physical state. "Then what happened?"

"Ethan asked me to do something," said Cal. "But I didn't hear what and I didn't want to admit I wasn't listening so I tried to guess what he wanted. I thought it was probably a scan so I arranged one, but when I got back, Ethan told me he actually wanted some bloods taken."

"And Ethan somehow thought this was his mistake?" Zoe was looking confused.

Cal nodded. "He thought he'd said the wrong word – scan instead of bloods. I did tell him what happened, but I don't think he believed me. He was really upset. He couldn't go back to the patient in that state so I told him to go to the staff room and wait for me. But he's not there."

"Have you looked anywhere else?" said Zoe.

"I looked everywhere," said Cal. "I tried his car and the on-call room. I tried in the loos. I looked everywhere inside and outside. I asked everyone I saw if they'd seen him and they hadn't."

"Have you tried phoning him?" asked Zoe.

"Yes, but his phone's in his locker," said Cal. "So are all his keys. I've just got no idea where he is, Zoe." His eyes filled with tears again. "What am I going to do? How am I going to find him?"

Zoe put her arm around him. "By staying calm and not panicking. Does Ethan have any friends he might have visited?"

"Ethan doesn't really do friends," said Cal. "He's got friends on the internet, but no-one near here, I don't think."

"Okay: is there anywhere in Holby he likes to go?"

Cal tried to think. "I think he quite likes the library. I don't know. I don't usually ask him things like that. As long as he gets home in time to make the dinner… that's a joke… no, all I can think of is the library and I think he was too upset to go there. You have to be really quiet in the library. I got thrown out for sneezing once. It was so unfair. I'd just met this amazing girl and we were really enjoying the geography section together, but her perfume made me sneeze and this librarian heard me and…" He stopped. "I shouldn't even be thinking about that. We've got to find Ethan!"

Zoe thought for a moment. "Okay: we'll start by searching the hospital again. He might be helping out in cubicles: maybe one of the nurses wanted a doctor's advice."

Cal put his hands to his aching head.

"On second thoughts, maybe you should have a break and let me look for him," said Zoe.

"No. No, I'm fine." Cal gave her a tight smile. "I'll help you search. I'm okay."


	29. Chapter 29

**Tato Potato** , thank you for your review. Cal and Zoe are going to look for Ethan in this chapter, but I can't promise they'll find him!

 **ETWentHome** , you're right, it isn't a good thing! It's worse than Cal going missing because at least that would be in character. Thank you for your review - you're very kind!

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. It's really lovely to know you like the way I'm writing the story. I do like making readers wonder and worry!

* * *

Cal and Zoe conducted a far more thorough search than Cal had done initially, also asking nearly everyone they saw if they'd seen Ethan. Lofty said Ethan had come into the staff room when he was in there with Max, but he'd gone straight out again. Louise had seen him walking past reception at 2.14pm and hadn't seen him come back in again, though she'd gone for a break at 2.32.

"What are we going to do?" said Cal, his voice quiet but stressed.

Zoe considered for a moment. "I think you'd better go and look for him, Cal. We really need you here, but you're in no state to work. Have a drive around the city; go to the library; go to anywhere else you think Ethan might like. I'll phone you if Ethan comes back here."

"Okay," said Cal, his eyes on the floor.

Zoe put her arm around him. "How about if I ask Max to go with you? He never seems to have anything to do so I'm sure we can spare him."

"No, that's okay." Cal looked up and tried to smile. "I'll be fine." Max was a good friend for going out drinking with, but Cal was still feeling as though he might cry at any moment and he wasn't sure how Max would react. "If Max needs something to do, he can keep watching out for Ethan."

Zoe rubbed his shoulder. "All right, Cal. We will find him. Don't worry."

"Promise you'll phone me if he shows up here?" said Cal, looking at Zoe through blurry eyes. "Even if he comes back in an ambulance?" He sobbed slightly on the final word.

"Of course I will," said Zoe. She gave Cal a hug. "But I'm sure it won't come to that. I know Ethan's not himself at the moment, but I'm sure he won't do anything silly."

* * *

Cal didn't know where else to look. He'd tried the library. He'd tried every shop he thought Ethan might possibly visit. He'd tried the pubs, simply because that was because where he'd go if he was depressed and couldn't get into the flat. He'd also tried the cafés, restaurants, and even bought a cinema ticket so he could check out all the different screens. He'd annoyed a lot of people by wandering about and trying to see everyone's face, but he didn't find his brother.

Cal had also gone home to the flat, just in case Ethan had managed to get in somehow, but he wasn't there. He also wasn't at the police station or in St James' Hospital.

At last, in despair, Cal returned to the ED in the hope that Ethan might have come back without Zoe seeing him, but there was no sign of him. He definitely hadn't come in by the front entrance because Louise and Noel had been watching out for him. Cal stumbled towards Zoe's office and nearly walked into Lily.

"Dr Knight, can't you watch where you're going?"

Cal looked at her blankly. Her words made little sense to him. "I need Zoe."

"All right. No. Clearly you can't," said Lily. "Dr Hanna is not in her office, but I will find her for you."

"Thanks," muttered Cal. "And, um, sorry for…"

But Lily had already gone. Cal went to Zoe's office and sat with his head in his hands as he hoped and prayed for Ethan's safe return.

"Cal?" He heard Zoe's voice, then felt her hand on his shoulder. "No luck?"

"No luck at all," Cal said unsteadily into his hands. "I tried everywhere. I don't know what else to do."

Zoe sat beside him and put her arm around him. "There's probably nothing we can do except wait for him to come back. And I'm sure he will come back. I know that disappearing for a couple of hours is a big thing for Ethan, but that also means he's not likely to stay out much longer than that."

"But what if he does?" said Cal. "What will we do then?" His eyes filled with tears, but he looked up at Zoe anyway. "It's my fault, Zoe. If I'd been paying proper attention …"

"You weren't to know he'd react like that," said Zoe.

"No, I should have done. I should have known." The tears started to slide down Cal's face. "I said I'd look after him. I said I'd be there for him."

Zoe stroked his back. "No, Cal: don't do this to yourself. It's not your fault. You couldn't have known. Come on. Come here." She put her arms around Cal and let him cry into her shoulder. "It's okay, Cal. Ethan will be fine. None of this is your fault. You've done a great job at looking after Ethan. His confidence has really improved since you've been here to help him."

Cal wanted to stop crying, but he couldn't. He knew Ethan's confidence would be shot to pieces now. "If it was me we were looking for, I wouldn't mind so much," he said, aware he wasn't quite making sense but not caring about that. "It's the kind of thing I'd do: walking out of work and disappearing. But not Ethan. He'd never do that. But he has."

Zoe's hand moved in circles on his back. "He'll be back soon, Cal. I'm sure he will."

"I'm just bad, Zoe," sobbed Cal. "That's why Taylor conned me. Because I'm bad and I can't even look after my little brother."

"Cal, you're not bad!" Zoe tried to lift his head from her shoulder. "Sit up for a minute, Cal. Look at me."

Cal was sure he looked a mess, but for once he didn't care about how he looked and lifted his head obediently.

Zoe looked into his eyes. "Listen to me, Cal. You're not bad. Taylor didn't con you because you were bad. She conned you because she could see you were the type of person who would want to support her charity and the reason she chose you is because you're a _good_ person. And you've proved that again by the way you've been supporting Ethan. You've pushed all your own problems aside for him. That isn't something everybody could do."

"But I must have done something wrong!" cried Cal. "Or why would he leave?"

"I'm sure it was the hospital he wanted to be away from," said Zoe. "Not you. But as he left his phone behind, he had no way of contacting you to let you know."

Cal wanted to believe her. It made sense. But so did the worst-case-scenario he'd imagined. "I don't even know if he's alive, Zoe," he sobbed.

Zoe hugged him tightly again. "I know, Cal. It's natural, in your situation, to fear the worst, but the worst doesn't often happen. There are a lot of other possible explanations too and they're much more likely than Ethan being dead."

"I went to St James'," sniffed Cal. "I told them how to contact me if Ethan was brought in. They probably thought I was mad."

"No: they probably thought you were a typical relative who couldn't find someone they love and was panicking they'd show up in hospital," said Zoe. "That's not so uncommon, is it?"

"No, I suppose not," said Cal. "Not that it matters what they think of me. I don't care what anyone thinks of me as long as Ethan is-"

He stopped as Zoe's phone rang and looked desperately at Zoe. Ethan didn't have his phone, but if he remembered Zoe's number...

"It's Louise," said Zoe apologetically. "Hi, Louise. Is everything okay?... He has?... Oh, that's brilliant!" She smiled at Cal. "Thank you, Louise. Thank you so much. Next time we're in the pub, remind me I owe you a drink." She looked at Cal. "Ethan's here. He's on his way up."


	30. Chapter 30

**Gillian Kearney Fan** , thank you for your review. I couldn't let anything bad happen to Ethan when he was going through so much already!

 **CBloom2** , thank you for your review. He's probably not really okay, but at least he's alive and with Cal, which is where we like him to be!

 **Tato Potato** , I thought it would be really frightening for Cal, especially as it was unlike Ethan and Cal blamed himself. I'm glad I was able to convey some of that. Thank you for your review.

 **ETWentHome** , thank you for your review - and for saying you like the way I write the emotions. I haven't actually decided where Ethan went, but I'll need to decide before I post the next chapter!

 **Tanith Panic** , I couldn't let Ethan stay away for too long! As it's out of character for him to disappear like that, I didn't think he'd be gone for very long - his guilt and sense of duty would bring him back. Thank you for your review!

 **Becs2202** , they do need to sit down and have a nice long chat! That's definitely the kind of scene I'd enjoy writing. Thank you for your review.

* * *

Ethan approached the ED uncertainly. He knew that what he'd done was wrong. He'd done something he'd never considered doing before: he'd walked out of his job. He'd often berated Cal for doing that, but now he'd done exactly the same thing. He still couldn't quite believe he'd done it and as soon as he'd calmed down a bit, he'd known he had to go straight back. So here he was.

The exuberant welcome from Noel and even the surprisingly gentle welcome from Louise did nothing to reassure him. Even if the whole ED was kind to him, that meant nothing until he'd seen Connie's reaction. She would probably sack him and he'd done nothing to suggest he didn't deserve it. Even the fact that they told him to go to Zoe rather than Connie gave him little reassurance.

When Ethan turned the corner and saw Zoe coming towards him, his step faltered and he stopped. "Ethan!" said Zoe in tones far more of relief than anger. To Ethan's surprise, she hugged him. "I'm so glad you're back. It's okay: you're not in any trouble."

"Is Cal okay?" said Ethan anxiously. He felt guilty about that too. At one time, he'd doubted whether Cal cared about him at all, but things were different now. He knew Cal would have been worried sick.

Zoe let go of him and took just slightly too long answering. "Cal's been worried about you, but he's okay."

Ethan hung his head. "How worried?"

Zoe hesitated. "Don't worry about that. Just tell me: are you okay?"

Ethan sighed. "I don't know. I'm better than I was. I didn't mean to leave, but Lofty and Max were in the staff room. So I decided to go and hide in the loo, but Dylan was in there. So I was going to go and sit in my car, but I realised I didn't have the keys and then… I don't know. I wasn't thinking straight. I'm so sorry, Zoe. I messed up so badly. I wanted some bloods taken and I asked Cal to organise a scan!"

"I… I think you need to talk to Cal about that," said Zoe.

"Cal will just say it was his fault," said Ethan.

"Maybe that's the truth," said Zoe. "All doctors make mistakes, Ethan. Shall we go and find Cal?"

Ethan nodded and they went to Zoe's office. Cal was pacing. His eyes were red and swollen. Ethan ran into the office and put his arms around Cal. "Cal, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault, Ethan!" said Cal. "It's mine. I wasn't paying attention to what you were saying and I didn't want to admit it so I guessed at what you were asking me to do. That's the truth. I know you didn't say anything wrong because the patient said you asked me to take some bloods and I don't see why a patient would lie about that. It was my fault and I'm… I'm sorry."

Ethan rubbed his back and tried not to cry. "It's not your fault. It is difficult to concentrate sometimes and you're under a lot of stress at the moment."

"But if I'd just admitted I hadn't heard you…"

"Then I might have got upset over something else," said Ethan. He spoke unsteadily into Cal's shoulder. "I really thought I was getting better after Jordan."

"You are getting better," said Cal. "But you won't get better all at once. There are going to be ups and downs. There are times when I feel completely fine and I've genuinely forgotten Taylor exists, but there are still times when I really miss her."

"I'm sorry," whispered Ethan. He tried and failed to hold back a sob.

"Listen, why don't you both go home?" said Zoe. "You've had a very difficult day. I can't expect you to treat patients now. Go home; get lots of rest and think about taking tomorrow off too."

"I couldn't possibly," said Ethan at once. "But maybe Cal should."

"I couldn't possibly either," said Cal. "But maybe _Ethan_ should."

"Well, you're both doctors," said Zoe. "Cal, do you think Ethan should go home now?"

"Yes, definitely," said Cal.

Zoe looked at Ethan. "Ethan, do you think Cal should go home?"

"Yes," said Ethan. "Definitely."

"So all you need to do is take each other's advice," said Zoe, and started to leave the room, only to stop. "Though that probably would be a first…"

* * *

Cal bent down beside the sofa and whispered into Ethan's ear. "Come on, Nibbles. Time to get up! I've made your favourite."

Ethan didn't answer and Cal was quite tempted to let him sleep. It had been a really emotional day for Ethan. Of course, it had been an emotional day for Cal as well. He'd been quite glad when Ethan had fallen asleep because it meant he could rest too. He knew he needed it and was still appalled at the mistake he'd made, but he'd promised himself he'd try not to think about it until he was in bed. He had to take care of Ethan now – and do everything he could to make up for the fact he'd completely failed to take care of him at work.

"Ethan?" Cal spoke a bit more loudly and ruffled Ethan's hair. "Dinnertime!"

Ethan stirred and slowly opened his eyes. "Caleb?"

"Are you hungry?" said Cal. "It's dinner time."

Ethan squinted at him. "Where's my glasses?"

"Oh. Um… somewhere." Cal stood up and looked around the room, finally locating them on the table. He brought them back to Ethan and put them on for him. "Okay? Now come and eat this lovely dinner I've made for you."

"You've made dinner?" said Ethan sleepily.

Cal nodded and helped him to stand up.

Ethan looked worried. "What have you done _now_?"

"Nothing," said Cal, though he could actually remember quite a few things he'd done wrong recently.

"You usually only make dinner voluntarily when you're trying to make up for something you haven't told me about yet," said Ethan.

Cal led Ethan over to the table. "I'm just trying to look after you. You've had a hard day."

"So have you," said Ethan, looking up at him. "Are you sure you're all right, Cal?"

"Of course I'm all right," said Cal. "I was worried when you disappeared, but you've come back safely. So I'm fine."

"I'm sorry," said Ethan. "For worrying you. For walking out of my shift and letting everyone down. it was an awful thing to do and I don't even know why I did it now."

Cal held his hand for a moment. "Because I upset you," he said. "I lied to you and made you doubt yourself. It was my fault, but I won't make that mistake again. I'll look after you better next time. I'll keep you safe, Ethan. I promise."


	31. Chapter 31

**Tato Potato** , thank you for your review. I'm really happy you find the brothers sweet! I hope you enjoy this chapter too.

 **beckyboogle** , thank you so much - that's really kind of you. I hope this chapter isn't boring in comparison!

 **EDSidekick** , I'm sure they'd both be grateful for your hugs! I'm glad I'm managing to convey how the small things seem massive to Ethan. Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , I like reconciliations too - and this reconciliation scene didn't even have an argument scene, which is possibly even better! Thank you for your review.

 **ETWentHome** , I'm really relieved you can see how much Ethan cares about Cal - he is relying on him quite heavily at the moment so I was a bit worried. Thank you for your review.

* * *

Ethan enjoyed his dinner, but by the end of it, he was ready for bed and didn't argue when Cal suggested an early night. He thought Cal was probably quite glad to see the back of him. Cal had been nothing but kind, but Ethan knew it must be difficult for him, having to babysit him all the time and comfort him when things went wrong.

Ethan felt terrible as he thought again about how worried Cal must have been today. Zoe had admitted he was worried and she was probably downplaying his feelings if anything - and Ethan had seen for himself that Cal had been crying. He might have been crying about Taylor or a patient, but Ethan didn't think so. He was sure it was his fault. He was so sure, he hadn't even asked.

Ethan felt a surge of guilt. He should have asked. He should have dragged himself out of his misery to ask his brother if he was okay. Cal was suffering too and Ethan knew he should never forget it.

Perhaps tomorrow will be better for both of us, thought Ethan, but it was little comfort.

Even if tomorrow was better, he didn't doubt there were many more bad days to come.

Ethan closed his eyes and waited for sleep.

It came quickly, but with sleep came nightmares.

* * *

Cal muffled his sobs as best he could in his pillow. He still couldn't believe what he'd done. Ethan needed him and he couldn't have let him down more if he'd tried. He still couldn't quite believe that Ethan had walked out of his shift: it was so unlike him. Cal knew he would only have done that if he was seriously upset; more upset than he'd ever been – and that just showed how badly Cal had hurt him.

A doctor should never lose concentration in any circumstances, but to do it when he was supposed to be looking after his brother…

Angry with himself, Cal dashed his tears away. If he couldn't sleep, he was going to do something useful like checking on Ethan. He got out of bed, tiptoed to Ethan's room and opened the door a crack.

Ethan was whimpering and thrashing around in his bed. Cal went over to him and put his arms around him, stroking his hair back from his sweaty forehead. "It's okay, Ethan. It's okay. You're safe. It's not real. It's okay."

Ethan quietened down and after holding him for a few more minutes, Cal gently laid him back against the pillow and walked towards the door. Almost immediately, he heard a cry from Ethan and turned back from the bed to see him in the grip of another nightmare.

Cal spoke soothingly to him once more and this time, Ethan opened his eyes. He lay tensely in Cal's arms for a moment, his eyes darting wildly around the room.

"It's okay," said Cal. "You were having a nightmare, Nibbles. Not surprising, really. Want me to go and make you a cup of tea?"

Ethan began to cry softly. "Don't leave me, Caleb. Please."

"Of course I won't leave you," said Cal. His voice was reassuring, but he was worried. Maybe Ethan needed more help than he was able to give. He knew he ought to be able to help Ethan, but he was well aware he was inadequate as a brother. If he couldn't give Ethan the help he needed, maybe he should find someone who could.

Ethan sniffled and cuddled closer to Cal. "I'm sorry. I know I'm being stupid."

"Of course you're not," said Cal. "Nightmares are horrible. Do you want to tell me what it was about?"

"I dreamed I went out of the ED for my break and couldn't find my way back," said Ethan. "That was all. I don't know why I got so upset. I suppose I'm just scared I'll be sacked and I'll never be able to work in a hospital again."

Cal stroked his hair. "You're not going to get sacked, Ethan. I won't let them sack you. You're the best doctor they've got and don't you forget it." He smiled. "I'd hardly be saying something that nice to you if I didn't mean it, would I?"

Ethan gave a shaky laugh. "No." He sat up slightly and wiped his eyes. "I don't suppose the offer of a cup of tea is still open?"

"Of course it is," said Cal. He went to the kitchen and made Ethan some decaf. As he waited for the kettle to boil, he leaned back against one of the kitchen cupboards, his eyes closed. He was so tired, mentally and physically. He just wanted to cry and sleep. He couldn't remember the last time he'd slept well and he seemed to spend his whole life wanting to cry now. Not even because of Taylor especially. Everything was just so difficult.

He walked back to Ethan's room with two cups of tea and sat with his arm around Ethan. Cal found himself hoping Ethan wouldn't want to talk, but he squashed the thought down at once. He wanted Ethan to do whatever he needed to do to feel better.

"I really want to get over this, Cal," said Ethan.

"I know you do," said Cal. "And you will. I know you don't think you're doing better, but I think you are. You just need to try not to put so much pressure on yourself. You don't have to be perfect. It's okay to make mistakes. It's okay to need a break sometimes. All doctors do. Do you remember before all this happened? Did you always get everything right?"

Ethan frowned uncertainly. "I don't know." He closed his eyes. "I can't remember, Cal. I'm so tired."

Cal gently took the almost-empty cup from his hands. "Then you should go to sleep, Nibbles."

Ethan nodded. He seemed much calmer now. "Will you stay with me, Cal?"

"Of course I will," said Cal. He told himself it wouldn't be for long. Ethan would fall asleep soon. Then he could go back to his own room.

But Ethan, it seemed, had other ideas. "Lie down, Cal," he said, and when Cal did, he placed his head on his big brother's chest and closed his eyes.

Cal watched as Ethan drifted off to sleep.

Ethan didn't have any more nightmares that night. At least, nothing that made him thrash about and whimper.

Cal knew because he was awake the whole time.


	32. Chapter 32

**beckyboogle** , thank you for your review - I really appreciate your ongoing support with my stories.

 **ETWentHome** , thank you for your review. Cal and Ethan probably do need a break, but it won't be easy getting them to admit it!

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you. That's so much the opposite of what people say about me in real life. Thank you for your review.

* * *

Ethan felt so tired the next day. Cal, if anything, looked worse than Ethan felt, but he insisted he was fine.

"I'll stay with you if you want to take the day off, though, Ethan," he said. "Zoe said we should think about it and I think it would be good for you."

But Ethan shook his head. "No, Cal. I want to get better and the only way I'm going to do that is by going to work." He smiled at his brother tremulously. "I'll be fine, Cal. I won't run off like I did yesterday. I still can't quite believe I did that. But I'll never do it again."

His voice rang with certainty and he knew he meant it. He'd felt terrible when he'd believed he'd made a mistake, but as soon as he'd left the ED, he'd felt even worse. The longer he'd stayed out, the more the feeling had increased. He knew that next time, no matter how bad he felt, he would stay in the ED. That was his job and what he was paid to do.

"You won't have to run off because I won't leave you again," said Cal. "If you feel upset again, just ask me to step outside so we can have a chat. Then we'll either leave the patient for a while and have a break, or I'll take over giving the treatment and _then_ we'll have a break."

"Okay," said Ethan. He managed to smile at his brother. "Thanks, Cal. I'm really glad you're here. I… I never really felt like I could rely on you before, but now I know I was wrong. You're a great brother and a great safety net and I'm so glad you're here."

Cal held out his arms and Ethan went to him without even thinking about it. "I'll always be here for you, Ethan," said Cal. His voice was wobbly. "Always."

* * *

The morning passed slowly. They didn't have to deal with any very difficult patients, but Cal couldn't imagine anyone managing better than Ethan. He'd been afraid that the incidents of yesterday would have destroyed the little confidence Ethan had remaining, but if anything, he seemed stronger. He was very kind – perhaps even charming in his own way – always listening to the patients and quick to offer reassurance despite his shyness. Cal, who was once more observing while Ethan did all the work, felt very proud of him. Ethan was so brave. So determined. Cal could only dream of being half the doctor Ethan was.

After their mid-morning break, they had another aichmophobic to deal with, but this one was teary rather than aggressive. Ethan was very kind and gentle. He asked Cal to get a butterfly needle and as with Jordan, they did what they could to make the procedure as painless as possible.

"Cal, you don't mind doing it, do you?" said Ethan.

"Of course not," said Cal. He prepared to take the bloods while Ethan spoke to the patient.

"You can hold my hand if you want to, Rhian. Squeeze it as hard as you like. You're very unlikely to break any bones and even if you do, that won't matter because I'm in exactly the right place." He smiled as he said the last part so Rhian would know he wasn't completely serious. Rhian smiled back.

Cal checked her arm was completely dry after being immersed in the warm water and put it into the correct position. "Can you make a fist for me, Rhian? That's good."

"Keep looking at me, Rhian," said Ethan. "I know Dr Knight is much better-looking than I am, but you can look at him afterwards. You can always look at my stethoscope if my face is too ugly."

Rhian giggled faintly. "You're not ugly, Dr Hardy."

Ethan blushed but didn't look too awkward. "Thank you."

Meanwhile, Cal had attached the tourniquet and was preparing to insert the needle. He realised his hand was shaking and frowned. He wasn't sure why that was happening. He brought the needle away for a moment and breathed a couple of times. Ethan seemed to realise something had happened and he caught Cal's eye momentarily, but he kept on speaking to Rhian.

He knew Ethan wouldn't necessarily be worried. It wasn't unknown for something to be wrong with the needle or phial that had to be corrected before the bloods could be taken. But Cal knew he had to get it right next time. For Ethan's sake.

Cal tried again. This time, his hand was steady and the needle went in smoothly. He took the bloods, put a dressing on Rhian's arm and let her know it was done. "So you can stop boring her now, Dr Hardy."

"I'll have you know we were having a very interesting conversation," said Ethan.

* * *

The next time Cal tried to take bloods, he was relieved to discover his hands were steady and it was quite easy, but shortly before lunchtime, they had to treat a single mother with a young baby. As the baby seemed to take a great fancy to Ethan and in fact shared his name, it was Cal who examined the young mother's injured wrist and arranged for an x-ray while his brother thoroughly enjoyed playing babysitter.

As there was a chance Amy's wrist was broken – and even if it wasn't, she wouldn't be able to use it for a while - Cal asked if there was anyone who could help around the house until she was recovered. He tentatively mentioned the baby's father, aware it might be a sensitive subject.

"Jake died six months ago," she said. "Not long after Ethan was born. We had a fire in the house. I was unconscious and Ethan was just a baby. He saved our lives. He helped me out of the window onto the porch and then passed me Ethan." Her eyes shone, with pride as much as tears. "Then the floor he was standing on collapsed. A fireman managed to get Ethan and me down off the porch, but they couldn't do anything for Jake."

"I'm really sorry," said Cal. His own eyes filled with tears and he had trouble speaking. "He sounds like a hero and I'm so sorry you and Ethan lost him."

Amy looked worried. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you, Dr Knight."

"I'm fine," said Cal, embarrassed. "I'm not upset. Um… I'm sure we'll be able to get the x-ray sorted soon." He carried on speaking, taking care to keep his voice steady, and to his relief, Ethan seemed too busy with his namesake to notice that his brother had nearly cried, but Cal knew it was going to be a very difficult day.


	33. Chapter 33

**EDSidekick** , thank you for your review. Cal is having a bad day and I can't promise it's going to get any better for him. Supporting Ethan all the time is a bit of a strain. I hope you enjoy the new chapter!

 **ETWentHome** , thank you for your review - Cal is struggling and he probably does need Ethan's help. But it would probably take a lot for him to admit that even to himself.

 **Tato Potato** , Cal's done a really good job of pushing his own problems aside and starting to focus on Ethan, but maybe not even Cal can keep that up indefinitely! Thank you for your review.

* * *

The day continued to be difficult for Cal. Even when the patients were easy to deal with, something seemed to go wrong. He had a few memory lapses. He forgot the word for paradoxical breathing and although he managed to get around it by describing it to the patient – it wasn't as though the phrase 'paradoxical breathing' would have meant anything to him anyway – he was aware of what had happened and it bothered him.

It wasn't the first time he'd forgotten the word for something relatively simple, but it was probably the first time it had happened when he hadn't been hungover.

As the day went on, he referred to Robyn as Rita and Lily as Mrs Beauchamp (he thought Lily was flattered, though she tried to hide it). He wrote a prescription for a patient but forgot to sign it, which meant the pharmacist had to send it back. Then he accidentally asked a patient the same question twice. Ethan was concerned about him after that, but Cal said he had a suspicion the patient wasn't telling the whole truth and was trying to catch him out. Luckily, Ethan wasn't always good at noticing things like that and accepted Cal's words at once.

There were other problems too. Cal knocked over a patient's water bottle, spilling the contents all over the floor, and was forced to break his promise not to leave Ethan when he went to buy a replacement bottle. He also managed to drop a whole heap of files on the floor by the nurses' station. To be fair, someone in cubicles had just given a particularly bloodcurdling scream, but Cal had learned to ignore things like that and get on with his work. You had to. If you were making a delicate incision in somebody's skin, you couldn't afford to be easily startled.

It was fortunate, really, that all Cal had been doing was looking at some files.

When lunchtime arrived, all Cal wanted was to sit quietly by himself and maybe sleep, but Ethan was having a minor panic about whether he'd been right to dismiss the girl who'd had a dizzy spell as a time-waster, so Cal had to reassure him that he completely agreed with his opinion and besides, she was a regular visitor to the ED who had once presented after breaking a fingernail.

"But even time-wasters get ill sometimes," said Ethan. "And the time she broke her fingernail, she probably had strained her finger a little bit too."

"A strained finger is hardly a reason to visit the ED," said Cal, unable to hide his impatience. "She was time-wasting."

"But what if she's genuinely ill this time and I got it wrong?" fretted Ethan.

Cal wanted to scream. He didn't know why. He wasn't annoyed with Ethan: his brother was making a good point for once and he understood that Ethan was worrying over everything at the moment. But he still wanted to scream. "If she is genuinely ill, I'm sure she'll come back. And if she does, no-one can blame you. I was there with you the whole time and I agreed with your diagnosis completely. I'd have said something if I hadn't."

Ethan nodded and let his head droop against Cal's shoulder. "I'm tired."

"Why not have a nap, then?" Cal hoped he'd agree. If Ethan had a nap, Cal could have a break from looking after him.

No, what was wrong with him? How could he even think about having a break from Ethan?

"I don't think I'd be able to sleep," said Ethan. "Do you think Ethan will be okay?"

"What?" said Cal, wondering why his brother had suddenly started referring to himself in the third person. "Of course you'll be okay."

"Not me: baby Ethan," said Ethan.

Cal pressed his fingers to his temples. His head was aching badly and he had no idea who baby Ethan was.

"He's the baby whose mother had a sprained wrist," said Ethan. "You treated Amy and I played with Ethan."

"Oh, yes, of course," said Cal. He tried to remember Ethan's original question, but it had completely gone from his mind. "What about him?"

"I'm just wondering if he'll be all right," said Ethan. "Both of them, really. It's going to be difficult for Amy to look after him properly with one working wrist and nobody to help her."

Cal suppressed a sigh. Why was he worrying about patients that they'd discharged ages ago? "Didn't she say she had friends who could help her out?" he asked, though without much confidence that he'd remembered correctly.

"Yes, but they won't be there all the time," worried Ethan.

Cal slapped his hands against his thighs in frustration, though he kept his voice calm. "I'm sure she'll manage, Ethan. Maybe one of her friends can go and stay with them for a couple of days. But we don't need to worry about them now. We've discharged her and she's a responsible adult who loves her little Ethan. She'll know if she's not coping and she's got people she can ask for help. If anything does go wrong, it won't be your fault – but there's no reason to think it will."

* * *

Ethan was feeling much better when he returned to work after his lunchbreak. It had really helped to talk to Cal about everything. Cal had seemed annoyed once or twice, but he'd been so kind to Ethan, he could only assume that any irritation had been imagined or quick to fade.

The first couple of patients after lunch were easy to deal with and Ethan was feeling almost confident as they went to find the next one. "Monica Taylor," he called out, hoping Cal wouldn't be upset by the name.

She looked terrifying. Short skirt, very high heels and what Ethan considered to be much too much make-up, though he knew he was hardly an expert. She barely gave him a glance, instead giving Cal the full benefit of her smile.

"Hi, I'm Dr Hardy," said Ethan. As she was legally a child, he'd considered introducing himself as Ethan, but if he did, Cal would go into the whole 'call me Cal' routine and Ethan was worried Monica might take that as encouragement. "This is Dr Knight, who's working with me today."

"Hey, Dr Knight," said Monica. "I'm Monica, but my mates call me Knickers. I have no idea why. I don't usually wear any."

Ethan was horrified, but Cal, of course, had a ready answer. "Nicknames often don't make much sense. I call my little brother Nibbles and he has a smaller appetite than average. I'd better not repeat what he calls me, but I can promise you it doesn't suit me at all."

Ethan consoled him with the thought that at least Cal hadn't made it clear who his brother was. He hated Cal using his nickname at work, especially in front of patients. "If you'd like to come this way, Miss Taylor, we'll show you to your cubicle."

Monica stepped closer to Cal. "Are you going to get me into bed then?"

"We usually ask patients to lie down on the bed, but you could always sit up if you prefer," said Cal. He walked ahead of her to the cubicle.

"Cosy," Monica remarked when she was lying on the bed with Cal and Ethan standing beside her. "We make a nice little threesome, don't we?"


	34. Chapter 34

**ETWentHome** , thank you for your review. Cal is struggling and he definitely needs a break, but it won't be easy to convince him! And he'll have to deal with the patient first...

 **Parodoxilla** , unfortunately, I needed her to behave inappropriately to put more pressure on Cal and Ethan! Thank you for your review - I'm glad you enjoyed it.

 **beckyboogle** , thank you for your review. I really love it when Cal and Ethan are there for each other - it doesn't happen enough on TV, but I'm trying to make up for that!

 **Tato Potato** , troublesome might be an understatement! But at least they have each other for support, rather than dealing with such a difficult patient on their own. Thank you for your review!

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. I always used to look away when I was having blood taken, but recently I've started watching it and I enjoy it! I love all the different coloured tops they put on the blood samples!

* * *

This time, Cal actually looked a bit scared. "I don't usually have threesomes with my brother. Or with fifteen year olds."

"Or at all, one would hope," said Ethan, a bit severely. He was quite sure Cal had had threesomes and foursomes and God knew what else, but he didn't think he should be talking about it when he was working.

Monica finally deigned to look Ethan up and down. "He's your brother?" she said to Cal. "He doesn't look anything like you."

"Let's be grateful for small mercies," said Ethan.

Monica gave him the kind of disparaging look at which teenage girls excelled. "Dr Knight is the one who should feel grateful, _Nibbles_. Not you."

Cal glared at her. "Please don't speak about my brother like that."

"Sounds like you spoke like that about him first."

"I'm allowed!" said Cal. "He's my little brother. It's my job to insult him. But that doesn't mean I want anyone else doing it."

Ethan spoke softly. "Cal, it's okay."

"No, it's not okay!" said Cal. "You can't just come in here and insult the doctors. You're actually very lucky to have Ethan looking after you because he cares and he listens and he works hard. But he's not just some doctor-machine who churns out advice and prescriptions and bandages. He's a real human being with feelings and you're hurting them."

"Cal, she's not: it's fine," said Ethan. "Really."

Cal ignored him. "But people like you only think about yourself! It doesn't occur to you that other people have feelings too. Ethan's only here at all because he's the bravest and most determined person I know. He nearly gave up his whole career because of people like you insulting him and going on at him when all he wants is to do his job. He was terrified of coming back here and he's terrified every day, but he doesn't show it. But every person like you who comes in here and treats him like dirt, you hurt him that little bit more and make it him that little bit harder for him to keep coming back here and doing the amazing job that not every doctor can do." He raised his voice. "And then you walk in here with your stupid heels and your skirt up to your neck, pretending to be all grown-up and sophisticated when really you're just a nasty, stupid, dirty little bitch!"

"Caleb!" said Ethan. His voice was shaking now. "Please, just stop it!"

Cal looked at Ethan and a look of horror came over his face. "Oh, Ethan, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"I think it's Monica you should be apologising to really," said Ethan.

"I'm inclined to agree," said an angry female voice, and Connie appeared. "Dr Knight – my office. I'll be with you as soon as I've finished treating and apologising to your patient."

Cal just stared at her.

"Out!" said Connie.

* * *

Cal almost ran to Connie's office. It was actually the last place he wanted to be going and he wasn't at all sure he'd still have his job when he left it, but all he wanted was to get away from everyone before his tears started falling. He knew he'd made a terrible mistake. Monica had been horrible to Ethan and her general behaviour had been appalling, but it was nothing in comparison with what Cal had said to her – and Cal suspected his own words had upset Ethan far more than Monica's. She was a silly kid trying to be a grown-up and had no real understanding of what she was saying and the harm it could cause. Cal really was a grown-up, not to mention a doctor, and should have known better.

He'd not only behaved unprofessionally towards a patient, he'd upset Ethan.

Cal shut Connie's door behind him. He took a step towards the chair, but he felt as though he wanted to hide from everyone, so he went and sat beside the filing cupboard, his back against the wall, and cried into his hands. How could he have done that to Ethan? Ethan needed him. He couldn't even protect his own little brother.

He heard the door open and tried to muffle his sobs so he wouldn't be heard, but he couldn't do it. He decided he didn't care. Whoever it was would think Cal was stupid and weak and a baby, but they would be right to think that. That was exactly what Cal was. That was why Taylor hadn't loved him.

"Caleb?" It was Ethan.

Cal tried and failed to hold back a sob.

"Cal…" Ethan sounded distressed and Cal really couldn't blame him. He had a lot to be distressed about.

He was shocked when he felt Ethan's arms going around him, pushing Cal's head into his chest.

"I'm sorry, Cal," said Ethan. "I'm sorry."

"What… Why…" Cal managed between sobs.

"Shh: it's okay," said Ethan. "Don't try to talk now."

"What have you got to be sorry for?" wept Cal.

Ethan stroked his hair. "Because I've been really selfish." His voice trembled slightly.

" _You've_ been selfish?" Cal tried to pull away from Ethan, but Ethan temporarily seemed to have the greater strength. "How did you work that out?"

"Because I've been expecting you to look after me all the time," said Ethan. "Every minute, you're supporting me. Pushing your problems aside to help me with mine."

"My problems aren't important," said Cal through more tears.

Ethan rubbed his back gently. "Of course they are. You've been hurt, Cal. Really hurt. You were depressed. You were signed off work. You only came back to work because of me."

"You're my brother," said Cal.

"And you're mine," said Ethan.

"But my problems should be over," sobbed Cal. "Taylor isn't here. But your problems… you have to deal with them all the time. With every patient. And I was supposed to help you with that."

Ethan pulled away from him slightly and looked into his eyes. "Cal, problems don't just go away because the person who caused them has gone. Especially not when her not being here is part of the problem. You need time to recover and the last thing you need is to put lots of extra pressure on yourself." He broke eye contact. "Or me putting pressure on you."

Cal sniffed. "Taylor was already gone. There wasn't anything I could do to change that. But you had your job, Ethan, and I had to make sure that didn't go too. And now it probably will, because of me. I wasn't good enough. _Again_." He almost groaned the word. "I'm never good enough."

"Cal, you are good enough," said Ethan. "More than good enough. You're the reason I'm still here. You helped me to believe in myself a little bit. You helped me to come back when I was sure I couldn't. Everything you did was great, Cal. Even just now in the cubicle, you were great because you were trying to support me. I'd pushed you to the limit, but you still only wanted to help."

"I don't think I can do it anymore," Cal said quietly, through his tears. "I know that's awful. I know you need me. I want to help you and make you better. I just don't think I can."

Ethan hugged him again. "Not like this: no. We were doing this all wrong. We're both struggling. So we should be supporting each other. I know Taylor's gone and I hope you'll never see or hear from her again. But that doesn't mean the pain's going to go away just because she has."

"That poor girl… Monica, I mean…"

"Everything you said about her was true," said Ethan. "And I really hope there's someone in her life who has the right to say those things so they can tell her where she's going wrong before she gets herself into real trouble. But it wasn't right for you to say it." He sighed. "But when you consider the stress I've put you under, I can't blame you at all."

"You can't blame yourself either," Cal sobbed into Ethan's chest.

Ethan stroked his hair. "Let's not talk about it till you've calmed down. I owe you some comforting after the last few days. Just cry as much as you need to. I know it's a bit embarrassing, but you can take it from me: it does help."

Cal sniffled. "I'm getting your scrubs wet."

"It doesn't matter," said Ethan. "They've had much worse things on them than tears."

"It's coming out of my nose too," Cal warned him.

Ethan laughed slightly. "I've still had worse things on my scrubs than that. It's really just tears anyway. But as you're so concerned…" Ethan let go of Cal and pulled a tissue out of his pocket. "There you are." He rubbed Cal's back until he was calmer. "Better now? I mean, obviously, I don't mean better. Sorry. That was a stupid thing to say. I imagine you still feel pretty awful. But-"

"Yeah." Cal gave a shaky laugh. "Actually, I do feel a bit better."

"Cal, you don't have to say that just so I won't worry."

"I'm not!" said Cal indignantly. "I do actually genuinely feel better. You helped me feel better. Is that so difficult to understand? I messed up again, but you were there."

"I always will be," said Ethan. "Just like you're always there every time I mess up." He smiled. "We both know I've done a lot of that recently."

Cal shook his head. "You had a genuine reason, Ethan."

"So did you," said Ethan. He put his arms around Cal again. "And this time, I'm not going to forget it."


	35. Chapter 35

_I was originally going to make this the penultimate chapter and finish with an epilogue where Cal and Ethan are back to their old selves, but instead I thought I might extend the story to show them gradually getting better. However, as I'm writing a million stories already, I've decided to finish the story with this chapter and write a sequel sometime in the future when I've finished some of my other stories._

 _Thank you so much for all the support and reviews with this story - without you, I wouldn't be considering a sequel. I hope no-one is annoyed that I've ended the story so suddenly. I just have so many stories at the moment and I'm finding it a struggle to keep up with them all and produce reasonably good writing._

 **ETWentHome** , I had trouble imagining what Connie would say to them too! But I really hope you like what I've written. I'm glad Ethan's realised too, though it was interesting writing Cal as the supportive one and Ethan being (almost) completely focused on himself. Thank you for your review and for your support throughout this story.

 **EDSidekick** , there is a way to go for both of them - that's one reason why I'd like to write a sequel! I wish Cal had confided in Ethan earlier, before things escalated so much, but if he had, he wouldn't be Cal! Thank you for your review - I'm so happy you've enjoyed this story.

 **Gillian Kearney Fan** , thank you for your review - and for all your reviews on this story. Poor Cal and Ethan have struggled a lot, but at least they have a new plan for supporting each other in the future.

 **Paradoxilla** , you can see now why Monica had to behave so appallingly! If she hadn't, Cal would have no chance of getting away with speaking to a patient like that. I'm happy you liked the brotherly bonding! Thank you for your review and for all your support with this story.

 **Tanith Panic** , it was very bad timing, but it's probably for the best that Ethan and Connie now know how much Cal is struggling. Thank you for your review and your constant support with this story.

 **CBloom2** , maybe I did overdo Cal's meltdown a bit - I don't always know if something is too much or too little. You'll find out Connie's reaction in this story - she could go either way! Thank you for your review - and for all your reviews for this story.

* * *

Not much shocked Connie Beauchamp, but she probably didn't expect to see her two registrars sitting on the floor of her office with their arms around each other. She stood and stared at them, for once in her life speechless. Ethan was stroking Cal's hair and Cal was tearfully telling Ethan he was the best little brother in the world.

"And you're the best big brother in the world," said Ethan, more than a little bit fazed by Connie's appearance but determined to tell his brother what he needed to hear.

"I couldn't have managed without you today," said Cal, who didn't seem to have noticed Connie.

"I wouldn't even have been here today without you," said Ethan.

Connie cleared her throat, making Cal jump. "Perhaps you could save the mutual admiration until you get home. For now, I suggest you sit on chairs like normal people."

"Okay?" Ethan said gently. He wasn't sure what he'd do if Cal refused to stand up, but he didn't think Cal would dare disobey Connie.

Cal wiped his eyes and nodded. "Better get it over with, I suppose."

Ethan stood up and held out his hand to Cal. Cal accepted his help, but once they were standing, he put his arm around Ethan as they went to sit down. Ethan was grateful for his support: there was something about being in Connie's office that always made him feel terrified. He moved his chair so it was right next to Cal's.

"Right," said Connie. "Now you've finished rearranging my furniture, let's return to the matter in hand. I spoke to Monica Taylor and she says you, Dr Knight, told her you were going to get her into bed and said you made a nice little threesome."

"That's not true!" Cal almost shouted. " _She_ said that!"

Ethan quickly put his hand on Cal's arm to calm him. "Cal is right, Mrs Beauchamp. It was Miss Taylor who made those comments."

"I know it was," said Connie. "Even in your current mental state, Dr Knight, I don't think you'd speak to a child in that manner."

"Or to anyone else either," said Cal earnestly. "Not at work."

"Particularly not when it involved having a threesome with your own brother," said Connie drily.

Cal managed a little smile. "Ew, gross! Who'd want to have a threesome with him?"

Ethan smiled too. "You might be surprised, Caleb!"

"Yeah, I would be!"

Connie became serious. "I've informed her parents and as far as I can gather, their opinion of her behaviour is much the same as yours, Dr Knight. I hope they'll be able to correct her behaviour before she gets herself into real trouble. From that point of view, you might have done her a favour. However, Dr Knight, no matter how much a patient might deserve it; no matter how true your words are, it is not permissible to speak to them in the way that you did."

"No. I know," said Cal nervously. Ethan squeezed his arm, but he couldn't help feeling worried. If Cal was fired, where would that leave Ethan? "I'm sorry, Mrs Beauchamp. Would you please tell Monica I'm sorry too?"

"I already have," said Connie. "And I didn't allow her to leave until she'd asked me to apologise to you for her behaviour and for making false allegations."

"I almost feel sorry for her," said Ethan. Then he realised how his words could have sounded. "I'm sorry, Mrs Beauchamp. I didn't mean…"

"I'll take it as a compliment, Dr Hardy," said Connie. "I'm sure that's how you meant it. Now, I'd like you both to take two days off, plus the rest of today. Dr Hardy, I am very impressed with the way you've come back to work and tried to deal with your problems. Dr Knight, I'm very impressed with the way you've supported him. But dealing with personal problems and supporting each other is a strain on both of you and I think you both need a rest. Neither of you can work in your current condition. But I hope to see you both back on top form in three days' time."

Cal stared at her in disbelief. "You're not going to fire me?"

"Of course not," said Connie. "I'm extremely busy at the moment. I don't have the time to interview, hire and babysit new registrars. Strange as it might seem, I think that sticking with you two will be less trouble."

"Thank you, Mrs Beauchamp," said Cal, still shocked.

Ethan smiled and squeezed Cal's arm. At one time, he'd hated the idea of being at home rather than at work, but he felt differently now. It was time for him to look after Cal. "We'll do our best to justify your faith in us, Mrs Beauchamp. Thank you very much."

* * *

"I'm not an invalid!" said Cal.

He was secretly quite enjoying Ethan's attentions, but he was worried his little brother might overdo it. Ethan had driven him home, made sure Cal was comfortable on the sofa and made tea. Now, he'd just announced his intention of making Cal some dinner.

"I know you're not an invalid, but I want to make up for putting so much pressure on you," said Ethan.

Cal patted the sofa beside him. "Sit down."

Ethan sat down.

"I think you're partly right," said Cal. "You weren't putting pressure on me, but I was putting pressure on myself. I was trying to ignore my problems and focus on you. Maybe that just wasn't possible."

"I think even Superman would struggle with that," said Ethan gently. "And don't tell me he doesn't have problems because I'm sure he does."

Cal surprised himself by smiling. "Yeah, I bet Lois is always giving him grief for flying off and saving the world instead of spending time with her."

"Cancelling dinner plans…"

"Being photographed with his arms around all the girls he rescues…"

"And what about when he's flying through the air, on his way to rescue someone and it starts raining?" said Ethan.

"No, it can't be easy being Superman," said Cal, and they both laughed, before Cal became serious again. "I think you're right that we've got to support each other from now on. I'm okay with that. But at the moment, that's not what we're doing. You want me to sit here while you do everything. Isn't that the same mistake I was making?"

Ethan looked uncertain. "Maybe, but I haven't been doing it for long enough to get stressed over it."

"I know," said Cal. "There will be times when it's all about me and times when it's all about you. Sometimes I'll need to talk about Taylor, or the pain inside me will be so bad, I won't be able to think about anything else."

"Then I'll be here," said Ethan. "Just tell me you need me and I'll be here. If I'm asleep, you'll just have to wake me up. I don't mind."

Cal wasn't sure if he'd actually deprive Ethan of sleep, but he didn't want to stress either of them out by arguing about it. "And there will be times when you need me. When you're worried about the future or stressing over something you've done. Then all you'll have to do is come and find me."

"I will," promised Ethan.

"But there will also be times when we're both almost fine," said Cal. "If we can cope with doing something, it's probably better we do it ourselves." He paused. "Or together. It's best if we keep doing normal things if we can. It stops us from dwelling on our problems and it means it will be a less of a shock when we go back to the hospital and actually have to do some work."

Ethan considered this carefully and nodded. "Yes. I think you're right. We can make dinner together if you'd like to. If you sure you're all right." He peered anxiously through his glasses at Cal. "You were so upset earlier."

Cal felt simultaneously embarrassed and grateful for Ethan's concern. "I know. But you looked after me and now I feel better."

Ethan gave him a doubtful look.

"Not completely better," said Cal. "But I think I can cope with making dinner. If you're there to help me."

"I'll always be there to help you," said Ethan.

Cal gave Ethan a hug. "And from now on, I'll always be there to help you too."


End file.
